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Thanks, Kate!





Pacey kept his head bowed, his hands shoved into the pockets of his trousers, as he wove his way through assorted throngs of pedestrians on the sidewalk. The hustle and bustle of these city streets never seemed to diminish, even at this hour, and between the glare of neon signs, the bright glow from storefront windows and the pools of illumination cast from streetlights overhead, Pacey still found it necessary every so often to peer up at the sky to make sure it was, in fact, night.

He was later than usual, having stayed after closing to have a couple of beers with his bartender, something he hadnt done in a very long while. But it was Saturday night, and theyd had a fairly good week of business, so he figured why not? Besides, he realized as he sat there, staring down at the gloss of shellacked mahogany reflecting the glint of polished brass fixtures, that it might be one of the last chances he ever got to do so.

Merging right, out of the foot traffic, he paused for a yellow taxicab to pass before stepping off the curb, picking it up to a jog to cross the pavement as he noticed another taxi swiftly descending upon him. It was quieter, calmer, easier to fade into the shadows on the other side of the street and Pacey was in the mood to get a little bit lost.

He soon turned the corner to reach his own neighborhood, where there were actual trees planted curbside, evergreen shrubberies in front of some of the brick-faced buildings, and more importantly a nighttime sky that actually looked the way he remembered it to look.

He pulled keys out of his pocket as he jogged up the cement steps to his front door, careful to close it as quietly as possible behind him since Mrs. Petershams apartment was on the first floor. She was an elderly woman who lived alone, and heard the comings and goings of every tenant in the building, reporting on this at length to anyone who happened to have the unfortunate timing of being caught in the lobby at the same time as her.

But she seemed to keep especially close tabs on Pacey, the strange and long hours he kept at the restaurant somehow placing him under her dark cloud of suspicion. Which, he supposed, was probably first aroused by the fact shed been privy to the doors slamming and shouts echoed off walls of one or two of their better knock-down, drag-out fights when theyd first moved in. And, of course, his rather inspired apologies, which were sometimes necessary to be delivered from the sidewalk below, calling out his heart-felt words, his innermost feelings, up to the open window on the second floor.

But that was okay. He always told her hed be happy to shout it from the rooftops.

Her apologies were always softer, quieter, whispered in close proximity. And then closer still.

They didnt fight like that anymore. Sometimes, in a bizarre way, he actually kind of missed it.

Pausing out of habit to check the mailbox once he was inside the foyer, he reached out for the handrail, resting just the pads of his fingers on its polished wood surface as he trudged up the stairs.

He slipped his key into the lock, and pushed through the door, feeling as if the air actually shifted around him as he stepped inside, the welcoming warmth of the apartment melting away all his tension.

Almost, but not entirely. That sinking sense of doom and dread in his gut still remained, as much as hed tried to shake it on his walk home. Leave it behind.

He emerged from the short front hall, only the dim blue moonlight spilling through the tall living room windows to light his way. He stopped into the kitchen, placing his keys on the granite countertop before opening the refrigerator door to stare blankly at its contents a while. Finally he grabbed out a carton of milk to take a long swallow directly from it, placing it back inside and wincing a bit as it hit that knot twisted in his stomach, feeling like it curdled on contact.

Continuing on to his bedroom, his eyes gradually adjusted to the darkness as he stopped by his closet to tug his shirttails out of his trousers. He smiled sadly as he undid each button, his gaze slowly drifting over her where she was curled up in ball in the king-sized bed, one hand tucked under a pillow.

His pillow. She was on his side of the bed, which meant shed probably been trying to wait up for him.

There was a time he used to bring food home with him from the restaurant when he worked weekend nights, and hed wake her up with it, no matter how late it was. Feed her in bed and then do some other fun and appetizing things to mess up the sheets.

He didnt have the heart to wake her up tonight.

His shirt dropped to the closet floor, followed shortly by his trousers as he kicked off his shoes, and then he turned to go back out into the hall in only his tank top and boxers, closing the bathroom door behind him before he flipped on the light so as not to disturb her.

When he reemerged, instead of returning immediately to their bedroom he wandered instead into the room a little further down the hall, guided by the soft, peachy glow of a nightlight.

Shed painted stars on the ceiling of the room with a paint that had some sort of real gold flakes in it, so that the swirls and brush strokes actually reflected light from certain angles, adding to the dreamy quality of the room, especially late at night like this when everything was so still and quiet and calm.

He stopped at the crib first, pushed against a wall in a small alcove of the room, a mobile with sailboats and fish swimming and gliding through the moonbeams above. Leaning over to rest the palm of his hand flat on the babys chest, he gently stroked his tiny chin with just the tip of his index finger, feeling the warm and steady rise and fall of his breathing under the soft plush material of his pajamas. He slept so soundly, so motionless, it had become Paceys nightly ritual - to assure himself he was still breathing, still clutched in the grips of all the assorted fears that came along with being a new parent.

Not that he was so new at this anymore. But it still amazed him every time he looked at them. It still felt new.

Both of Jakes arms were flung behind his head, his little rosebud mouth open in a perfect o, his dark lashes fluttering against his round, fat pink cheeks. The very picture of innocence for someone who was fast turning into a little devil. Pacey smiled, running his hand over the silky down of his hair before he turned away.

He crossed the room to the small bed against the other far wall, gently easing himself down to sit on the edge of the patchwork quilted comforter. Emma stirred slightly in her sleep, blinking her bright blue eyes only partially open as he tenderly brushed her thick, dark hair back off her forehead.

Daddy? She whispered as she squinted up at him in the dim, shadowy light, her voice sounding sweeter and more baby-like than it usually did these days, ever since shed turned four and decided she had all the answers to lifes questions.

Yeah, sweetie?

She let out a quiet sigh, rolling over to her side as her eyes closed again, and barely mumbled as she drifted back off to sleep, We had ice cream with sprinkles and we missed you.

Pacey felt a small, unexpected catch in his throat, a tug at his heart, but he smiled as he pulled the covers up around her shoulder. I missed you guys, too.

He leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead and then stood up from the bed, gazing down at her a while, before he turned to head back down the hall to his own room.

Pulling the comforter back, he slid carefully into the bed next to Joey, and she almost instinctively shifted away to make more room for him, never seeming to even really stir from her sleep. He settled in, wrapping his arm around her waist from behind as she rolled back to rest against his chest with a drowsy murmur of contentment, the warmth from her body seeping into his very soul.

He lay his head on the pillow to close his eyes with a sigh, nuzzling his nose into the back of her hair, breathing her in along with the clean, familiar scent of their sheets. As his body sank wearily into the cushioned mattress, giving himself over to sleep, he wished for one brief moment he could lose himself in her dreams.

And wished that tomorrow didnt have to come so soon.



~*~



Pacey blinked his eyes open, grimacing slightly as he squinted against the suns bright rays pouring through the window, flooding the room with light. He remembered it had been a great selling point of this place, these windows that let in so much sunshine. Right now he was hard pressed to find a reason why that was a good thing.

Rolling over with a groan to bury his face in her pillow, he closed his eyes again to deeply inhale the fragrance she left behind, wishing she were still here. He could make out various familiar sounds drifting down the hallway, kitchen cabinets opening and closing, a metal spoon clinking repeatedly against a ceramic bowl, the low murmur of voices.

He sighed, moving to sit up as he raked his hand through his hair, and finally swung his legs over to get out of bed. He shuffled down the hallway, making a pit stop in the bathroom before continuing on.

Daddy, look what I can do!

Emma greeted him from the living room as he emerged from the hall, and he smiled over at her as she then placed one of her picture books carefully on top of her head. Her face was a mask of careful concentration as she balanced it there, still in her pink and lavender pajamas, her wavy hair spilling down past her shoulders.

Wow. Good job, Em, he congratulated her accordingly as he rubbed his hand absently over his stomach.

The book fell off and Emma caught it in her arms with a beaming smile of pride and he wandered into the kitchen, pausing behind Joey to slide his arm around her waist. Her bed-tousled hair was pulled up in a loose knot, and he lowered his lips to drop rows of soft kisses along the exposed skin of her neck.

She tilted her head to glance up at him with a secretive smile as she continued to stir the pancake batter, keeping her voice at almost a whisper.

You didnt wake me last night.

Nah, I figured there was no need. I just had my way with you while you were asleep, he explained with feigned nonchalance as he moved over to where Jake was in his highchair to give him a kiss as well.

Oh, she nodded her head as she considered this, returning her attention to her breakfast preparations with a shrug. Well, was it any good?

It was unbelievable, he assured her as he reached up into a cabinet to retrieve a coffee mug, throwing her a sleepy grin over his shoulder. I really think you would have enjoyed it.

Hmmmaybe next time, she grinned as well.

Pacey chuckled, his voice still hoarse with sleep, as he lifted the coffee pot to pour some of the steaming brew into his waiting mug. But the smile slowly faded as he placed the pot back, wrapping his hand around the mug to turn back and face her.

So, I have a meeting with the bank on Monday morning, he leaned back against the kitchen counter to watch her.

Joey had moved to the stove, pouring some of the batter onto the griddle pan that sat on the top burner, and he saw her hesitate, pausing before she slowly turned to glance over her shoulder at him, her forehead etched with lines of concern. And, he supposed, sympathy.

So, is that it? She asked, her voice lowering with a certain amount of caution, eyes darting over his face for clues.

He nodded his head as he went to take a sip of coffee. Yep. By this time next week, our doors will probably be closed.

She propped a hand on her hip as she cast her eyes to the floor, and although the expression she wore was calm and contemplative, he knew her thoughts were probably running through her mind a mile a minute right now.

As she lifted her gaze back to his to respond, he saw her eyes were a little darker, missing that sparkle, that lively shine that had been there only moments before. And, in that instant, Pacey felt like a little something inside him died, too.

So, we go back to Capeside.

Pacey shook his head definitively, having already been prepared for this.

No. Weve talked about this, Jo. Im not prepared to go crawling back home in defeat just yet.

Gee. I didnt realize your life was such a failure, she murmured with dull sarcasm, giving him a sharp, pointed look as she turned away to flip the pancake bubbling on the pan.

Thats not what I meant and you know it, he shot back in a low voice, stealing a glance towards the living room where Emma was still playing as he placed his coffee mug down on the counter. This place may have not worked out, but thats the nature of the restaurant business. All I need is a little time to get something else going again.

But you still have the Icehouse. She turned to look at him, gesturing with the spatula in her hand. Thats still your place. You already have that going.

Right, I have people running it. Pacey began to motion with his hands as well. Theres nothing for me to do there, he burst out in frustration. Unless you want me to go in and fire my management staff. And I think Im about to put enough people out of work for one month, dont you?

But, I dont get it, Pacey! She almost laughed, but her voice was strained with exasperation. I thought that was always our plan - to go back there someday. We always said when we had kids, wed raise them there.

She raised her eyebrows as she motioned towards Jake, currently absorbed in his as yet unsuccessful attempts to pick up a Cheerio between his chubby fingers, and then towards the living room. I dont know if youve noticed this, but we have kids!

Oh, and whats that supposed to mean? Pacey scowled, immediately jumping on the defensive.

He realized hed pretty much been an absentee dad for a better part of these last six months, and felt guilty enough about that already. But all he had been trying to do was save the restaurant from going under, and hed been doing that with his family in mind.

Joey sighed wearily as she turned back to the stove.

Nothing, she muttered with a shake of her head. Forget it.

A strained silence fell over them both as Pacey picked his coffee back up again to take another swallow.

He knew that what she said was true, about the plans they had made so long ago. Whispered words late at night in the darkness and intimacy of their bedroom, when it was still just the two of them. Promises and hopes and dreams of a future that seemed only just beyond their grasp, their fingertips only grazing what could be as they reached towards it.

But that was before they ever really knew what their lives would become. That their thoughts of babies someday would suddenly turn into two living, breathing little individuals with distinct personalities who shared every moment of their lives and depended upon them for their every need.

When Pacey had originally uprooted himself to come to New York, he had done it for her. There was no doubt about that. But, somewhere along the way, it had become something for him, as well. A way to prove himself, to achieve something he set out to achieve. To forever remove all doubt from anyones mind that he may not be worthy of her, or capable of great things. The chance to be a conquering hero in the big city.

And, for a while, it had been like that. His first year in business, the restaurant was on everyones list of hot spots. Theyd be turning people away at the door every night, and sometimes the waiting list for reservations would be months long. A New York based culinary magazine did a feature article on him, put his picture right on the cover.

But, as they say, that was then. Other restaurants had since taken his place on those hot lists. He was no longer the new, cool kid on the block. In fact, he was getting pushed right off the block, right out of business.

He supposed the easy thing to do would be to go back to Capeside. The real estate market what it was right now, if they sold this apartment, they could probably afford a fairly decent house on the Cape, maybe even one with water views. Theyd be near family, Emma and Jake would have a real yard to play in, their own rooms, Joey could still work from home and hed go back to running the Icehouse.

Yet Pacey could not shake the sense that it would somehow be giving up. And he wasnt prepared to do that just yet. Hed always been able to provide for his family, and he would figure something out.

I could always go back to work.

Her voice pulled him from his thoughts and he lifted his heavy blue eyes to stare at her from across the kitchen.

You know, she shrugged, temporarily. Until you figure something else out. Theyve always said there would be a place for me there if I wanted to come back, and it would certainly be a lot more money coming in that just what I make off the freelance work I do at home. If youre here to be with the kids, then that would take care of the daycare issue. And if we ever needed someone else to pitch in, we have Kelsey right down the street.

Pacey lowered his head, considering all this.

He had to admit it might make sense for now, and give him the time he needed to regroup and put something else together. He realized he hadnt been as active a parent as he should be, and, as she said, they had their regular babysitter available during the week should he need the help or have to be somewhere else. Joey had staff meetings every so often at the publishing offices and usually only had to call Kelsey a day or two in advance and shed be there without fail.

I justI just need a little time. He narrowed his eyes to watch her. And Ill have something else.

I know, she replied quietly as she slipped the pancakes onto a waiting plate. I never said I doubted that, Pacey.

He nodded his head slowly, and she turned away to walk to the kitchen table with the plate, calling out into the living room for Emma to come have her breakfast.

She came back to the refrigerator to pull out a carton of orange juice, keeping her gaze averted, but Pacey moved towards her as she reached up for a cup from the cabinet next to him, resting his hand on her back to keep her there.

Hey, he whispered softly, waiting until shed turned to give him her full attention, and then held her gaze a beat. I love you.

The corner of her mouth tilted up.

I never said I doubted that, either.



~*~



Dropping down onto the couch next to him with a sigh of relief, Joey tucked her feet up under her body as she uttered only a single word.

Success.

He tilted his gaze towards her, the remote in his hand still aimed at the television.

Theyre both asleep?

Mm-hmm. She turned to watch him with a playful grin, the eyeglasses she had been wearing to read through her manuscripts while he made dinner still propped on the bridge of her nose. So, I believe we have our weekly Sunday night date to plan here.

It is already that time? Pacey narrowed his eyes, but smiled as well as he placed the remote aside and draped his arm over the back of the couch behind her. Well, what would you like to do, Mrs. Witter?

We could go dancing, take in a show, grab a late dinner somewhere Her voice trailed off as her eyes sparkled mischievously. Or we could just do the usual.

Get naked? He offered without hesitation.

Read my mind. She hopped up off the couch, throwing a sexy smile back over her shoulder as she walked away. Im just going to take a quick shower, if youd like to join me.

Well, now, if I join you, then it wont be very quick, will it? He arched an eyebrow.

Suit yourself, she shrugged with a sigh, pausing by the hallway to the bathroom and lifting up the t-shirt of his she was wearing, pulling it right over her head to give him a quick flash of her full, round breasts before she disappeared from view. Ill meet you in there.

Pacey released a soft breath on a chuckle, feeling the insistent pull in his groin region, almost as if his dick was trying to follow after her of its own accord.

But the rest of him stayed put, and his smile retreated as he clicked off the television to sit there a moment in silence.

Even though they had pretty much talked things out over the rest of the day, reaching their mutual agreement that her returning to work would be their best option right now as they sat on a park bench with Jake, watching Emma play, that gnawing feeling in his gut still remained. As much as he wanted to focus only on his very gorgeous, and probably very wet wife in the shower right now, his mind kept being drawn away to other things.

He had to walk into those bank offices tomorrow at 9:00 am and admit defeat. Something he never allowed himself to imagine hed have to do.

So, that begged the question as to how he was so sure he was going to be able to make this right and find something else. To be the man he promised her he was going to be. That he promised himself he was going to be.

He pushed himself up off the couch, hearing the water already turning off in the bathroom as he wandered down the hall past the door. He dropped to sit on the edge of their bed, raking his hands wearily through his hair as he then flopped back to lie on top of the comforter.

He had been so lost to his thoughts, staring blankly at the ceiling, that he didnt even notice when she came into the room.

Pace?

She was suddenly there, climbing onto the bed to straddle his body. Her bathrobe was wrapped loosely around her shoulders, damp tendrils of hair stuck to her neck, her cheeks flushed from the heat of the water as she tilted her head to gaze down at him with concern.

Her voice softened gently, and Pacey recognized it as the same tone she used when one of the kids got a bump or bruise.

You okay?

He sighed, lifting his hands to rest them on the warm, smooth skin of her bare thighs, sliding his fingers up underneath the material of her robe as he gazed up at her, part of him just wanting to wrap his arms around her and have her tell him that everything was going to be okay and part of him aggravated and bothered by the fact he once again found himself in this position in life. On the receiving end of her pity, the source of her worries.

Except now if he was screwing up his life, he also screwed up hers by default. He had probably been in far worse predicaments in the past, both financial and career-wise, but it had never felt quite this bad, quite this unsettling or quite this scary.

But he supposed that would be because now his life was the real thing. No more practice rounds.

Despite how worried he actually was, however, he refused to have her worry, too. He knew she placed her faith in him, and that was one thing he could not bear to lose.

Yeah, fine. He managed a smile as he cleared his throat, moving his hands up a little higher to gently caress the soft skin on the insides of her thighs, dragging just the tips of his fingers back and forth. Im just a little tired. Thats all.

Her neck arched back with a soft intake of breath as he moved his hands higher still, revealing the slender column of her throat to him as her eyes fluttered closed.

Too tired? She whispered on a trembling breath, the sound filled with anticipation, a longing that stirred his own desires.

Never too tired for you, he murmured as he abruptly sat up, devouring the succulence of the delicate skin on her neck, sucking gently as he slid both hands around underneath the robe to cup her firm ass, pulling her hard against his erection where it strained at the material of his sweatpants.

She gasped as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, murmuring urgently in his ear as her head fell forward. Let me get the door.

He released her reluctantly as she climbed off him, tugging his t-shirt off over his head as he kept his heated gaze focused on her, pushing everything else out of his mind.

She closed the door to their bedroom almost all the way, leaving it open just a crack, just enough to be able to hear down the hall, before returning to him with a soft smile.

He stood up to drop his sweatpants to the floor in a crumbled pile with his discarded t-shirt, kissing her tenderly as he pushed the robe of her shoulders so it landed on the floor as well. She dropped her head a little, taking his hand to lead him to the bed, but he stopped her, holding her there as his intense gaze traveled over her, his eyes darkening with desire.

Pace, she whispered his name softly, urgently as she tugged at his hand again, but he did not miss the hint of embarrassment in her tone.

He shook his head with a slow smile, letting her lead him to the bed, but then pulled her down to roll her on top of his body as he gazed up at her again.

Stop doing that, she murmured with an almost shy smile, the flush of heat spreading up her chest to her cheeks.

Stop looking at you? He arched a skeptical eyebrow as he chuckled low in his throat, leaning up to cover her breasts with kisses, traveling up her throat to her lips. Sorry. No can do.

He knew she still had some lingering insecurities where her body was concerned, still felt that she carried some extra weight from her pregnancy with Jake. But, if she did, Pacey certainly didnt notice. She still ran and worked out on a regular basis so her legs and arms were toned and muscular, but the soft swell of her belly that she seemed so insistent on losing and tried so hard to conceal was probably the one thing about her that turned Pacey on the most right now. He was still half in awe this woman he worshipped had carried his children, and it made him want to touch her, to love her with a kind of reverence.

She leaned over, stretching her arm to tug open the drawer of the nightstand next to the bed and fumbled around for a moment before pulling out the wrapper of a condom and holding it up for him to see with an expectant smirk.

Oh, he sighed with exaggeratedly feigned resignation, his hands caressing her skin, tracing the soft underside of the curves of her breasts. That.

Mm-hmm, she murmured, raising her eyebrows as she sat up on him to tear the small foil package open. Because without this, we have an annoying tendency to make babies.

She grasped his cock, smoothing the palm of her cool hand over the velvety heated flesh, stroking it gently before slipping the condom over the tip, and he leaned to mumble a playful protest through a kiss as she rolled it down his length.

But we make such good ones.

She slid forward just enough to brush the wet flesh between her thighs against the tip of his now sheathed erection, smiling slowly as she sank down on him with a sexy sigh. "Oh, we make great ones.

His hands moved to her breasts, kneading and massaging them gently before brushing the pad of his thumb back and forth over her hard nipples, his eyes narrowing with lazy desire as her body tightened around him in response and she gasped his name.

She began to rock her hips with more deliberation, and he sat up slightly to replace his thumb with his mouth, covering her breast with the warm, wet heat of his tongue as he slid his hand down the smooth skin of her back to rest his palm on the curve of her ass, loving to feel the way she moved on him.

He dropped back to the bed and grasped her hips in his large hands, guiding the slow rocking of her body with the firm pressure of his fingers, smiling as he lifted his hips into hers and she let out a quiet moan, raking her nails over his bare chest.

His whole body was tensing, tight with need and arousal, as he thrust up into her, faster as he felt the tidal swell of his orgasm building. Driven by that escalating passion, he flipped her suddenly, guiding her down into the sheets, keeping their bodies joined as he moved over her, his hips sinking back inside her again and again. He covered her neck and face with soft kisses, intimate smiles and whispers of love exchanged between hushed moans of fevered lust.

He soon began thrusting with abandon, her hips lifting up to meet his stroke for stroke before she wrapped her long legs around him, gasping his name over and over again as he pushed into her, deeper, faster, harder until she arched completely off the bed, coming all around him with a muffled cry against his shoulder as he emptied himself into the condom with a low groan of satisfaction.

He pulled away, dragging a trail of lazy kisses down between her breasts, as he rolled out of bed to go dispose of the condom, grabbing a pair of pajama pants from his dresser on the way before he quickly and silently slipped out of their room into the bathroom.

She was sitting up in the middle of the tangled sheets when he returned, the enticing curves of her naked body disappearing from view under the hem of one of his t-shirts as she pulled it on over her head.

He murmured in soft contentment as he flipped off the bedside lamp and climbed in next to her to wrap his arms tight around her, playfully biting her shoulder as she laughed and he pulled her back down into the pile of pillows with him.

She adjusted the covers over their bodies, settling into the crook of his arm to rest her head on his chest as he reached for the remote on his nightstand, aiming it at the television that sat in the pine armoire at the end of their bed, the bluish light flickering from the screen to only partially illuminate the room.

You feel like a movie? He murmured absently as he scanned through their cable channels, reaching up to play with a silky strand of her hair.

She tilted her head and he felt her soft lips feather across his chest, kissing her way up until she reached his neck, sending a little shiver down his spine as she began to nibble at the skin along his pulse points.

Not really, she lifted up to whisper in his ear, catching his earlobe between her teeth as she purposefully slid her bare leg between his.

He reached over to drop the remote back onto the nightstand with a sigh, turning to roll on top of her body, pushing her back down into the pillows as he captured her lips in a soft, hungry, searing kiss.

Good God, you are insatiable, woman, he teased her through several more kisses, although his hands were now under her t-shirt, traveling over her body with renewed fervor. Im only one man.

Hmm, I knowbut youre usually good for two, she sighed, her rapidly increasing breath dancing lightly over his skin.

He pulled back to smile at her, arching an eyebrow. And are you saying thats it? Is that a challenge, Mrs. Witter?

She smiled as well, biting down on her full lower lip in a way that sent a jolt through him, instantly making him hard again.

Well, I

Mommy!

Both their faces fell slightly as Emmas plaintive cry drifted down the hall, followed by the soft hiccups of Jakes sleepy baby tears, and Pacey dejectedly rolled off her in defeat.

Well, it was good while it lasted, she shrugged as she sat up to throw the covers off.

The jurys still out on that, he chuckled wearily from the bed, rubbing his hand over his mussed hair as he watched her hurry away, the long t-shirt brushing against her slender thighs in a place he wished he could be right now.

She threw him one last tantalizing smile of promise before she disappeared from the room, but Paceys smile faded yet again once he was alone.



~*~



Pace!

Yep. He emerged from the bathroom to wander into the bedroom, finding her standing in front of her closet.

She was wearing a slim black skirt and a silk slate-colored blouse that reflected the flecks of grayish-blue in her troubled brown eyes, the creases etched firmly in her brow as she held up a black womans suit on a hanger.

Do you think I should go with the suit?

He paused with a frown, afraid to say the wrong thing. He thought theyd already settled the wardrobe dilemma this morning, and he was just about to start breakfast, having planned a special meal of cinnamon French toast, one of Emmas favorites.

I, umI thought you decided on that skirt and blouse.

So, you think thats the wrong choice, too?

No, I, uhI didnt say that. He lifted his hand to scratch at his temple in distraction.

Do you think the suit makes me seem too eager? I mean, its kind of geeky to wear a suit on the first day of work, right? She pursed her lips and sighed as she glanced down at what she was already wearing. But this might seem too casual. Like Im not to be taken seriously. She lifted her eyes back to him. What do you think?

Pacey opened his mouth to reply, but then tilted his head, changing what he was going to say.

Did you just hear Jake? I think I heard Jake. I better go check on him.

He motioned with his hand over his shoulder before he took a giant step backwards out of the room to make his escape, smiling in amusement as he walked past the bathroom where Emma was still carefully and strategically attempting to place a barrette in her hair, having refused his assistance.

There had been a time when Pacey was the one to get up with her, to get her ready for her day, even brush and fix her hair, but that was when Joey was nursing Jake full time and up all hours of the night with his feedings. It would give her a little break, allow her to sleep in, especially since Pacey never really had to be at the restaurant before 11:00 am.

But then business started dropping off, and he was forced to make some difficult and depressing staff cuts, taking over in the kitchen as chef as well as on the floor as manager. At one point he was clocking almost 14 hour days at the restaurant, leaving the house as they were all just waking up, and coming home after everyone was long in bed.

But, really, if he was capable of doing that, he was most certainly capable of this. He never really wanted to come out and acknowledge it (and, of course, hed never say it to her) but Joey didnt have it so bad. Because really - what did it take to spend your day with a four-year-old and an eight-month-old baby? A few snacks, a few bottles, a few naps, playtime here and there

A literal walk in the park, thats what it was.

He stopped into the kitchen to check on Jake, who was already in his highchair working on a bowl of sliced bananas and diced peaches, most of the fruit squished and smeared across his face by now. Pacey reached up into the cabinet for the box of plain Cheerios, sprinkling a handful onto his tray before placing the box down on the countertop next to him.

Okay, Ive got to run or Ill be late. Joey suddenly burst into the kitchen with a briefcase slung over her arm, stopping to give baby Jake a kiss, bananas and all, before she turned to Pacey.

Are you going to be okay?

Were gonna be great. No worries.

She smiled that reluctant crooked smile. Okay. Ill call to check in later. Remember Emma has to be to school by 8:30.

Got it. He smiled as well, leaning down to murmur the words into a kiss with a playful feminine lilt to his voice. Have a good day, honey.

You, too. She kissed him back, hard and swift, before taking a deep breath to rush away, leaving him a little breathless, too.

He heard the sound of the front door closing after her as he left the kitchen to go down the hall, whistling softly under his breath as he reached the kids room. He went directly over to Emmas closet, pulling out one of the many cotton jersey dresses she owned from the Gap, realizing once again just how cushy Joeys days must have been, browsing and shopping all over town.

He draped the dress on the end of her bed before walking over to the top drawer of her bureau to find a pair of cotton undies and ankle socks.

Daddy?

He glanced over to see Emma now standing in the doorway, her little hands on her hips as she frowned at him, looking and sounding so much like her mother that it bordered on disturbing.

Yeah, sweetie?

Jake just made the hugest mess in the kitchen with his cereal. She flung her arms up in the air to emphasize her point. Its a disaster!

Pacey tried to hide the grin that snuck in, restraining the amusement from actually entering his voice.

Is that right? Well, we better go take a look.

She reached up for his hand as he walked over to her, taking it in hers to march him straight to the kitchen, and Pacey could only stifle a chuckle as he let her lead him, knowing he had only given Jake a handful of Cheerios to keep him occupied while they got dressed.

But his face fell as they turned the corner, seeing every conceivable inch of floor and counter space was covered with the tiny, circular pieces of cereal, as if the box had somehow spontaneously combusted and spewed its contents all over the room.

He groaned wearily, realizing he must have left the cereal within Jakes reach, as one of his arms was now stuck inside the empty cardboard box.

Jake, buddy, he sighed in dismay as he walked over to him, gingerly stepping across the kitchen floor as piles of Cheerios crunched under his feet. What are you doing to me here, little man?

He successfully extracted the babys arm from the box to place it aside, then reached for a paper towel to try to remove some of the Cheerios stuck to the banana mask on Jakes cheeks.

Em, sweetie? He glanced back at her, her arms folded across her chest as she struck a pose of moral indignation. You think you could be a big girl and go get yourself dressed while Daddy cleans this up?

Sure. She dropped her arms with a shrug as she turned to walk away.

Just call me if you need help.

I know how to do it.

Pacey had to do a double-take, narrowing his gaze suspiciously, pretty sure that hed caught her actually rolling her eyes at him before she left.

He dug a broom out of the hall closet, debating for a moment if he should just go with the vacuum, but decided he only had time to sweep a path clear for now if he was going to get Emma to her preschool by 8:30.

He knew Joeys usual morning ritual was to take Jake in the jogger stroller, and then shed continue on to the park for a morning run after dropping Emma off at school. He figured a little fresh air and exercise couldnt hurt, and so maybe hed do the same.

Cmon, Destructo-Baby. He hoisted Jake from the highchair, balancing him on his hip as he walked down the hall to his room, depositing him safely on the middle of the king-sized bed with a toy to occupy him before turning away towards his closet to get dressed himself.

Im ready, Daddy.

Pacey had just hiked his sweatpants up and glanced over towards his bedroom door, his mouth falling open slightly.

What thewhat happened to the dress I laid out for you?

Emma stood there, not in the dress that he had chosen, but in an ensemble of her own making. Bright multicolored striped leggings, a short denim skirt layered over that, topped with a long sleeve t-shirt festooned with purple glitter.

Whats the matter with this? She glanced down at her outfit.

Pacey puffed his cheeks out with an uncertain sigh as he raised his eyebrows, stealing a quick glance at the clock. 8:12 am.

Um, you know what? Thats fine. His gaze lowered to her pink plastic Barbie stiletto pumps adorned with fake feathers and he pursed his lips. Except maybe the shoes, babe. Why dont you just wear your sneakers, so you can run around and play? Go grab them and Ill help tie them. I just have to get Jake dressed right now.

Okay. She agreed reluctantly, and then glanced past him into the bedroom with a curious frown. But where is Jake?

Hes right Pacey turned his head quickly, but there was no baby sitting in the middle of the bed where hed left him only minutes before.

Jake? Pacey rushed around to the other side of the bed, his heart racing, half imagining some horrific scenario waiting for him there, but all he found was a blank space of floor.

His eyes darted around the room before he dropped flat on his stomach, lifting up the edge of the comforter to peer into the darkness and shadows, but he saw no signs of him under there.

Jake? Jake, buddy? He jumped up, running around the room in a circle as he scoped out every corner, before rushing out into the hall past Emma, who also began calling out softly for her baby brother.

He ran out into the living room, his heart pounding in his ears now, before darting towards the kitchen, figuring maybe he had gone back to the scene of the crime for a Cheerio fix. But there were no signs of him in there, either.

Suddenly, the grip of panic clutched his chest, and he practically toppled a kitchen chair as he flew towards the bathroom, not even willing to think about all the dangers that could lie in wait for a crawling baby in there.

Daddy!

The bathroom was empty, but he heard Emma calling to him from his bedroom.

What is it? He rushed into the room, seeing that she was standing in front of Joeys closet, holding open the door.

There, on the closet floor, was Jake, gnawing absently on the toe of one of Joeys dress shoes as he drooled all over the expensive Italian leather.

Pacey felt the relief wash through him, flooding his senses to the point he actually had to sit down on the corner of his bed, afraid his legs would buckle under the weight.

He likes Mommys shoes. Emma explained matter-of-factly.

Duly noted, Pacey smiled weakly at her in acknowledgement before he moved over to pick Jake up off the floor, cupping one hand under his round bottom and grimacing as he felt the squish of a very full diaper. He held him close all the same, murmuring in his ear. Thats a fetish you can work out at a later time, pal, but right now we need to take care of a more pressing matter.

He hurried down the hall to deposit him on the changing table, realizing as he peeled the diaper from his butt that this was a job no mere cloth baby wipe could handle.

We need to move this operation to the bathroom, he instructed Emma, who followed dutifully after him, lifting her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose against the offending odor.

He stripped off the rest of Jakes pajamas, reaching into the shower to turn the water on at a low pressure, and testing the temperature before he lifted the baby in both hands, supporting him under his arms. He then shoved him in there, holding his tiny bum under the spray of the shower nozzle until he was rinsed clean.

Wrapping him up in a fluffy bath towel, he went back to their bedroom to find him some clothes, dressing him once before he realized hed forgotten to put on a new diaper, and then dressing him all over again.

What else do you need for school, Em? Pacey glanced back at her as he hurried out to the living room, laying Jake on the couch to stuff each foot into a baby sneaker. You need your backpack, right?

Got it. She called out triumphantly, running over to where it was leaning against a wall in the front hall, by the coat rack.

Pacey pulled on his own sneakers, before lifting Jake in his arms to carry him over to the jogger stroller, which Joey kept parked in a remote corner of the rarely-used dining room, as they usually preferred to have their meals in the more close and cozy quarters of the small kitchen table.

Oh, and I need my snack! Emma informed him as she struggled to sling the backpack over her shoulder.

Pacey froze. Damn, how could he forget that?

Making sure Jake was safely secured and restrained in the stroller and that there were no possible routes of escape the baby could Houdini his way out of, Pacey dashed into the kitchen, frantically opening and closing cabinets until he located a box of chewy granola bars and then grabbed a juice bag from the fridge.

Daddy? He turned to see Emma standing there behind him with a rather forlorn expression, her hand on her stomach. Im kinda hungry now.

His shoulders slumped to realize not only he had he forgotten the special French toast, hed forgotten to give her breakfast altogether.

Reaching into the box of granola bars, he pulled out a second one, handing it to her with an apologetic smile.

Here you go, sweetie.

Thanks. She mumbled as she took it from him, staring at it uncertainly.

He shoved the other bar and juice box into her backpack before retrieving a clean plastic bottle from the dishwasher rack and filling it with some apple juice for Jake, figuring that would keep him happy for the walk to Emmas school.

They finally emerged from the apartment, after it took several minutes for Pacey to remember where he left his keys, and they turned down the hall to use the service elevator that would take them to the street below.

He sighed, slumping wearily against the wall of the elevator as the doors closed, listening to the sounds of Jake happily slurping on his bottle in his carriage and Emma humming a soft tune under her breath as she nibbled on her granola bar.

This was still going to be a walk in the park. He maybe needed to start with a few baby steps, but everything was going to work out just fine.

Pacey shifted positions as the elevator hit the ground floor, poised behind the stroller for the doors to open as his gaze drifted down to Emma, and the pink feathered Barbie pumps she still wore on her feet.

Oh, yeah. Just fine.



~*~



Joey stepped onto the elevator, her gaze quickly sweeping over its occupants to see if she recognized any familiar faces, feeling like just having someone to exchange a good morning with might make her feel a little less nervous. Though she didnt really know what she had to be nervous about.

She still visited her offices for meetings on almost a monthly basis, still had a whole network of friends and colleagues here. But she felt out of the loop all the same. Off her game. She had once been on her way up in this publishing firm, receiving coveted promotions and preferred assignments. But she knew there was something about giving all that up to have children that would always deter a little from her future successes. She had marked herself as someone whod put family priorities before professional ones.

And, while that might be a plus in real life, in this particular world it was still considered a negative. Although no one would ever come out and actually admit that, of course.

Joey just had to remind herself that she was here to do a job, that the arrangement would probably be temporary, and that she had neither the time nor inclination to get involved in things like office politics anymore.

She clutched her take-out coffee a little tighter in her hand as the elevator doors slid open on her floor and took a deep breath to step out into the hallway. There was a new receptionist behind the desk, someone she didnt recognize.

Hello, may I help you?

Yes, umno, ahIm, um, Joey PotWitter. She fumbled her words before finishing demurely, her cheeks tinged with the heat of embarrassment. Give her a break. It had almost been five years with the new name. Joey Witter.

Oh, right. Eileen said she was expecting you. Ill buzz her now.

The receptionist turned away to speak in low tones into the receiver of her headset telephone, and Joeys eyes slowly drifted over her desk, finally locating a name plaque on the corner edge.

Youre all set. If you want to take a seat, the receptionist nodded towards the leather couches to her right with a smile, shell be here in just one moment.

Thanks, Pam. Joey smiled a little more confidently before walking away towards the waiting area.

She had just started to lower herself to sit when she saw Eileen, one of her former supervising editors, making her way down the hall at a brisk pace.

Joey! She greeted her with a wide smile, extending her hand, and Joey quickly stepped forward to meet her in a handshake. Its so great to have you back.

Its great to be here, Joey smiled accordingly, lifting her hand to absently tuck a stray lock behind her ear, noticing how perfectly Eileens dark, glossy hair was swept up in a neat twist. Shed been running so late she had to borrow one of Emmas hair elastics.

Well, follow me and well get you settled in.

She followed after Eileen, passing by several offices of editors she used to work with, exchanging greetings and waves here and there, the smile spreading slowly as they approached the office that used to be hers, wondering if perhaps they were actually going to return it to her.

But instead they swept right past the door, turning the corner where there was a long row of cubbies occupied by all the junior copy editors, and Eileen stopped at the first desk.

So, here we are.

Joey tightened her grip on her smile, refusing to let it slip away right in front of her as she nodded her head in acknowledgement.

Thank you, Eileen.

Well, I see you already have your coffee, Eileen motioned towards the cup in her hand as she went to step away, but I trust you remember where everything is around here?

Yeah, Joey agreed, realizing under the circumstances it was really silly and childish of her to feel such disappointment. That I do.

She placed her coffee down on the desktop, moving to take a seat as she removed her briefcase strap from her shoulder, seeing there was already a stack of manuscripts piled on top of her work drawer.

So, listen, Eileen folded her arms across her chest as she leaned in closer, her voice dropping with some confidentiality. You were always such a great asset to us, Joey. A top-notch editor. And I know it might feel like youre taking a step back here, but

Joey held up her hand to stop her as she shook her head reassuringly.

Eileen, really, you guys have been more than accommodating in just agreeing to let me come back here after all this time. Im not expecting any special treatment. Honestly.

Eileen smiled, Okay, well, how about I ask for a favor then? Stan and I have a lunch meeting scheduled with this really hot new author and his agent. I mean, the buzz has already started on this guy and he hasnt even been published yet. All the major players around town have gotten a hold of advance copies of his manuscript, however, and if we could acquire the rights to this one, it would be a great coup. What do you say you come along with us? That way, we can put all our best people forward.

Joey lifted her chin a little higher in the air, feeling a certain amount of pride, secretly pleased to discover she was still considered to be in that category.

Wow. Id love to. Thanks.

Well meet in the lobby at 12:30. Ill see you then.

Okay. Bye, Eileen.

Joey took a deep breath once she was alone, adjusting her position in her seat as her gaze drifted over the blank space of her desk.

Leaning over, she dug through the briefcase shed placed on the floor, finally pulling out a small picture of Emma and Jake taken at the beach this summer when they were visiting Capeside. She propped the photograph carefully against the beige wall of her cubby before turning away to pick up the first manuscript on the pile.



~*~



Joey fingered the collar of her blouse before smoothing her hand down the front of her skirt as she followed Eileen and Stan Margolin, one of the managing editors, into the lobby of the five star restaurant, suddenly wishing she had gone with the suit this morning instead.

The hostess grabbed some menus to lead them to their table, and Joey felt a brief, irrational stab of guilt as she trailed after the others through the dining room, remembering that this place had been one of Paceys greatest competitors. Perhaps where she happened to have lunch today should just be left out of their conversations when she arrived home tonight.

It had been two weeks now since he had to close the restaurant, and as much as they had all enjoyed having him back in their lives on a daily basis at home, she knew he was troubled by a lot of guilt and sadness, as much as he tried not to show it around her, or the kids. And, as much as she hated when he shut her out, she understood enough about her husband by now to know that his greatest concern was that he would somehow fail them. And this, to him, was a great failure.

Shed struggled every day with trying to reach out to him and be a source of comfort, while at the same time not wanting to act too sympathetic or, worse yet, patronizing. She didnt view this as a failure on Paceys part, because she was still amazed he made such a success out of the restaurant to begin with. She really had no doubts he could accomplish anything he set his mind to. The trouble, as always, was getting him to believe that.

They took their places at the table and Joey glanced curiously at the empty seats across from them as she picked up her menu, before leaning over towards Eileen, keeping the tone of her voice at a discreet level.

So, what else do we know about this guy?

Not much, Eileen admitted with a shrug. Hes apparently around thirty or so. Has spent a lot of years in Europe. I think he may have taught at one time, but like I said hes never been published before. She picked up her menu with a smile. And I hear tell hes a little rough around the edges, but extremely attractive.

She snickered a little and Joey grinned in amusement as she glanced over to see Stan wearily rolling his eyes as he muttered, Great. Because thats what sells books these days. Pretty faces.

Well, hes got Jay Greeley as an agent, Eileen lifted her eyebrows.

Joey nodded her head, duly impressed as she returned her attention to her menu. She knew the name, and knew he specialized in, and probably made a small fortune out of representing only best selling authors. Someone of Jay Greeleys stature probably didnt need to be taking on a new client unless he had demonstrated an awful lot of promise.

And, speak of the devil, Eileen murmured after a moment, pushing back her chair to stand, a brilliantly fake smile plastered across her face as she extended her hand.

Jay! How good to see you.

Eileen, always a pleasure.

Joey placed her menu aside to stand as well, smiling politely as she was vaguely familiar with Jay Greeley from various literary events shed attended over the years shed been associated with this publishing firm.

But it was when her gaze traveled to the other man who arrived at their table with him, their eyes meeting in a startled encounter, that familiarity swiped the smile right off her face, not needing to hear Jays introduction to know exactly who this was.

Id like you all to meet my client, Eddie Doling.


~*~

The crisp evening air chilled the tip of her nose as Joey traveled the sidewalk, her hands buried deep in the pockets of her trench coat, watching the sunset gradually tint the buildings in warm pink and orange hues with fiery windows, then a fade to lilac at twilight, finally settling into the blue-black of night.

Every so often, scattered brown leaves would scrape and scurry across the cement sidewalk around her feet, driven by the light breeze or picked up in the tailwind of a passing car, to accumulate in small drifts along the curb, and she remembered what it was like to trudge through those leaf piles with the satisfying sounds of fall. Crunch swoosh crunch.

She turned down her street, her gaze drawn to the warm glow from first floor apartment windows, seeing people returning to their homes after a day at work, meals being prepared, some gathering together around a dinner table or relaxing in front of their televisions, some only sitting quietly by themselves in sparsely furnished rooms.

When she was younger and would walk alone at night in Capeside, a much different time and place than here, in the city, she would sometimes gaze into the lighted windows of homes she passed along her way with a sort of detached voyeurism. Night has this habit of filtering things out, thrusting you into your own solitude, reducing ones world in those brief moments to fleeting glimpses into the lives of other people.

And shed wonder, if only just for a second, what it might be like to be them.

Maybe even wish she were.

She realized as she grew up, however, that these hints of details in other peoples lives, seen from the outside looking in, never revealed all that was underneath the surface, and that even picture perfect lives framed in windowpanes were not without some trouble or pain or suffering or sadness.

Lifting her eyes as the autumn wind threaded through the tree branches overhead, sending some more leaves floating to the ground, she caught a glimpse of her own window in the distance, the faint illumination of the living room lamp through the sheer cream colored curtains.

It was like a small, peaceful beacon of light welcoming her home, yet still her footsteps on the sidewalk slowed all the same.

She had to tell him tonight. There was no getting out of it this time.

All day, ever since Eileen dropped by her desk with the so-called good news, Joey had been going over in her head what she would say to Pacey. How she would break it to him.

At first, she figured she would just immediately set his mind at ease by assuring him that she would not be involved in the editing of this particular book. But the more she thought about it, the more apparent it became that was a lot easier said than done, especially if it was a specific task assigned to her.

The publishing house had actually done her a great favor by allowing her to come back to work on her own time, especially since they reinstated her full employee benefits. While they had some money still coming in from the Icehouse, that would start to dwindle now that the off season was upon them, and her job was about more than money. For instance, she now carried her familys health insurance, a huge expense in and of itself, but a necessary one. After all, they had two children to think of.

The bottom line was that they could not afford for Joey to lose this job right now, and under the circumstances, she felt like it wasnt her place to rock the boat. She had to make every effort to be a team player, and refusing an editing assignment on the basis of the fact she dated the author for a few months when she was only nineteen years old might be viewed as just a wee bit unprofessional.

She finally stepped into the foyer of her building, sliding her bag from her shoulder to grip the leather strap in her hand as she climbed the polished wood staircase to the second floor.

Pushing through the door into their apartment, she smiled as she hung her bag and trench coat on one of the hooks in the small front hall, spying Emma sitting on the floor in the living room with her crayons and a pad of paper. Jake was next to her, lolling on the carpet in his pajamas as he tried to grasp his feet in his hands.

Mommy, Emma beamed up at her, look what I made!

Joey walked over to her, crouching down to stroke her long dark hair as she gazed at the picture. Thats beautiful. I love the colors, Em.

Leaning over Jake, she rubbed his tummy as he gurgled in delight and glanced up to see Pacey emerge from the hallway in a dark blue dress shirt and black trousers, his face cleanly shaved, his hair looking slightly damp from the shower.

Hey, she smiled at him curiously as she straightened to greet him, murmuring into their kiss as she caught a faint trace of cologne, you smell good.

Well, it just so happens I have a meeting tonight with some guys who might be interested in starting a new restaurant, he smiled and shrugged in explanation, brushing her hair back over her shoulder, the tips of his fingers gently grazing her neck.

Really? Joeys eyes widened in mild surprise.

Yeah, I guess theyre some guys that Roscoe somehow knows. They recently acquired some commercial property over West 49th and theyre looking to turn it into something, he explained animatedly, moving away to head back towards their bedroom as she trailed after him.

Theyre real estate investors but theyve never been involved in a restaurant before, and its something theyre apparently interested in for that location. Roscoe only called me about it this afternoon, and it turned out everyone was free to meet tonight.

He paused as he reached his closet, turning to grin sheepishly at her.

By the way, I am free to meet tonight, arent I?

Joey was still trying to catch up but offered an obligatory smile of amusement, Yes.

I ordered pizza from Montes for you and Emma. It should be here any minute. Oh, and I also got one of those salads you like, Pacey continued as he dug through his closet to pull out a suit jacket that matched his trousers. And Jake has already been fed and hosed down.

He slipped on the jacket, turning to meet her eyes with a slightly anxious frown. Do you think I should wear a tie?

Joey stepped forward to run her hand down his chest, smoothing the lapel of the jacket. Where are you meeting them?

The Oyster Bar just for drinks.

No. She stepped back to appraise him with a small smile. Who ever knew that fashion-challenged boy would turn into a man who wore a suit so well? Thats perfect.

She remembered she used to get a little jealous when hed go off to the restaurant looking and smelling so good, especially back when she was stuck at home alone with a colicky Emma. She was aware nearly half the twenty-something waitresses he employed had the hots for him, and knew it was in his nature to be a harmless flirt, although she trusted him implicitly.

She knew he would always come home to her.

So, she supposed she should give him the same credit.

Hesitating, she started to say something, but then only lowered her head to stare at the floor, her forehead creasing in distraction.

Pacey paused as well, watching her with a small frown. You okay?

Yeah, she shook her head and glanced up, but didnt exactly meet his questioning gaze. I just wanted to talk to you about something, but - it can wait

Pacey moved towards her, placing his hands on her shoulders, and lowered his voice softly as he crouched down until he could look directly into her eyes.

Well, so can I.

She smiled softly, holding his gaze this time.

No, really, she assured him, realizing this was not the time or place, not wanting to interfere with his excitement over this meeting. You go. Good luck.

Okay, he sighed, relenting as he leaned in to kiss her, mumbling against her lips, Love you.

Love you, too, she kissed him back, her smile fading as she turned to watch him leave.





After a near miracle occurred and both Emma and Jake fell asleep before their actual bedtimes, Joey tucked them safely away in their beds and then climbed into her own with a manuscript to read, hoping to wait up for Pacey.

As soon as she was snuggled up against the cushy down pillows, however, wrapped in the warm folds of cotton sheets and soft blankets, it was a struggle to even keep her eyes open, let alone focus on the page she was reading, no matter how anxious she was to hear how his dinner meeting went. So, the battle forged on as she drifted between various planes of consciousness, every so often her heavy eyes fluttering open to the warm glow of the bedside lamp, her gaze focusing drowsily on the numbers displayed on the nightstand clock radio.

Finally, she awoke with a mild start to see the room was now cast completely in dark shadows, the manuscript no longer propped in her hand. She lifted her head off the pillow, squinting her eyes in drowsy confusion, and noticed flickering lights faintly playing over the hallway wall just beyond her bedroom door.

Throwing off the covers, she swung her legs over to get up, folding her arms across her chest on a slight shiver as she abandoned the warmth of the bed to pad down the hall in bare feet.

Glancing into the living room area, she saw all the lights were off but the television was on, though the sound had been muted to barely audible murmurs. She paused at the arched kitchen doorway, finding him there, his suit jacket draped haphazardly on a chair and his dress shirt now wrinkled and unbuttoned as he stood in front of the open refrigerator.

She covered a small yawn as she shuffled into the room, narrowing her eyes sleepily against the soft glow of the kitchen wall sconces, though their wattage wasnt much higher than Emmas butterfly nightlight.

Hey, youre home.

At the sound of her voice, he turned to glance back with a small smile, but his eyes appeared to be shadowed in the faint light, and thats when she noticed there was a certain weary slump to his shoulders.

It was the sound of his voice, however, that gave him away and Joeys stomach sank a little with a weighted realization of sympathy. It would seem tonight hadnt gone as well as expected.

Hey. Did I wake you? I was trying to be quiet. I came home and found you in there in bed with a manuscript. His deep voice was weary and rough, but his smile still curved up in a joking grin, You know, theres a difference between loving your work and loving your work.

She only gave him the obligatory smirk and shook her head, moving to take a seat at the kitchen table, gently rubbing his back as she passed by.

I was actually trying to wait up for you.

She tucked one leg under her body to curl up in a chair, huddling there in her pajamas, still slightly chilled.

You want some? He turned away from the refrigerator, letting the door swing shut as held up the box of leftover pizza. I was gonna heat it up in the toaster oven.

No, thanks, she smiled up at him again and attempted to keep her voice light and unassuming, So, tell me. How did it go?

Well, he drew out the word on a sigh as he placed a couple of slices the oven, and then turned to come sit with her. Its a great location, and sounds like its going to be a great opportunity. He laughed a little, scratching at his temple as he shrugged, I dont know if itll necessarily be a great opportunity for me, per se, but

He let his words trail off before dropping the tone of his voice to a more defeatist level.

I dont really know how it went, to tell you the truth, he admitted as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on the table, staring down at his hands. There seemed to be an awful lot of conversation focused on the fact my latest restaurant so recently failed, and all the various reasons as to why that might have happened.

He shrugged again, more dismissively this time, and looked up to meet her eyes. Eh, I dont know. They said theyd be in touch.

Joey only smiled sadly, reaching over to place her hand on top of his and give it a reassuring squeeze.

He then took her hand, bowing his head to kiss the back of it before he met her eyes again with another smile. So, how was your day?

It was okay, she sighed, gazing down at his thumb now gently tracing circles on her skin. She hesitated, opening her mouth to speak, but changed the direction of what she was going to say at the last minute.

Um, by the way, the kids were both out like lights right after dinner, she narrowed her eyes in faintly suspicious amusement. What did you do to them today?

We played Survivor Island, he grinned in explanation. No one could have an afternoon snack until theyd completed several different levels of endurance tests and then built a fire using only three items from their toy box.

She rolled her eyes with a small laugh, though they were both keeping their voices hushed, Well, I never thought of that one.

Yeah, well, it was a close contest, until it was revealed Emma formed a secret alliance with CocoPuff to win it all, he shrugged.

She laughed again on a yawn, and her voice softened even more as she tilted her head to let her eyes drift over his face.

Youre doing a great job, Pace. I forgot how good you are at this.

Ah, I beg to differ, he chuckled quietly.

You are, she insisted with a gentle firmness to her tone, lilting into a confidential whisper, even though it was just the two of them. That whole first year with Emma? I was a nervous wreck, a disaster. Always running to consult a book, or call my sister, or call the doctorwhile you seemed to just have this natural instinct. She shook her head with a small smile. I wouldnt have made it through without you.

Well, me, Pacey amended with a mischievous glint in his tired blue eyes, and your breasts. They can never possibly get enough credit. I think we can safely say they got us all through that tough time.

She only smirked in response as he chuckled, continuing, And, you know, the fact remains we were both taken a bit by surprise there. She sorta ambushed us.

Right, Joey joked with a careless shrug of her shoulder. Who knew that sex could lead to pregnancy?

Pacey sighed dramatically as he shook his head in agreement. One of the things they never tell you.

I still remember that day we were taking her home from the hospital, Joey smiled absently as she lowered her eyes to the table and laughed a little, and we kept announcing and repeating to everyone on staff that we were going. Okay, were really leaving this time. As if one of them was actually going to detain us, and realize how inept we were, and that we had no business being put in charge of a newborn baby.

Yeah, I remember, he sighed with a chuckle. I think it was the happiest scariest moment of my lifewell, one of em anyway.

She lifted her eyes and he caught her gaze, holding it close like a warm embrace, and they sat there like that a moment, her hand still in his, surrounded by only the quiet, peaceful hush of their apartment. The place where it had once been just the two of them, absorbed in the daily rush of the present but rooted in the past, the great unknown of their futures lingering somewhere just beyond their front door.

Now everything was here - the past, present and future all moved in to settle down with them, their presence felt in every corner of every room.

You know, he finally dropped his eyes, shifting in his seat as he cleared his throat and moved to stand, walking over to the toaster oven on the counter, when we had Emma and you made that decision to leave the publishing firm and work at homewell, I always knew you were going back someday. I just always thought it would be on your own terms. Not like this. He turned to come back to the table with two slices of pizza on plates, putting one down in front of her. Not because you had to.

And, as Joey stared down at the pizza she hadnt asked for, realizing he knew her well enough to know shed have changed her mind as soon as she saw his, she also realized it was the opening she knew she had to take.

The timing was still not exactly opportune but she felt it would somehow be easier, better to tell him out here rather than in their bedroom, a place reserved for midnight confessions of a wholly different kind.

Um, she tried to maintain as steady and as nonchalant a voice as possible as she picked at a piece of melted cheese, speaking of work, that was kind of what I wanted to talk to you about earlier.

She hesitated, her forehead creasing with the effort of trying to suppress a frown. We, ahwe signed a brand new author today. And, it just so happens that its Eddie Doling.

Pacey only furrowed his brow, appearing to be mildly perplexed as he took a bite of his pizza and chewed slowly, and Joey could see he was trying to place the name.

Eddie, she repeated the name a little more deliberately as she studied him for a reaction, as in, the Eddie that I used to know.

He seemed to stiffen a little and his face fell, and she watched his eyes darken and retreat painfully back into the shadows of memory.

Oh, he immediately dropped his half eaten slice of pizza back onto the dish, I see. He cleared his throat again, seeming to carefully study the kitchen tabletop. Well, I guess, um, thatsthats not a name Ive heard in a while.

He wrote a book, Joey explained quietly. Were publishing his book.

Really. A book, huh? Pacey commented with a rather dismissive sarcastic edge to his voice. Good for him.

Joey pursed her lips, her own voice growing a little fainter. And, the possibility does exist I could end up working on this book, so, you know

Why you? Paceys dark eyes shot up on a sharp response.

She only stared back at him a moment, slightly taken aback, before bowing her head as she tried to come up with the appropriate answer. But before she could speak his voice changed, softening more intimately. And, she understood, with an unspoken apology for just reacting so harshly. Which only made her feel worse.

And does that make you uncomfortable, Jo?

No, she shook her head distractedly. I mean yes - I suppose it might be a little strange, but just sort of in the its a small world kind of way, you know. And I mean, the concept, not the ride at Disney World, she rushed to amend before frowning uncertainly, although thats not to say that there isnt a certain element of the bizarre in that, as well - dioramas of animatronic children with those frozen painted smiles and doll eyes chanting the words over and over again Her voice trailed off as she shrugged. Kinda freaky, you know?

Taking a deep breath, she forged onward, But, Pace, that was all so long ago, I-

I know, he interrupted before she finished, but wasnt exactly meeting her eyes.

Joey worried her bottom lip a moment before bringing her hands in to help make her argument, realizing even as she said the words that she should probably be thrown out of court.

It would be the same as that time a couple of years ago. Remember when you had that corporate function at the restaurant? She tilted her head, nearly pleading with him to understand. It was a holiday party for some big law firm. And you told me one of the people you had to deal with turned out to be someone you dated onceum, Melanie something-or-other, wasnt it?

Yeah, I remember, he sighed, rubbing a hand over his face before he fixed his pointed gaze on her. But it wouldnt be exactly the same as that, now would it?

Joey slumped back in the kitchen chair in resignation.

If you dont want me to work with him, Pacey, thats fine. Ill just have to talk to my managing editors. But-

I didnt say that, Jo, Pacey cut her off again, his voice lowering somewhat ominously. Dont put me there. Thats not fair.

She bowed her head contritely, realizing part of her actually wanted him to react that badly, if only to justify her prior withholding and assuage her associated feelings of guilt.

He paused, and then asked, So, ah - whens the last time you saw him?

Joeys mouth fell open slightly, the words she was going to say now backlogged in her throat as it tightened with some apprehension. She struggled weakly to get them out, realizing there was no way to talk around this.

Actually, um, I well, see, there was

Mommy?

They both turned to see Emma standing in the kitchen doorway in her pajamas, her long dark hair a fuzzy halo as she rubbed tiredly at one eye.

What are you doing up? Joeys voice softened as she got up to go over to the little girl, crouching down next to her. You need to go back to bed, honey.

I need a drink, Emma murmured in drowsy confusion, probably only half awake.

Got it. Pacey stood up from his chair to go over to the refrigerator, pulling out the jug of spring water as he glanced back at Joey. And you should probably go back to bed, too. Youve gotta be up in a few hours.

There was very little emotion in his dull, weary tone, and it almost sounded as if he were dismissing her, wanting to be finished with this particular conversation.

Joey straightened to stand, resting her hand on Emmas head to play with her soft hair as she watched him.

What about you?

I want someone to lay down with me, Emmas sleepy voice wavered with mild distress.

Pacey filled a covered cup with some water and turned to come over to them, easily scooping Emma up in his arms as he gave Joey only the faintest hint of a smile.

Well, I think that answers your question. He hiked Emma up a little higher to hand her the cup of water and shrugged in explanation as he started down the hall. I wouldnt be able to fall asleep right now anyway. I think my body is still on the restaurant schedule. After I get her settled, I think Im just gonna go watch some TV a while.

Joey only stared after him, calling out softly, You okay?

Yeah, fine, he replied without a backwards glance, Emma now resting her head on his broad shoulder.

She stood there a moment after he disappeared in the room at the end of the hall, the comforting quiet and stillness that had wrapped around them so intimately in the kitchen just a little while ago now only making her feel oddly lost and alone in her own apartment.

She knew how Pacey worked, however, and recognized all his various limits and boundaries. This was not an issue she could push with him any further right now. He had shut down for business for the evening, and it was one of those things between them that would get stamped unfinished and filed away for another day.

As much as Joey didnt like to keep that particular file too crowded and cluttered, she also knew she couldnt straighten it away all tonight - nor could she do it all by herself.

So, she turned to go back to bed, curling up alone in the sheets that had lost all their warmth, staring out blankly at the lights of the city against the backdrop of the nighttime sky.





Absently shuffling the papers in her hands, Joey carefully placed them aside on her desk as she went to check her voice mail messages again. As pathetic as it may be, she was secretly hoping Pacey had called in the 45 seconds it had taken her to go to the fax room and back.

Things had been rather strained around them at home the past two days, although it wasnt a very obvious, palpable kind of tension, like after a fight. But Joey could feel it all the same, the slight shift that occurred between them ever since the night she told him about Eddie.

And she wanted to come clean with full disclosure about that lunch, but every morning was a chaotic blur of alarm clocks and crowded bathrooms, getting dressed in a rush and out the door with a barely enough time for goodbyes. Every evening was a whole different kind of chaos, stepping right out of her workday into taking care of the kids and their all-consuming needs while Pacey made dinner, followed by tubs and storybooks and the usual battle of bedtimes.

And then, when it was finally just the two of them, exhausted in different ways from their respective days, it hung there between them like a veil, a curtain of some sheer fabric. They could see past it, but it was a divider all the same.

Yet she didnt really want to be the one to bring it up, feeling that would somehow mark her with a suspicion of guilt in some strange way making it seem she was still dwelling on this situation with Eddie, when Pacey was perhaps not. And, for every moment she felt some relief that Pacey didnt seem to want to offer anything up on the subject, there was another moment where she worried he was holding back.

They had an established pattern of shared behavior in these situations, however - whether it was an argument that reached a stalemate or got cut short before a resolution, or just a bothersome issue that hadnt been properly addressed. One of them would finally break down and make a random phone call to the other in the middle of the afternoon at work, something they usually didnt do in the normal course of a busy day.

The actual words used would be irrelevant, the meaning behind them translated into something much different, and much, much more important.

For example, did you ever call the credit card company about that charge last month? would really be are we okay? and oh, right - Ill do that today was actually yeah, were good.

Perhaps it could be seen as the easy way out, but at the same time life was too short to dwell too long on any one problem or misunderstanding. And it was a welcome feeling of relief to walk through the door of their apartment at the end of that day to know whatever it was it wasnt going to be following her home that night.

Joey frowned in mild disappointment as she held the receiver to her ear, listening to the automated voice tell her she had no new messages.

There was, however, a saved message on there from earlier this morning. It was her friend Marit who hadnt realized Joey was back at work full time, feigning playful indignation over the fact she hadnt been properly notified of this and that they had yet to do lunch.

Marit was a pretty amazing woman; an award-winning childrens author and illustrator Joey had met through her various connections in the publishing world. She was smart and funny and rebellious, not much older than Joey yet wise beyond her years at the same time. Other than the fact she was dark and somewhat exotic in appearance (and, Joey supposed, the fact she was a lesbian), Marit actually reminded her a little of Jen.

And most days that made her smile. Only once in a great while did it make her sad, too.

She made a mental note to call her back before she left for the afternoon, but right at this moment she had a more urgent matter with which to contend.

Eddie Doling was due to arrive at their office in the next ten minutes or so with his agent for a preliminary meeting in the large conference room, and Joey decided it would be best for everyone involved if she just made herself scarce a while. She didnt feel like dealing with Eddie, annoyed that he had the sort of arrogance to use her name when signing with the firm, after pretending he didnt even know who she was and without ever considering the awkward position he might be placing her in.

She slipped away from her desk, grabbing the manuscript shed started working on at home last night, and found her way to the employee break room on her floor. Pouring herself her second cup of coffee that day, she pulled a chair up to a table in a quiet corner of the room, only offering small, polite smiles in explanation to the others who wandered in every so often to throw curious glances her way.

There was a brief respite from the employee traffic for a while, and Joey became so absorbed in her proofreading she didnt even glance up right away when the break room door swung open again. When she finally did tear her attention away from the page, her eyes widened in surprise and she nearly groaned in dismay to see who was standing in front of her.

Dont they give you a desk here? Eddie was watching her, his eyes narrowed in wry amusement. Based on their offers, they seem to be able to throw a lot of money around. Is that how they do it - cut costs when it comes to employees?

Well, speaking of employees, she smiled tightly, you may want to take a second look at that door you just walked through.

She pointed towards it with the red pencil in her hand and Eddie turned to pull open the door and glance at the words emblazoned across it in block letters: Employees Only

Amazing how you could learn to write without learning to read, she offered in muted sarcasm.

Eddie dropped his head with a short laugh as he released the door to let it shut. Wow, he shook his head. Youre tough. I forgot that about you.

Still smiling in amusement, he let his eyes drift over her as he shrugged. Sorry. I was only looking to get a cup of coffee and I was directed here.

Joey lowered her eyes back to the page to murmur in exaggerated disinterest, They bring you coffee right into meetings - all you have to do is ask.

Id like to think I was still capable of pouring my own coffee, Eddie sort of scoffed defensively, walking over the coffee station set up in the opposite corner of the room.

While his back was turned, Joey lifted her eyes to watch him warily as he continued.

I mean, all of a sudden I have all these people practically bowing at my feet, when before I couldnt get anyone to even return a phone call. I guess Im not used to the attention. Honestly, he finished pouring his coffee and turned to face Joey, who immediately dropped her gaze back to her reading, I feel like Ive got a bunch of people around me just telling me what I want to hear. And you cant really bullshit a bullshitter, ya know? I dont know if I can trust any of em.

Not like the people who knew me when, his voice lowered. People like you.

She raised her head again, almost laughing in scornful disbelief. Like me? Eddie, I knew you like fifteen years ago.

She stood up then, grabbing for her manuscript and cup of coffee.

Look, she let loose a sudden rush of words, Eileen mentioned in passing that you requested to work with me, and Im just really have a problem in trying to figure out how you think that could possibly be a good idea?

She finished gathering her things to glare at him almost accusingly.

He only frowned in what appeared to be mild confusion. And you think youd have a problem with that?

No! She exclaimed in slight exasperation at being faced with that same question again. Its not that. Its just not - its not necessary, you know? She wrinkled her forehead, unable to understand why he didnt seem to get that, or realize just how closely an editor works with an author throughout the whole production schedule. Sometimes its not the best idea to forge a professional relationship with someone you once had a personal relationship with. Besides, we have so many other good editors on staff, people in higher positions that myself, and-

Im sure you do, he interrupted, lowering his head to stare into his coffee cup. But like I said it feels like I dont know who to trust anymore. There are too many people in the mix who I feel dont really know me. Dont get me. I sometimes feel like Im getting manipulated in all these subtle ways, and then I think about what theyre asking me to do to hand my words over for them to manipulate, too.

One thing I know is that I can trust you, he looked up to meet her gaze. Youre an honest person, and you always understood my writing, my vision. Hell, you were really the first one to see anything worthwhile in any of it - in me. And, you may not believe this, when Im standing here in these fancy offices of yours, wearing these clothes, signing contractsbut its far more important for me to be the best author I can be than to make a million dollars. I feel like youd keep me true to myself and to my words. Besides, I was taught a long time ago by one of my creative writing teachers that there are no good writers - only great editors.

Joey exhaled slowly, turning to stare blankly at the door as she absorbed all this.

This will only be a completely professional situation to me, Joey. He took a small step towards her, gesturing with his hand. And I want to do my best with this opportunity Ive been given. I dont want to screw it up. I know I have no right to ask, but would you at least consider it? After all, youre the reason Im here. I could have easily signed with another publishing house. His voice softened somewhat. And youre also right that what happened between us was a lot of years ago. As far as Im concerned, thats all water under the bridge. If you feel differently, however, just say so.

Joey turned to stare at him, her mouth opening to respond, but suddenly the door flew open and one of the secretaries barged in.

Oh, sorry, the woman hesitated, her eyes darting back and forth between them.

Thats okay. I was just leaving, Joey murmured as she moved to step past her.

Eddie followed, lowering his voice discreetly as they both emerged into the hall, Please think about it.

Joey only nodded her head shortly in acknowledgement. I have to get back to my desk.

Okay.

He walked with her, heading back in the general direction of the conference rooms, and they both fell silent a moment before he glanced over again.

So, I shouldve figured Id find you here in New York, he offered a half smile. How long have you lived in the city?

Since after college, I guess, she shrugged noncommittally.

Yeah, Ive been traveling so much the past few years, I decided it might be a good idea to finally get a permanent residence. Some place for all my junk mail to go, he laughed a little as he shrugged his shoulder. But Ive been looking for almost two months now and have to admit I experienced some sticker shock at first. The prices they want for even these little hole in the wall studio apartments? He shook his head. Insanity.

Yeah, I know how that goes.

The corner of her mouth curled up reluctantly as she replied, but she couldnt help but think of how the real estate market had affected the restaurant as well. Every time lease negotiations came up, the owner of Paceys building raised the rent a little more.

She was struck all over again by the unfairness of that whole situation, and just how little shed been able to do to help him.

You know, I thought it would be kinda cool to find a place in the West Village, Eddie continued as they walked, Former home to all my favorite writers: Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsberg, William Burroughs

I havewe have, Joey replied absently, her mind still on other things, a place in the Village.

Really? Eddie glanced over to watch her face. So, ahwe, huh? Does that include any kids?

Joey nodded her head. Two.

Eddie nearly stopped short, his face falling in surprise. Youre serious?

Yeah, she couldnt help but grin in faint amusement at his semi-shocked expression, I have a four-year-old daughter and an eight-month-old son.

One of each, huh? He shook his head in mild amazement.

Mm-hmm.

They reached her desk, and Joey slipped into her small cubicle to place her coffee cup down, feeling slightly self-conscious about her humble work area.

Oh, wow, Eddie took a step inside the cramped space, squinting his eyes to peer at the handful of photos she now had tacked on the wall next to her computer screen. Are these them?

Yeah, thats Jake, she indicated, and this is Emma.

God, Eddie leaned in to stare at the photo of Emma, a close up of her little face with the slight indent of a dimple, only the hint of a mischievous smile hovering around her lips, and his voice softened. Shes gorgeous. She looks just like youwell, except for those big blue eyes.

She has Paceys eyes, Joey murmured matter-of-factly as she shrugged her shoulder. They both do.

Eddie pulled back, tilting his head with a slightly puzzled frown.

Wait - you married Pacey? Audreys Pacey?

Joey fought the scowl she felt tugging at her brow, hearing him referred to like that her husband, the man with whom she had children, shared her bed and every part of herself causing her to feel like she just received a small punch to the gut.

But, she chose to ignore it, resisting the rather childish urge to issue the retort, he was my Pacey first.

Well, I, um, she stumbled over her words in confusion, remembering that Eileen had clearly introduced her as Joey Witter. I figured that you knew that from the other day, at that lunch meeting.

I guess I never knew his last name, Eddie bowed his head to stare at the floor and appeared to be searching his memory bank. I didnt remember it anyway, he shrugged, but I only met the guy once or twice.

Suddenly Jay Greeley appeared from around the corner, wearing an expensive Armani suit and an equally as costly frown as he motioned with his hand.

Eddie, lets do this thing. Theyre waiting.

Right, Eddie sighed, moving to follow after him as he glanced back at Joey with a faint grin, Here goes nothing.

Joey only gave him a half smile, smoothing her skirt underneath her to take a seat back at her desk as she watched him walk away.

Oh my God, Joey, who was that? Was that the new author they just signed Eddie Doling?

She glanced up to see Sarah, another editor, standing in the spot Eddie had just vacated, also staring after his retreating form, her voice holding the same kind of breathless glee as a fourteen-year-old might exhibit at seeing her favorite boy band singer live and in person.

Yep, that would be him, Joey lowered her own eyes to her computer screen, grabbing her mouse to check her e-mail.

Sarah was young and attractive, maybe 3 or 4 years out of college and the current occupant of Joeys old office. And that didnt bother Joey in the least. Nor did the fact shed actually trained Sarah back when she was a flighty and sometimes scatterbrained intern, and that one of her main responsibilities used to be retrieving Joey coffee and biscotti from the caf across the street, and that now she was considered above Joey in the hierarchy of the publishing house and made more money than her.

Nope, didnt bother her at all.

Okay, well let me just wipe the drool off my face right now! Sarah exclaimed in hushed tones, leaning in conspiratorially. What do you know about him?

Joey raised her eyebrows with a short, humorless laugh.

Well, I know he might be a little old for you.

What are you talking about?" Sarah laughed as well. What is he - thirty years old, maybe 32? How old do you think the guys I date are, anyway? Besides, Sarah informed her with a toss of her dark blonde locks, I much prefer guys in that age range because they tend to have their shit together.

Hmm, Joey attempted to stifle a small snort of amusement to consider Eddie in that category.

She didnt intend to be so cynical, but at the same time could admit she hung onto just the tiniest bit of residual bad feelings where he was concerned.

What was it about guys like Eddie? Why were they so difficult to move on from? It hardly seemed fair. Theyre the ones who proved to not be worthy your time, so why do you devote even more time to dwelling and stewing and moping over them once theyre gone?

Is the anger or animosity you hang onto really directed at them for hurting you, or are you actually angry with yourself for letting them hurt you?

Exactly whom are you really holding that grudge against?

And Joey realized what the psychobabble might say in regards to some of her past relationships like the one she shared with Eddie. That perhaps she placed herself in the same scenarios over and over again, choosing the fantasy version over the real thing. A learned behavior to protect her heart from more disappointment, perhaps, since she knew it was going to end eventually, as all nice daydreams tend to do.

But Eddie had once represented something else to her as well. Eddie used to symbolize everything Joey felt she needed to do at that point in her life to grow up, move beyond the triangular confines of Capeside, let go of the past and embrace the great, clear wide open of her future.

She was almost there, too, until Pacey happened to her all over again.

Surprise.

Suddenly, the past caught up with her and the future loomed, the clocked ticked away and everyone seemed to be once again - looking to her to make the kind of decision she wasnt ready to make. Running towards something became running from something.

She never intended to break Paceys heart. Nor did she intend to get hers broken.

Of all the moments that defined them, that was one Joey wished she could forget. But it was part of their history all the same. Part of what got them here, to where they were today.

And Joey realized she needed to get where she was, to grow up, on her own and at her own pace. Not by anyone elses schedule - not Paceys and most certainly not by Eddies.

So, perhaps Eddie only symbolized those things to her back then because she was scared to go it alone, and seeing him now made her recall a time in her life shed rather forget. Maybe she was bothered with him simply for serving as that reminder.

Look, Sarah, Joey shook her head as she tried to both ignore and define the strange sense of irritation she felt. Its really not a good idea to date the authors. You have to work too closely with them, and its important to maintain a professional relationship.

Joey lowered her head a bit, pretending to intently study something on her computer screen, realizing what a complete and total hypocrite she just sounded like but grateful Sarah hadnt been around when she was dating Christopher so she couldnt call her on it.

Well, thanks for the advice, but I think I can handle it, Sarah shrugged dismissively, sounding almost snotty about the whole thing as she moved to leave.

Narrowing her eyes, Joey lifted her head to watch her walk into her office and noticed the generic matted print, a Monet rip-off, hanging on the wall behind Sarahs desk.

The exact spot that used to display Joeys framed diploma from Worthington, a couple of awards and commendations she received from the English department for her work on the universitys literary journal as well as one from the New York chapter of a national book association.

Lowering her eyes, her gaze then drifted slowly over her photos of Emma and Jake.

Joey realized her children had become so much a part of who she was that sometimes they almost seemed to be physical appendages to her body both figuratively and literally. Two additional limbs she acquired along the way, but that still left her feeling as though she needed an extra set of hands.

Motherhood, with all its many rewards, was still in reality a pretty thankless job. Her children showered her with love and affection and devotion, of course, but they were still too young to have any kind of appreciation for what she actually did for them. And they didnt exactly hand out framed certificates of recognition for wiping butts and kissing boos-boos away.

Joey missed being a part of the collaborative creative process, the excitement of seeing a project through from start to finish, the satisfaction of a job well done. It wasnt quite the same when she worked at home; sometimes editing manuscripts in her pajamas dotted with baby food stains, not having showered in over 24 hours.

While her children were everything to her and Joey wouldnt give up one second of one moment she had with them for anything in the world, that didnt necessarily mean she was ready to give up all of herself, either. Just as she was slowly starting to get her body back in the physical sense, there was another part of her that she sometimes wished she could get back, too.

And maybe she hadnt realized how much until now.





Pacey leaned forward on the couch, propping his elbow on his knee to rest his chin in his hand as he gazed down at Emma on the floor in front of him.

She was attempting to tie her sneaker all by herself, having been pretty ornery in refusing all his offers of assistance, and he had to keep rubbing his fingers over his mouth to cover his smile of amusement as he watched her at work, a look of intense and careful concentration on her small, delicate features.

She was being so completely serious, in fact, that he couldnt resist slowly reaching down while her attention was fixed elsewhere to tickle her side.

She almost laughed, but the sound that left her lips was more one of angry protest.

Daddy! Cut it out! Im trying to do something.

What? Pacey shrugged innocently. I didnt do anything, Em.

She only shook her head, blowing some hair out of her eyes with an exasperated exhalation of breath, before she returned to the task of forming the perfect loop.

Dad-dy! She admonished him, squirming away as he snuck in another tickle when she wasnt looking, but this time her voice cracked with a small giggle.

Hey, its important you learn to do this under any conditions, Pacey explained as he let loose with a full assault. You have to learn to stay focused.

Emma gave up, erupting into peals of laughter.

You think Im funny, huh? Pacey joked as he got down on the floor with her, continuing to seek out all her ticklish spots, Funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh?

Stop it, Daddy, she laughed weakly as he finally relented, leaving her a breathless pile on the floor.

Okay, he stood up abruptly, enough of your nonsense. Ive got some work to do.

He started to leave the living room, glancing back over his shoulder. I just have to make some phone calls while Jakes still sleeping, so I need you to play quietly for a little while, okay?

Emma sat up, a small whine edging her voice, But you said we were going to the park.

Yeah, we are, Pacey nodded his head in confirmation as he headed towards the kitchen When Jakes wakes up. Now be good.

Pacey had set up Joeys laptop on the kitchen table, wanting to research the real estate market and draft some kind of investment proposal in case the guys with the property on West 49th wanted to meet again.

Their first meeting might not have gone as well as Pacey was expecting, but he decided he wasnt going to give up hope just yet.

Besides, he didnt exactly have a lot of other options at this point.

He also had to call some contractors regarding their bids on renovation the Icehouse was due for, some necessary updates to the kitchen to keep up to code. He figured he would wait until the summer was over to start the work, since it would necessitate closing the place down for a week or so, but didnt realize at the time it would be his only source of income.

Not that those earnings, where he mostly just broke even after salaries and mortgages and property taxes were paid, were anything to write home about (no pun intended). And, what little profit they did make in summer months from owning a restaurant in small, remote seaside hamlet didnt really make a huge dent in their Manhattan cost of living.

He pulled his chair up to the table to poise his fingers over the keyboard, but his gaze drifted away from the screen to linger on his wedding band, glinting in the afternoon sunshine pouring through the kitchen window.

After Jen died, they were all a little emotionally shell-shocked and over-wrought for a while, shaken by the fragility of life, while at the same time grasping onto it for all they were worth. He and Joey agreed, in all their trademark tentativeness, to take things slowly in order to really be able to make sense of all their jumbled emotions. To figure it all out together as best they could.

She went back to New York, and hed try to go see her as often as possible, staying a few days at a time. As it was summer, shed also try to come home to Capeside at least every other weekend. By the end of August theyd figured things out enough to be able to start making plans to live together, and by Thanksgiving his relocation to New York City was complete.

Still, even then, they were under the agreement it would be best to take things one day at a time.

Which lasted all the way up until Christmas, when his gift to her under the tree was a diamond engagement ring.

They went home to Capeside, and it actually turned what could have been a really depressing holiday - their first in so many years without Jen - into a truly happy, celebratory occasion. Everyone was thrilled for them, and Joey was practically beaming as she showed off her ring.

Of course, in looking back, he supposed that expression on her face could have actually been a glazed-over look of shock and bewilderment.

When they got back to New York after spending the week through New Years with their friends and families, he began to imagine he noticed some subtle changes in her. She seemed a little anxious, maybe even slightly on edge.

To add fuel to the fire of his suspicions, one night over dinner she blurted out that she thought they should wait a while on planning the actual wedding. They were young, just getting their careers on track and there was really no great rush - now that they knew it was going to happen someday.

After that, Pacey slowly started to feel some of those old doubts creeping back in on him, wondering whether or not he had once again moved too fast or pushed too much...

Wondering whether or not she was going to run.

Then one night he came home late from the restaurant, having imbibed a few too many beers with Roscoe after closing, to find her sitting on their bathroom floor, leaning back against the tub, only staring up at him with wide, dark eyes.

And a home pregnancy test in her hand.

Apparently a ring was not all he had given her for Christmas, and there was a wedding in Capeside two months later.

Youd think the fact she was finally his wife, not to mention the mother of his children, would help him to let go of some of those old insecurities.

Guess youd think wrong.

Hed been trying not to let this Eddie thing get to him too much, but he had to admit there had always been the lingering question in his mind as to what wouldve happened if this guy hadnt been such a total and complete idiot to bail on her like that all those years ago.

How this guys foolish actions possibly affected the rest of Paceys life, and - if Eddie had stayed - would she have stayed with him?

It wasnt something Pacey liked to think about, and now he was forced to do so all over again.

He lifted his head with a frown, hearing a loud thumping noise coming from the living room. Pushing his chair back from the table, he walked out to see what was going on.

Emma? He asked, once he located her in midair. How do you figure jumping off the couch is being quiet?

She slumped dejectedly to the floor where some of her toys were scattered.

But Im bored.

Yeah, I know. And Im sorry about that, but the sooner youre quiet, the sooner Ill get this stuff done. Okay?

Okay.

Pacey sighed, running his hand over his hair as he turned back to the kitchen. He actually did feel bad, remembering what it was like to be a kid with energy to expend like that.

Dropping back into his chair, he reached for the cordless phone lying next to the laptop, remembering that the mortgage on the Icehouse was due next week. And, he still had some outstanding bills from the New York restaurant to pay. Auctions of the kitchen equipment took care of a lot of money he owed, but so many of his distributors were floating him once business started to decline that Pacey felt like he was playing a never-ending game of catch up.

He dialed the phone number he had on a scrap of paper, a local contractor in Capeside his brother Doug knew.

He had already discussed the kitchen renovations with this guy once, but had yet to get a straight answer out of him regarding a price.

Once he actually got the guy on the phone, he immediately started to try to talk around the numbers once again, irritating Pacey further, until he threw out an estimated figure of twenty grand, which, coupled with the sounds of Emma doing stage dives off the couch again, only succeeded in sending Paceys blood pressure through the roof.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash from the living room, the sound of glass shattering.

Pacey jumped up to run out there, phone still in hand, to see the living room lamp lying on the floor, its shade askew, but apparently all in one piece, only the light bulb not surviving the fall to the hardwood floor.

Emma was hanging her head with obvious shame and culpability, and then the sounds of Jakes cries started up from down the hall.

Telling the contractor hed have to call him back, Pacey tossed the phone aside angrily to go grab a broom and dustpan.

What did I tell you, Emma?

It was an accident!

Yeah, his voice rose to a shout of frustration, but it wouldnt have happened if you werent jumping off the couch and I already told you once to knock it off!

He knelt down to pick up the glass fragments, glancing over to see her face dissolving into silent tears.

Look, he sighed heavily, moving towards her to comfort her, Cmere-

No! She yelled back defiantly, her damp cheeks flaming. Go away! I dont want you. I want Mommy!

With that, she ran off like a shot down the hall.

Pacey dropped his head, running his hand through his hair and muttering several choice expletives under his breath, but Jakes cries were growing more insistent, so he quickly finished sweeping up the smaller pieces of broken glass, setting the lamp upright, and went to get him from his crib.

He brought him back out to the living room to place him in his ExerSaucer, which was like some sort of space command module with its intricate system of bells and whistles.

Joey was concerned that their baby toys have at least some sort of developmental benefit for their growing brains, and claimed this was excellent practice for his hand-eye coordination.

But, as Pacey watched Jake slamming down buttons and throwing levers with almost ferocious glee from behind the toy control panel, he couldnt help but comment that it didnt appear to be preparing him for a job with NASA so much as it did a career as a tiny cartoon evil genius on his way to world domination.

She wasnt very amused by that. He thinks it went without saying that she was a wee bit apprehensive as to whether or not tendencies towards juvenile delinquency could be genetic.

He sighed again, chewing distractedly on the inside of his lower lip as he glanced back over his shoulder towards the hallway, realizing the chances of Emma making reappearance any time soon - without coercion, that is - were slim to none.

Stubbornness had to most definitely be an inherited trait.

Okay, buddy, he smoothed his hand over Jakes little round melon of a head as he turned to go. Wish me luck.

He knew she wasnt in her own room since hed just come from there, so Pacey went directly to his bedroom, frowning slightly as he stepped through the doorway to glance around and find no sign of her.

Em? He paused to all out softly.

He received no response so he started to leave, glancing over just as he was about to step through the doorway to see that Joeys closet door was ajar, her running sneakers and one leather boot tumbling out onto the floor.

Busted.

He strolled over to the closet door, dropping to sit and lean back against the wall just outside it. Pacey had to admit he was kind of glad to realize it wasnt just Jake who seemed to have the affinity for closets and womens shoes, because there was always the slight concern he might be following in his Uncle Dougies footsteps.

Not that there was anything wrong with that.

He rubbed his hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to figure out how to best handle this, realizing that talking a little girl with hurt feelings out of a hiding spot was about as sensitive a task as talking a jumper off a ledge.

The sad truth of the matter was that he found himself at a loss as to how to deal with Emma a lot more frequently these days. She used to treat him like he hung the moon, a Daddys girl in every way, to the point Joey even started to feel a bit slighted.

Then he started having to spend more and more time away from home, at the restaurant, and she took on role of Mommys helper when Jake came along, and somewhere in there something changed between them and it hadnt been the same since.

Sometimes kids seem to grow at such an incredibly high rate of speed that they dont even have time to look back, and never even realize they might have left you in the dust. But thats a parents job - hope you taught them to wear their seatbelt and drive safely as you wave them on, even though all you want to do is to tell them to slow down.

Or maybe even come back.

He cleared his throat to speak, frowning as he stared down at the floor.

You think you might be coming out of there any time soon?

There was a brief stretch of silence before he heard her muffled, sullen little voice.

No.

Pacey nodded his head slowly as he considered this.

Look, sweetie, he began tentatively, believe me - I wish Mommy could be here, too. He hesitated, choosing his words carefully, But that doesnt mean I wish it was her here with you and Jake instead of me. Sometimes Im gonna have things to do that will keep me busy a little while, and I might need you to be quiet or play by yourself, but that doesnt mean I dont want to spend time hanging out with you. Do you understand that?

He waited briefly, but there was nothing from the closet, so he continued.

See, thats something I need you to understand, because I dont know if you realize how much I count on you, Em, and what a big help you are to me every day. You always know what to do, and Daddy really appreciates that. Today, well, he lowered his voice to admit, Im just having a bad day.

Pacey realized hed been on edge ever since Joey told him about Eddie. But he also realized that someone couldnt come between two people unless they were let in, and he wasnt going to be the one to let his insecurities over an ex-boyfriend find their way into their marriage - or into his home.

Well, Im having a bad day, too. Emma informed him rather haughtily.

Yeah, Pacey sighed softly as he bowed his head. Sorry bout that, kiddo.

She was quiet for a long moment before her heard her voice again, this time gentler and more tentative.

I dont know how to do it.

Do what, sweetie? Pacey frowned curiously as he glanced over towards the closet door.

I dont know how to help do thathelp make bad days better.

The corners of his mouth turned up in a faint smile as his face softened.

Well, yeah, thats a tough one, he agreed. But, you know, Ive found that hugs can sometimes help.

He waited, holding his breath slightly in anticipation, and then he heard the rustling of fabric and shuffling of shoes on the closet floor as Emma slowly made her way out. Once she emerged through the door, she immediately climbed onto him to wrap her little arms around his neck.

Is that better? She whispered expectantly.

Yeah, his grin spread as he closed his eyes, holding her as close as possible for just a moment. Thanks, Em.

He relaxed his embrace, pulling back to gaze down at her face. See? What would I do without you?

Emma gave him a crooked smile as she settled in his lap. Mommy says we all have to stick together because we make a good team.

Yeah, well, he smiled as he pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear. Mommy was always smart like that.





Joey hurried up the front steps of her building, slinging her bag over her shoulder. She had made sure she left at promptly five oclock tonight, even skipping lunch in case anyone tried to question her on the propriety of actually leaving the office on time.

Pushing through the front door of the apartment, she was immediately met by the aroma of cooking spices wafting out from the kitchen, and followed the scents to find everyone in there, Jake in his highchair as Emma sat on a kitchen stool, both of them watching Pacey at the stove.

Hi, Mommy!

Hey, Joey smiled uncertainly as she stepped into the room, only getting a quick glance from Pacey. Whats going on in here?

Daddy is making linguini with shrimp and lobster.

Sounds good. Joey nodded her head absently, still watching him.

Pacey turned away from the stove again, holding her gaze this time as he smiled.

You hungry?

Joeys smile softened, feeling the tension of her day, of this whole week, starting to melt away in the warm blue of his eyes, both of them conveying more than words could have in a simple look, a certain tone of voice.

Yeah, she nodded her head, feeling like something was missing and then found again in that one moment. Im just going to go change.

She had actually come home early with the intention of talking to him, not wanting this situation with Eddie at work to continue to be a lingering problem between them, but it would seem that he was over it now and she was more than happy to put it behind them and leave it there.

Okay, he turned back to his meal preparation, the hint of his smile still lingering as he turned to glance at Emma. You want to set the table for me?

Joey paused in the kitchen doorway to watch them a moment, Pacey carefully handing Emma a few dinner plates from the cabinet, the lights of the city skyline shimmering outside the dark kitchen window behind them, before she continued on to her room.

It sometimes amazed her to consider, as much as they were alike and Emma loved to emulate her, what a drastically different childhood her daughter had compared to hers, growing up here, in the heart of the city.

She remembered all those years ago when Jen had moved to Capeside, and how she had been both intimidated and impressed by the mystique of her New York background. Now this life was the only one her daughter really knew, when it seemed so foreign and magical to Joey growing up.

The differences were never so apparent as when they went home to Capeside during the holidays and in the summertime. Emma would actually be scared to go to sleep, not used to how quiet and dark the night could be so far away from the city lights, the simple sounds of nature outside the black of her window causing her more than some slight apprehension.

For that reason, theyd always get the room at the B&B with the king-sized bed, Jake in Alexanders old crib against the wall and Emma safely squeezed in between them. It never made for very comfortable sleep arrangements, but it was more rest than the house would probably see with her wide awake, crying in abject terror at the sound of a bullfrog.

It sometimes made Joey a little sad, to consider what her children were missing out on. The hours she used to spend playing outside in the fields or on the beach, swimming in the creek, this whole amazing playground that nature supplied right outside her back door.

She and Pacey always agreed they would raise their children there, back in Capeside, but it was yet another one of those things never seemed to work out exactly as they thought it might.

And, still, even though Joey believed that someday theyd find their way back home, she often wondered if the home she and Pacey created between them here in New York was somehow stronger for the fact they always had to rely on only each other.

But, then again, they always made a good team.

Standing in front of her closet, she had just slipped off her blouse when she felt his hand slide around her waist from behind, could feel the heat from his body behind her, his breath tickling the nape of her neck.

Hey.

Hey, she smiled slowly, partially in relief, to lean back against his solid chest, closing her eyes as she rested her hand on top of his, his fingers now splayed across her bare stomach, his thumb gently stroking her rib cage just below the curve of her breast.

Bowing his head, he dropped a tender kiss on her shoulder before brushing his lips over her earlobe, his deep whisper rumbling through her with a small thrilling effect, Did you have a good day?

Mmmits getting there, she sighed softly, her eyes still closed, only focusing on the feel of his touch and the sound of his voice.

Keeping one hand in place on her stomach to hold her close to his body, he lifted the other to the strap of her bra, gently easing it down over her shoulder and following the movement with a trail of soft kisses.

Sliding the hand on her stomach up to cup the full weight of her breast, he rubbed the pad of his thumb over the peaked nub, teasing it to attention through the silky material of her bra, his kisses traveling back up her neck to that extremely sensitive spot just below her ear.

Warmer? He murmured right before he nibbled and sucked on the delicate skin, nearly shattering the nerve endings underneath.

She gasped, reaching up behind her to grip onto his shoulder for support as she responded weakly, Umyeah, you could say that.

He pulled away from her neck with a small grin, gently blowing on the heated spot before placing one last kiss there as he released her.

Oh, now youre definitely getting colder, she smiled over at him as he started to leave the room.

Yeah, well, he chuckled as he paused in the bedroom doorway, right now dinner is the thing in danger of getting cold, so well have to continue this at a later time.

Promise?

To get you hot? He grinned before he disappeared out the door. You have my word.





Joey rushed the kids off to bed nearly as soon as the last dinner plate was placed in the dishwasher, feeling slightly guilty for cutting her time with them so short after working all week, but at the same time anxious to finally be alone with Pacey.

After a few days of strained conversations and barely any contact, she was desperately craving his touch, as evidenced by her near meltdown earlier in their room when he simply came in to say hello. Shed found herself watching his hands across the dinner table, imagining them on her skin, nearly aching inside just to think of how good it would feel.

After Jake was coaxed to sleep, she gave Emma a reading of one her favorite storybooks that would make Evelyn Wood proud and hurried back down the hall to their bedroom, only to find Pacey was still in the kitchen, wrapped up in the telephone call he received before she left.

She paused a moment at their bedroom doorway, tilting her head to listen, not so much to eavesdrop but to try to determine of he sounded like the conversation might be reaching an end. But she could barely even hear his voice, so she crossed the room to climb on top of the covers, picking up the television remote to absently flip through the channels and wonder just what was so important that it would have him on the phone this long.

Finally she heard him coming down the hall, her bright expectant smile fading when he emerged into the room and she saw his face.

What is it? Who was that on the phone?

Ah, it was one of those investor guys I met with the other night, he sighed heavily, pausing in the middle of the room and gazing around with an almost perplexed frown, as if he were somehow lost. They, umthey decided to go another way with that property.

Oh, Joey deflated slightly, aiming the remote at the television to mute the volume, and lowering her voice gently once the room was quiet. Im sorry, Pace.

Yeah, he only nodded his head distractedly.

Well, just because this one didnt work out, that doesnt mean theres not something else out there - another opportunity with your name on it right? She offered tentatively as she studied his face.

Yeah, he only repeated himself, although this time sounding more brisk and dismissive in tone as he cleared his throat, right, I know. He glanced at the television. And, um, I was actually hoping to catch some of the playoff game tonight, so I think I might just head out to the living room. He managed a weak smile in her direction, And I know how you feel about baseball, so Ill just let you watch what you want in here.

He turned to leave the room and Joey only stared after him in mild dismay.

If they were first married, during that time period they were still adjusting and figuring out how it all worked, shed probably just let him go. Shed sit here and worry and analyze, take it personally that he seemed to be shutting her out, and later both of them would most likely lie awake on their separate sides of the bed.

And, as much as Joey realized its sometimes necessary to give your partner his or her own personal space, at the same time she believed you shouldnt let them get so far away that theyre out of your reach. Because if you do that enough, one of those times you might not get them back and not even notice until its too late, or until theyre too far gone.

Hey.

Pacey glanced up in surprise from the couch as she appeared in the living room just a few minutes later.

Hey. His eyes followed her as she dropped down to sit next to him. What are you doing?

Watching the game, she shrugged, easing closer into the spot next to him.

The corner of his mouth tugged up.

You hate baseball.

No, she corrected him, I dont hate it. I simply find it boring. So, I figure it might help me fall asleep.

He made room for her as she snuggled up next to his body, draping his arm over the couch behind her.

I could quote statistics to you, if you want.

Ooh, good, she laughed softly, I can cancel that prescription for Ambien.

He smiled, dropping his hand to her shoulder to squeeze it gently, and she shivered slightly as she moved to get more comfortable.

He tilted his head towards her. You cold?

A little, Joey admitted with a shrug.

He pulled away, leaning over to grab one of the kids fleece throws from where it was folded on the opposite end of the couch. After he handed it to her and she draped it over her legs, he pulled her even closer, into his arms, to press a kiss to her temple, and slid one hand up the back of her t-shirt to gently knead the tight bundle of muscles between her shoulder blades.

She let out a soft murmur of approval, throwing one arm over his waist to smooth her hand up underneath his shirt, seeking out the warmth of his skin. He applied a little more pressure, both firm and tender at the same time, to elicit a low moan from the back of her throat.

By this time, it was as if he instinctively knew how to touch every part of her body. How she loved to be touched.

He paused to lower his head, nuzzling her hair out of the way to kiss her neck and whisper against her skin, Better?

Yeah, she smiled, shifting positions where she was sprawled across his lap so she could gaze up at him.

Were going to be okay, you know.

I know.

He smiled down at her, his eyes drifting over her face as he brushed her hair back off her forehead, and she reached up to grasp the front of his shirt in her hand, pulling him down and lifting her head up until their lips met somewhere in the middle.

Joey wondered in that moment what someone else would see, if they were on the outside looking in at this fleeting glimpse of her life, as framed by the window of her apartment.

On the surface, they would probably just see a romantic moment between a man and a women, a random lovely image, unable to detect the trouble or pain or suffering or sadness that might lurk underneath from just that singular, one-dimensional view.

And never know all that was under the surface, those unknown dark depths their sight could not reach, just made what they saw about a thousand times more beautiful, and infinitely more meaningful.

Chapter Five


~*~


Pacey let out a quiet sigh as he shifted positions, needing to bend his arm at an awkward angle to aim the remote at the television, but keeping the volume as low as possible, careful not to disturb Joey. She was sound asleep, resting half on her pillow and half on him, wedged in snuggly, and he could feel the warm rise and fall of her breathing.

The ends of her hair were still slightly damp and every so often hed catch a whiff of vanilla and cinnamon, the aroma of the bubble bath shed taken earlier with Emma. Although, at this point, he really couldnt tell if it was wafting off her skin or if it had transferred onto his, having spent a better part of the evening rubbing against her in various pleasurable ways.

He bowed his head to brush his lips across her bare shoulder, remembering how - during long shifts at the restaurant - hed suddenly and unexpectedly detect a trace scent of her on him, and it would have a rejuvenating effect. Give him a second wind to propel him through the rest of his night, and finally home to her.

After dinner tonight, hed dropped down onto the couch to watch some ESPN while giving Jake his bottle (as he was now permanently off Joey), while she and Emma had some much-needed mother/daughter bonding time in the tub. He had the foresight to take Emma to the park that afternoon, running her as some might go to there to run their dogs, so she was out like a light almost as soon as Joey got her in her pajamas. And all it took for Jake to be down for the count was a full tummy.

Paceys needs were just as simple (and involved being a little more on Joey).

However, even after hours of uninterrupted time to enjoy getting reacquainted with his wife, here he lay, still wide-awake. He didnt know if it was so many years in the restaurant business that had messed with his internal clock, or if it was the fact that as soon as his head hit the pillow and his eyes closed, some nagging, troublesome part of his brain that dozed during the daylight hours suddenly awoke with a start.

He shifted positions again to get a little more comfortable, sliding his leg along the smoothly toned muscles of hers as he draped his arm around her waist, pulling her in closer, even though their bodies were already practically enmeshed, with him nestled firmly against her back.

He loved to feel her body pressed so closely along the length of his. He loved the slope of her back, the hollow of her throat, the soft round underside of her breasts, the tight curve of her ass. Her height made everything about her seem sleek and willowy at first glance, but she had the most tantalizing curves, which he sought out eagerly with his hands, his mouth, traced them with his tongue. She was still a goddess and, even after all these years and two kids, he still sometimes felt a little like getting down on his knees and thanking her.

But he supposed there was nothing wrong with a man worshipping his wife.

Pacey, of course, had known lust with other women. Plenty of other women, as a matter of fact. But the difference seemed to be that in nearly every one of those other situations (because, lets face it, the term relationship might be a bit of an overstatement in some cases), the lust had been a primary driving force.

His lust for Joey, however, was actually somewhat nonessential in a way - as strange and as contradictory as that might sound. He had a passion for her, and a love that almost made lust irrelevant, if that made any sense. (And it wasnt in the we have an unearthly, transcendental bond kind of way, either. Jeebus, noanything but that.)

Yet, whether or not it was a prerequisite, the lust was still was there, as vibrant and as all-consuming and as beyond his control as ever, showing no signs of abating and even seeming to build to higher and more satisfying levels as time went on.

And, while he knew (and feared) how her feminist sensibilities would react to such a reveal of the typical male mind, he had to admit that there was some instinctual, primal, territorial dark force at work when he was finally inside her. Her whole body tight and trembling with need and want around him for him - as he drove himself deep, penetrating her perfect heat. His lover, his heart, his soul, his conscience, his wife

It was like claiming her as his, all over again.

But, at the same time, it was about giving himself to her completely.

The consummation of their fears, the consummation of their hopes, the consummation of their desiresthere was a little bit of all that in there.

Because the consummation of a marriage isnt simply a one-time physical act, but an everyday act of faith.

Sex with Joey, however, had never been just about sex. Never. Not once. He could honestly say that the first time they ever had sex, all the way back in high school, in his mind he was making love to the women he would someday marry.

Of course, Pacey was well aware that wasnt so much destiny as it was the tortured romantic imagination of a lovesick teenage boy at work, and it was probably something closer to pure dumb luck that actually got him here, to the point where he was, in fact, her husband.

But, then again, it was sort of shamefully yet immensely self-gratifying to consider the fact he had been her first, and that his wife kept no sentimental, romantic memories of the boy to whom she lost her virginity tucked away in a drawer marked private and confidential. Because that boy just so happened to be him.

And as far as all those other boys who came in between went? Well, Pacey had been somewhat successful thus far in employing the dont ask, dont tell policy. Other relationships they had in those intervening years were discussed, some at length, and support and encouragement were even offered to varying degrees of appropriateness. Sex, as a conversational subject (a subject that did not directly involve him and her, and only him and her) simply exceeded those parameters.

As well as Paceys threshold for pain.

So, to sum up, the way Pacey saw it, there was the time frame he and Joey were together in high school, then there was a lot of hands covering ears while chanting la-la-la-cant hear-you and then there was now, present day, where she was his wife. It was very simple, really.

Marriage had obviously had a maturing effect on him.

He clicked off the television, throwing the room into momentary pitch black, and had to briefly shift away from her to reach over, stretching his arm as far as he could to place the remote on the nightstand.

Coming back to settle in even closer, he tugged the covers up around their bodies as he found that perfect spot for his head on the pillow, and then had to adjust positions to find that perfect spot for her in his arms as she sighed and rolled in her slumber, turning to crush her round breasts against him, flinging a leg over his.

As his eyes gradually adjusted to the darkness, like artificial stars appearing one by one in the night sky, the lights from the city outside their window began to cast a faint illumination over the room, giving familiar shape to all the shadows.

His slipped his hand under the sheets and over her warm, silky skin, splaying his fingers across her ribcage as he rubbed the pad of his thumb back and forth in a soft caress, a touch that was gentle enough not to wake her. Finally closing his eyes, he pressed just the whisper of a kiss to her forehead, sliding his hand around to rest it on the small of her back with a tired sigh.

He had wanted to talk more tonight, to sort out the events of the week, to tell her more than he could with just his body, but she had drifted off to sleep almost immediately, no doubt worn out from her day (although Pacey liked to think he still had the ability to wear her out a little, too). In fact, she was still completely naked (as was he), something that usually didnt happen these days. Not with children right down the hall who still woke up needing Mommy or Daddy in the middle of the night with some regularity.

He remembered hed tried to get her to go without during those first few months they lived together, instituting a strict no-sleepwear rule, not really seeing the point, but his attempts at a pajama-free republic were short-lived at best.

Pacey actually found himself thinking about those days a lot lately, that time period following his move here to New York.

It was a pretty exciting time in his life, full of all kinds of new opportunities, hope and possibility. The restaurant was starting to take off, and people were predicting great things. He was the proverbial small town boy making it big in the city. His future seemed to be dazzlingly bright, especially when he was experiencing the kind of freedom that comes with extricating yourself from the suffocating holds of the past.

It was an intoxicating feeling. A powerful feeling. It seemed hed finally arrived at the man he always wanted to be. He told Joey once that his feelings for her were stronger and wiser and more persistent and more resilient than anything else about him. And it suddenly felt a little bit like all that had actually paid off.

But now it was starting to seem like hed maybe only been slightly loosening the pasts hold over him. Or, maybe it had only released him temporarily, simply to get a better grip.

He really didnt want to be that guy again. He was too old to go back down that road. But knowing that Joey was currently the main provider in this household, and for their children, and that he was currently nothing more than dead weight, stuck him like a thorn in a lions paw.

He kept remembering his fathers words to him last Christmas, when they were home in Capeside for the holidays. It was right before they were all about to sit down for dinner, and the house was crazy with people and activity. Joey was helping set Emma and Amy up with their plates at the kids table, almost nine months pregnant at the time.

Theyd decided to spill the beans to everyone that day that they were having a baby boy, so his father pulled him aside in the dining room, joking in his typical way (and with a certain amount of grandfatherly conceit to know the Witter name would be carried on) that it takes a man to make a man. Pacey humored him with a chuckle, thinking that was all he wanted to say as he began to walk away, but then his father suddenly grew serious, placing his hand on his shoulder to keep him there.

And youre a man now, John Witters voice wavered with gruff emotion, and have the responsibilities of a man, and as a husband and father. Above all else, always make your family proud.

Youd think, given their dysfunctional history, those words from his father wouldnt have had the kind of impact they did on Pacey.

He, of anyone, knew how hard and for how long - Joey worked to get where she was, and he was incredibly proud of her. He honestly had the utmost respect for her career ambitions. The problem wasnt that he held onto some outdated belief system and secretly harbored some barefoot-and-pregnant-in-the-kitchen mentality. (Because, truth be told, he actually preferred her to maintain a safe distance away from his kitchen).

Tilting his head, he blinked open his eyes to gaze down at her face, seeing it as well as he did with his eyes closed. Her skin was awash in the pale blue light, highlighting the familiar slope of her small nose, her dark lashes resting against round cheeks like spread wings, her lips parted in slumber.

He supposed it could be considered a pretty intimate act - maybe even more so than sex - to be comfortable enough to drift off to sleep, naked, in someone elses arms, totally exposed and totally vulnerable. There was a time in his life when he wished for nothing more than for her to have that kind of faith in him - in them. Seeing her through two labor and deliveries had probably also heightened and deepened that sense of trust and intimacy between them (although granted it was sometimes in unnervingly graphic ways).

And hed experienced plenty of similar moments of vulnerability with her. Times she had to care for him when he was sick and incapacitated with the flu, for instance. Or the time two years ago when a simple surgical procedure for his mother turned into serious life-threatening complications, to the point Doug called to tell them to come home because it didnt look good (although she ultimately made a full recovery).

Pacey had allowed himself to lean on Joey, to rely on her strength, in those moments. He looked to her for that support.

So, he didnt know why he found it so difficult now, in this situation. She was his partner in every sense of the word, and he had been feeling guilty about his childish and selfish behavior, the way he had treated her this week.

But, due to his lingering anxiety over his career status, he was honestly feeling more and more on edge with every passing day. So much so that hed started to become afraid. Afraid he was never going to be able to pull himself out of this hole. Afraid if he did lean on her too much, shed secretly perceive him as being weak. Which fed into his other fear that - if they got into a big fight right now - he might react too defensively, or lash out at her too harshly.

It pained Pacey greatly to have to acknowledge he had some of his fathers obstinacy and temper in him, especially when it was so very important to him to create a better home environment for his children than the one which he had known. Walking away this week had seemed the better option at the time, but it had still killed him to do so.

He also had to admit this ongoing situation at work with her ex-boyfriend hovering about wasnt helping matters, and that was the exposed nerve she hit when she made those insinuations about there being another woman.

Although picturing Eddie hovering once again gave Pacey a visual of an insect.

Do ticks fly? No, he guessed not. Then something like a gnat, perhaps.

Yeah, that helped a little.

But, deep down, he knew this issue with Joey wasnt the problem.

As per usual, he was once again his problem.


~*~


Pacey snuck a quick look at the clock as he wiped his hands on a dish towel, mentally calculating the approximate time left in each of the dishes he was preparing, and then reached into the cabinet to pull out his favorite saut pan.

There was a light drizzle of rain tonight, creating shimmering blurred effects on the kitchen windowpanes between the lights of the city skyline outside and the flickering of the candles Joey had lit all around the dining room and kitchen inside, scents of lemongrass and pomegranate infusing with the aroma of spices rising up from the stovetop.

Want to try this merlot, Pacey?

He was stirring a little more olive oil into his sauce and glanced over to see Leiana walk in from the living room, a glass of red wine in each hand.

Sure, he replied agreeably, his smile spreading to an amused grin as he took the wine from her and watched as she peeked back over her shoulder towards the living room.

Okay, she turned back to him, lowering her voice to a confidential, business-like whisper, So, you heat the oil and butter first, and then add the salt, pepper and basil?

He shook his head as he swallowed some wine, placing the glass down on the counter.

Youre forgetting the flour. The quarter cup of flour goes in then, too.

Oh, damn, she grimaced, clenching her fist in a gesture of defeat, I always do that.

Pacey chuckled a little as he turned away to the stove to continue stirring.

Leiana was Roscoes fiance and hed been giving her some covert cooking lessons for the past few months, either through e-mail or over the phone, or in situations like this, where he was making dinner and shed sneak into the kitchen under false pretenses for some secret tips.

He supposed all the subterfuge didnt seem necessary, but it was going to be her wedding present to Roscoe to surprise him with all his favorite dishes, when he was under the assumption she didnt know how to cook.

Okay, now what are you doing? She leaned forward to peer into the saut pan, looking fretful as she clutched her wine glass in both hands, her tentativeness and fear so apparent that Pacey had to bite back a laugh as he explained the recipe yet again.

Leiana was almost startlingly beautiful, turning heads nearly everywhere she went. Her mother was Filipino and her father had originally been from somewhere near Brazil, giving her a stunning combination of honey-colored skin, silky dark hair and sparkling, almond-shaped eyes.

Of course, in Paceys humble opinion, she wasnt quite as beautiful as his wife but, regardless, his pal Roscoe hadnt done so bad for himself. And tonight was actually the long-overdue celebration of their engagement, the dinner he and Joey had promised them months ago, when he first gave her the ring.

Although very few people were aware of this fact, his real name was actually Kenny, with Roscoe being his last name. But, while its a common enough habit for most guys to refer to each other only by surnames, in Roscoes case somewhere along the way the Kenny seemed to have been dropped and forgotten altogether. In fact, he told Pacey once that a great majority of his friends in college probably had no clue that even was his real name.

Yet, somehow, with a build like a Patriots linebacker and his infectious booming belly laugh, Roscoe just seemed to fit better. Even Leiana admitted she couldnt imagine calling him anything else.

Roscoe and Pacey had become fast friends, hitting it off almost the moment he first walked through the doors of the restaurant to apply for a bartenders position nearly three years ago. He was sharp-witted and had an extremely engaging and entertaining personality, a part-time NYU grad student and sometimes actor. The only problem theyd ever encountered in their friendship in these past few years, in fact, was that they had a tendency to try to steal the others limelight. But, in constantly jockeying for positions as the funny man and center of attention, over time it had turned them into quite the comedy team.

So, I hear you guys are headed to Chicago for Thanksgiving, huh? Pacey smiled over at her expectantly.

Like Pacey, Roscoe was only a transplant to this city. Leiana, however, had been born and raised here, in the heart of Manhattan, and was probably the most New York person Pacey knew, in all her cosmopolitan and cultured ways.

They would be going back to Roscoes hometown for Thanksgiving weekend, and since theyd been together less than a year it would actually be the first time shed be meeting his parents, as his wife-to-be.

Since Pacey knew how much she loved Roscoe, and that she was obviously thrilled to be getting married, he was surprised to notice a shadow of doubt suddenly darken her face.

What? He frowned in mild concern. Whats the matter?

Im a little nervous about this trip, to tell you the truth, she admitted, pursing her lips to take a delicate sip of wine.

Why?

His parents, she offered in vague explanation, Im sort of afraid as to what their reaction might beto me.

Pacey almost let out a laugh of disbelief, because there wasnt anything not to like about Leiana, but he didnt want to sound insensitive when she appeared to be so worried, so he tried to play along.

Well, um, he furrowed his brow in confusion, trying to consider the possibilities, Is it because youre not black? Because I dont think they-

Oh, no. No, its not anything like that, she quickly cut in, shaking her head. And I know that wouldnt even be an issue with them. Its not a race thingits more a divorced thing.

Now Pacey was even more lost.

She smiled almost sadly. And, I take it from that expression on your face, you didnt know I was married before - did you?

Pacey shook his head, Um, noI guess I didnt.

It was only for a very short time and it was years ago. He was my boyfriend throughout most of college. His name was Jonathan, she explained quietly. And I dont even know that marriage was in my plans, at that age, but then, just a month before my college graduation, my dad had his heart attack.

Pacey sighed in sympathy, bowing his head a little, because it was a subject with which he had some familiarity.

So, you know, she sighed as well, and the corners of her eyes shone a little more brightly, after he passed away, I was really in a bad place. College had always been his dream for me, because - while he was so successful in his business ventures - he never went, and valued a good education above all else. The fact he never got to see me graduate, a day hed been looking forward to for so long, was incredibly hard to deal with. In fact, I was pretty much a wreck. I didnt think I would ever get over it. Ever be happy again. See, I was very close to my father.

And, so, she continued as she glanced away, a few months later, my mother and cousins somehow got it into their heads that we needed to bring some happiness and hope back into our family. They thought a wedding would be the perfect antidote to all the sadness and loss wed experienced, and that it would help me to get out of that dark place Id sunk into. They convinced Jonathan it would be what I wanted, and that it would make me happy again. Give me a purpose. Leiana almost laughed. And I went along with it all simply because I was too numb to protest. Jonathan actually wanted to get married to mepoor guy.

Pacey felt an immediate, unexpected and oddly unsettling wash of sympathy for this person he never even met.

See, it was a mistake before it ever happened, she shrugged her shoulder as she met his eyes. Im not sure anyone should make a major life decision like that based upon the fact theyre grieving over a loss and feeling lost themselves. How can you now its what you truly want, in your heart, under those kind of circumstances?

Pacey only stared at her a moment, his mouth falling partially open as he tried to think of a response, which for some reason actually felt like he was trying to come up with a defense, all the while trying to ignore the sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach.

The difference was obvious with Roscoe, Leiana instantly brightened, I knew the moment we met he was the one. She took another sip of wine, moving over to lean against the counter. So, on a happier note, tell mehow did you know Joey was the one?

As if on cue, she appeared in the kitchen at that moment, wielding a glass of wine in her own hand, her head tilted back in bubbly laughter at something Roscoe was saying as he trailed behind her.

She immediately came over to him, lifting up on her toes to plant a kiss on the tip of his nose as he wrapped his arms around her.

I just went down the hall to check on them, she informed him as she turned in his arms, settling into his embrace to lean back against his chest, Jakes almost asleep and Kelsey was just finishing up a story with Emma.

Pacey nodded his head in acknowledgement, as theyd asked Kelsey to come over, not to exactly babysit (although her usual fee was involved, plus expenses in the form of a pizza from Montes), but keep the kids entertained until bedtime while they tried to do the same with their guests.

So, I gotta tell you, man, Roscoe was shaking his head with feigned disappointment as he gestured with the wine glass in his hand, You keep saying this is a dinner to celebrate our engagement, so would it kill you to maybe give us a little toast here? I mean, geesh

Leiana laughed with Joey even as she chided him softly, both of them used to the back and forth by now.

Oh, so Im in here all night slaving over a hot stove for you and thats not enough - huh, ingrate? Pacey chuckled, but slipped one arm away from Joey to reach for his glass of wine on the counter.

All right, he cleared his throat with a small grin, lifting his wine as he directed his attention towards Roscoe, this ones for you, buddy.

Raising his voice, his words took on a lyrical tone.

To keep a marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, when you are wrong - admit it. And when you are right - just shut the fuck up.

Joey only tilted her head up towards him, arching one eyebrow with a warning smirk as the others laughed.

Okay, okay Pacey chuckled apologetically, squeezing her gently where one hand was resting on her waist as he tried again.

To Roscoe and Leiana, on your engagement, he began again, settling comfortably into speech mode, You know, no matter when it actually happenswhen youre twenty-six, or when youre sixteen, he met Leianas eyes with a shared smile of understanding, its a pretty amazing thing to find that one person for you. But, speaking as someone whos been there, done that - it does have its downsides.

He touched on hand to his chest with a pause borne of comic timing.

Because, the thing is, when you find the person who you want to spend forever with? Now his words softened with sincerity. Well, forever doesnt seem long enough.

He grinned and lifted his wineglass up high, Congratulation, guys.

Joey softly echoed the sentiment and they all clinked glasses together before Roscoe moved over to pat him on the back with a grin.

Thanks, man.

Hey, dont mention it, Pacey chuckled, Im saving the one where I slander your character for the actual wedding day.

Roscoe laughed as well, moving over to where Leiana was sampling some of the appetizers on the kitchen table as Pacey returned to the stove.

Joey was reaching up into the cabinet to pull down stack of dinner plates, sage green stoneware a few shades darker than the color of the kitchen walls, and smiled over at him, keeping her voice at confidential level.

That was very nice.

Hey, what can I say? He grinned and shrugged as he resumed stirring. Theres an inherent wisdom in being an old married man. But if I only knew then what I know now He let his voice trail off as he shook his head playfully.

Then what? She arched an eyebrow expectantly.

He turned to meet her eyes, holding her gaze.

Then Id do it all over again, he replied softly, but seriously. In a heartbeat.

A slow smile lit up her cheeks and she leaned over for a quick kiss before turning away to go set the dining room table.

Leaving him to figure that, while she didnt exactly reciprocate the sentiment, at least she didnt disagree.


~*~


Joey quickly surveyed the living room as she headed towards the kitchen, making sure shed blown out all the candles and picked up all the glasses, padding across the hardwood floors in grateful bare feet, having finally ditched the fashionable pointy-toed leather boots.

She sort of lost count as to exactly how many glasses of wine she had tonight, but was definitely feeling good, the relaxing warmth of the pleasant buzz spreading through her whole body to faintly flush her cheeks with color.

It had been a while since theyd done anything social - probably not since the restaurant closed. And Roscoe and Leiana were a lot of fun, easy-going and down to earth while at the same time full of interesting conversation, always up on the latest Broadway show or play or gallery opening.

It just put her in a good mood to be around them. Especially since watching two people who were obviously meant to be together find their way there gave her a very sentimental feeling in regards to her own similar journey.

She stepped through the arched kitchen doorway, smiling as her eyes fell on Pacey standing by the sink.

Hey.

She placed the wineglasses shed been carrying down on the countertop next to him.

Hey, he threw her a smile, busy rinsing off silverware to place into the dishwasher.

Moving over to stand behind him, she slipped her arms around his waist, resting her cheek on his back with a slow smile, breathing in the scent of his cologne mixed with all that was uniquely him. The aroma settled into a heated pool deep in the pit of her stomach.

She felt the soft rumble of his quiet chuckle under her hands where they were resting on his stomach.

Liked that wine Leiana brought, did you?

Choosing to ignore the slight insinuations as to the current state of her inebriation, she replied matter-of-factly, Yes, thank you. I did. Very much.

Grasping the cotton fabric of his oxford shirt in her clenched hands, she tugged gently until she had pulled it out from where it was tucked into his trousers, sighing as her hands stole underneath the material to seek out his warm skin.

Pacey murmured some approval, even as he continued to busy himself with loading the dishwasher.

She massaged her hands over the ripple of his stomach, grazing her palms over his firmly packed chest before sliding around to the muscles of his broad back, just enjoying the feel of him.

Ahhscratch my shoulder? His voice was deeper, softer, and she readily obliged, trying to determine the exact spot under his directions. No, left onelittle loweroh, yeah, right there.

He stiffened, letting out a low growling sound, pausing as he hunched forward a little.

Good? Joey smiled in amusement as she dragged her fingernails back and forth over his skin.

Mm-hmm, he relaxed with a sigh.

She slid her hands around to his chest again, finding the hard bumps of his nipples and teasing them gently as she lowered her voice with promise.

You know what I think?

Whats that? He finally turned off the water.

I think we should leave the rest of this for the morning, as she spoke, she slowly let her hands drift lower until shed reached the waistband of his khakis, and then smoothed one hand over the bulge of his crotch, and that you should take your wife to bed.

Like she found some kind of electrical switch inside him, he turned around to face her with instant lust in his eyes.

Oh, yeah? He whispered as he lowered his lips to hers, his hands moving to her waist.

Mm-hmm, she murmured into the kiss, moaning softly into his mouth as she tilted her head back, his tongue sliding against hers in a delicious rhythm.

He deepened the kiss even more, hungrily exploring every inch of her mouth as his hands slid around to her ass, cupping it gently as he massaged the firm flesh through her skirt and began to guide her backwards with his body.

She felt like she was falling freely through air, the alcohol combined with the languid effects of desire coursing through her veins, loosening her joints, melting her muscles.

Suddenly, he broke away from her mouth, his large hands firmly gripping her waist to hike her up onto the kitchen counter.

Or how about I take you right here?

That could work, she sighed, dazed and breathless as she draped her arms around his strong shoulders and he caught her up in another passionate kiss. One she met with some fervor of her own, sucking eagerly on his tongue.

She arched her neck back with another quiet moan as he then dragged his warm, wet lips from her mouth all the way down her neck, his tongue sending her senses into overload, her pulse points throbbing with the thrill of anticipation.

She dug her fingernails into his back, through the cotton fabric of his shirt, as she threw her hips forward, desperate for contact.

Shhh he whispered soothingly in her ear, rewarding her compliance by sliding his hands under her skirt, inside her slender thighs, finding the damp crotch of her silk panties to press the pad of his thumb against the tight bundle of nerve endings at her core.

She could only whimper in response, her entire body rocking from that single touch.

He pulled back to meet her eyes with a sexy grin, and she held his gaze as she lifted her hips off the counter, assisting him as he slowly slid her panties off her hips, dragging them purposefully down her long legs.

Had she not been so overcome with need, she would have laughed as he then safely pocketed the scrap of silky lingerie in his trousers, remembering how Emma once told a roomful of people that, whenever Mommy loses her underwear Daddy always knows just where to look for them.

She moved forward like some kinds of predatory animal, reaching for his belt, but Pacey lightly grasped her wrists to stop her.

Staring at him questioningly as he then lifted her hands to his lips to kiss and release, she almost let out a groan as he moved away to reach for the melted dark chocolate hed used to drizzle over the raspberry torte.

Did you try some of my dessert tonight, Jo?

He came back to place the container right next to her on the counter, moving his hands to her bare knees where her skirt was bunched up, and she bit her lower lips as she stared down at it.

Her thick voice didnt even sound like her as she replied, Yeah.

Well, thats good to know, he bent down to kiss her knee, smoothing his hand up underneath her thigh, Because, see, I myself decided to wait.

Is that right? She tried to play along, but her shaky voice betrayed her and she let out a soft, almost nervous laugh of anticipation.

Yep, he sighed, edging her knees apart as he slid his body in between, and now Im kinda hungry.

She narrowed her eyes in playful warning, but he reached for the chocolate sauce all the same, using the small white spatula resting inside the container to smear a gob of the sticky confection along her inner thigh, like a brushstroke of brown paint.

Pacey she laughed again in weak protest.

But he only grinned, crouching down to follow the path of chocolate with his tongue, lapping at her skin until hed licked her clean, finishing with a small, teasing bite that sent a jolt through her.

Not bad, he murmured appreciatively, touching the tip of his tongue to his thumb before reaching for the container again.

This time he lifted his hot blue eyes to hold her gaze, swiping the spatula covered in chocolate right between her legs, even that brief contact sending her up off the counter with a gasp, her fist coming down hard on the granite surface.

He tossed the spatula into the sink with a quiet clatter, instantly dropping to his knees on the floor in front of her.

Joey reached for him, grasping onto a fistful of his short hair for leverage she slid and he dragged her forward to the edge, moaning before she even felt him.

But then his tongue was on her, over her, sliding inside her, seeming to be everywhere at once; his slow, soft, insistent strokes coaxing her toward ecstasy and beyond. She was so wet, so ready, so far gone, the tender flesh too sensitized with need, that she came almost immediately, her body jerking with the force of her orgasm so that her head slammed back against the kitchen cabinet.

Ow, she frowned with a pout, even as the aftershocks trembled down her legs, and lifted one hand to rub at the back of her head.

Pacey moved to stand, reaching for a dishtowel to wipe his mouth, which muffled his sympathetic chortle of laughter as he winced, You okay?

Yeah, she sighed, sliding off the counter, her insides liquid, her legs rubber. She reached for his hand to head towards their bedroom. Come

But he resisted lightly, squeezing her hand to halt her as he stayed put.

Hey, um, wait uphold on a minute.

She turned to give him a quizzical look, as she figured it was understood theyd already pushed their luck in here, with the kids right down the hall.

Pacey sighed, dropping his head a little. I kinda need to talk to you about something.

What? She frowned in confusion, her voice rising softly with some incredulity. Now?

Yeah, unfortunately. He dropped her hand to rake his fingers through his hair, still mussed from hers. Um, see, Roscoe told me theres an available shift where he works, tending bar. He could get me in, if I wanted it. But I have to let him know by tomorrow because otherwise theyre going to start interviewing on Monday.

Bartending? Joey repeated, now even more confused.

Its good money, Pacey shrugged, not exactly meeting her eyes, And its nights or weekends only, so you know, theyd be no conflict with your scheduleor with the kids.

Joeys brain, steeped in wine and fogged with residual heat and desire, finally cleared enough to respond coherently.

But what about with our schedule? She began to gesture with her hands. Me and you?

She shook her head in dismay, thinking about the stretches of lonely nights that would entail, and pushed her hair back off her forehead.

God, Paceywed never see each other. Are you really going to do this?

I told him I had to talk to you, Pacey shrugged again, but she did not miss the line of his jaw setting firmly in place, the way it did when he was angry or frustrated, But, yeah, I kind of think I should. At least for now - temporarily. I cant-I cant just sit around and do nothing, you know? I have to start making some money. And then maybe, when I get the renovations done, I can think about refinancing on the Icehouse mortgage to get a new restaurant off the ground. I have to put money into the place before I can get any out, you know? Thats just the way it works. He threw his hands up, his furrowed brow deepening into a scowl, But if youre really that opposed to it

His words trailed off as he dropped his head again, and his voice was softer, more resigned, when he spoke again.

Well, Im leaving it up to you. Thats-thats all.

Joey sighed heavily, folding her arms across her chest, upset hed put her in this kind of position, the cold weight of the decision on her shoulders having an abruptly sobering effect.

Why couldnt they have just one night without having to think about all this? She hated to have to acknowledge their lives were so governed by finances all the time. After all, money cant buy happiness, right?

Yeah, since poverty was always such a cheerful option.

Joey was aware that the Icehouse needed work, and they had no way to pay for that right now. She was also aware it had the potential to be a financial drain rather than an asset in the winter months, but that had never been an issue before because they had the New York restaurant.

So, before she even thought about it, she blurted out the words.

Well, why dont you just think about closing down the Icehouse in the off-season? Plenty of restaurants on the Cape do that.

Pacey only stared back at her, looking a little bit like shed just slapped him across the face, his voice registering disbelief.

JoI employ over twenty people at that restaurant.

Joey lowered her eyes to the kitchen floor, the rush of her blood flow from her earlier orgasm began to subside, leaving her only with a painful empty throbbing at her temples (and perhaps a mild concussion).

Okay, she finally mumbled miserably, if you really think its necessary. Take the bartender job.

He sighed as well, and was quiet for a long moment, but as she lifted her hand to rub her eye, his voice softened with faint concern.

You feel okay?

Maybe that wine didnt agree with me after all, she admitted, touching her hand to her forehead, I think Im starting to get a headache.

He reached for her, pulling her gently into his arms, and brought his hands to the sides of her head, massaging her temples with the pads of his thumbs.

Maybe you should just go to bed, he suggested softly, tracing circles, Take an aspirin maybe?

Yeah, Im going to do that, she mumbled, almost hypnotized by how incredibly soothing his touch felt, but at the same time irrationally angry. Not at him, just the situation.

She placed her hands on his chest to push away, not wanting him to make her feel good right now, and walked away to the bathroom without another word.

When she crawled into bed, her face freshly washed and in her pajamas, she curled up into a ball in the dark, waiting for the aspirin to kick in as she listened to the quiet noises of him cleaning up in the kitchen, cabinets opening and closing, the dull click of the dishwasher door, followed by its low muffled swoosh as it began a wash cycle.

She felt the bathroom light spill into the room and across her eyelids, and then it was dark again as he walked in to get undressed.

The covers rustled, the mattress sinking slightly with his weight as he got in on his side of the bed.

Any better? He whispered gently, and she felt his hand on her hip.

Mmm, she only murmured noncommittally.

He lingered a moment, as if waiting, but then his hand was gone, and there were the sounds of movement behind her as he shifted away.

After a few moments, Joey blinked her eyes open, staring blankly across the darkened room through blurry eyes.

Then she rolled over, snuggling up close against his solid back, curving her body along his as she rested her cheek against him and slid her hand around his waist.

Pacey took her hand without a word, without hesitation, lacing his fingers through hers, and they lay like that until they both finally drifted off to sleep.


~*~


Pacey emerged from the kitchen, quickly checking on Emma and Jake where they were planted in front of Sesame Street on the television, still in their pajamas, before he headed down the hall towards the bathroom, just needing to take a quick leak before he got their breakfast ready.

He swung the door only partially shut behind him and had only taken two steps towards the toilet before it swung back open and Joey rushed in wearing her bathrobe, her hair still damp from the shower.

Oh, she stopped short, her dark eyes flashing with some caution, I didnt know you were in here.

Ill just be a second, he assured her.

She turned around to leave with an abrupt nod of acknowledgement, those twelve seconds pretty much representative of all their conversations lately.

She had only take a step, however, when Emma appeared in the doorway, both arms wrapped tight around Jakes torso, his chubby legs swinging back and forth as he beamed at them with his toothless grin, obviously pleased with this new perspective.

Look, Mommy, Emmas little voice was strained with exertion, I can lift Jake all by myself.

Thats good, honey, Joey assured her in an even voice, but I dont want you carrying him from room to room, okay?

Okay, Emma let him slide from her grip slowly until he was sitting on the floor at her feet, and then he crawled over towards the tub, where a rubber duck was sitting on the ledge.

Are you doing make-up now? Emma came into the bathroom as well, gazing up at Joey in hopeful excitement. Can I do some with you?

Not today. Mommy is in kind of a rush.

Eww Emma then pointed towards the tub, where Jake had bypassed the duck in favor of a bar of Dove. Hes eating soap.

Oh, Jake, Joey sighed, moving over to pick him up.

Pacey only stood there during all of this, his hands on his hips as he furrowed his brow.

Hey, um, guys? He finally spoke up in a tight voice. Can Daddy use the bathroom now, please?

Just go, why dont you? Joey glanced back at him in mild aggravation, busy trying to clean Jakes tongue off with a baby wipe.

He sighed, running his hand through his still bed-mussed hair. It doesnt work with an audience.

Joey sighed as well and began to usher them out. Okay, cmon...lets go.

Pacey finally got the privacy to pee (which you wouldnt think would be a lot to ask in your own home), and washed up a little before he headed back to the kitchen to finish getting their breakfasts and packing Emma a snack for school.

Hed worked tending bar the night before, not getting home until well after two oclock in the morning, and was functioning on less than four hours of sleep right now. Operating simply on autopilot, he hurried around the kitchen, trying not to think about the fact he was solely responsible for the kids care and entertainment for the next twelve hours.

He got them into the kitchen to eat before rushing down the hall to grab some clothes from Emmas closet, figuring Jake could just take the stroller ride to school in his zip-up fleece pajamas and a coat.

He arrived back in the kitchen to see Joey hurriedly kissing both kids goodbye before she pulled on her long coat.

So, she met his eyes uncertainly, Ill see you tonight?

He nodded his head, realizing by the time she got home at around six or seven, and if all went well the kids were in bed by eight, that would give them until maybe nine or ten before he probably passed out in front of the television or she fell asleep reading a manuscript. An hour or two at best.

Yeah, he replied, only watching her walk out the door, see you then.


~*~


Joey dropped down into her chair with a sigh, placing her coffee carefully to the side of her computer before she tucked her hair back behind both ears and slid forward to begin pounding away on her keyboard in response to an e-mail.

It was her second cup this morning, and she knew there would undoubtedly be a third. It wasnt so much from lack of sleep, because she didnt make it past eleven most nights now. She was just feeling out of sorts, even a little discouraged lately, and she figured overloading on artificial stimulants might be the way to go.

The telephone on her desk suddenly rang out and her heart unexpectedly jumped at the sound.

Reaching for it, she held her breath, wondering if this time it might be Pacey.

Hello?

Joey?

Yeahhey, Corinne. She let out a silent sigh of defeat, even though she forced her voice to sound as upbeat as possible. Whats up?

Corinne was the editorial assistant working for Joey and a few other editors in her department, which actually meant she was sort of a glorified secretary. She basically handled their correspondence and set up meetings, keeping track of everyones busy schedules.

I just wanted to confirm that one oclock lunch meeting you have with Eddie Doling tomorrow at Intermezzo.

Joeys face fell in confusion.

My-my what? A lunch meeting?

Umyeah, Corinne sounded confused now, too, Thats what I have here. Looks like he called to schedule it sometime last week.

Joey frowned, gripping the phone a little tighter in her hand. Had she talked to him about a lunch meeting? They were due to go over the second round of changes this week, specifically the ones hed made to the third chapter. Did she tell him they could do it over lunch? What was she thinking?

So, umwhat would you like me to do? Corinnes uncertain voice pulled her from her thoughts and Joey realized she had just been sitting there, dumbfounded.

Nothing. Thats fine. I guess I just forgot, Joey replied in a distracted mumble, Thanks.

She hung up the phone, staring at it balefully.

It was pretty ironic that shed been sitting her all morning hoping for a phone call from Pacey - something, anything to take the edge off the slight tension that had developed between them ever since hed started these bartending shifts and they barely got a chance to spend any time together.

Joey couldnt even really put a finger on what the exact source of that tension was. (Well, besides the little, insignificant things like lack of conversation or sex or basic human contact.) So, instead of going home tonight to use their limited time together to address that, she was going to have to place even more strain on their relationship by telling him about this.

And, in the back seat of the cab on the way to the restaurant the next day, Joey had some time to reflect upon his reaction to the news, which basically consisted of a sort of contemptuous snort followed by a wry, weary chuckle and a shake of his head. Well, isnt that special?

She glowered slightly at the sign for the restaurant as the cab pulled up to double-park out front, as if it were somehow the fault of this eating establishment that she had to be here. Why couldnt this place have gone out of business instead of Paceys?

Climbing out of the cab after paying her fare, she pulled the collar of her trench coat closed tight against the brisk fall wind as she hurried up to the entrance, slowing once she reached the lobby inside.

Eddie couldnt have worse timing (but wasnt that always the case?), with Sarah being out for a couple of days on vacation. So, now it would have to be just the two of them, with the added cozy solitude of a restaurant, no less.

The hostess led her over to the table, where Eddie was already sitting with a cup of coffee and the newspaper. He was wearing, oddly enough, an expensive looking sweater and a pair of wire-rimmed eyeglasses that Joey had never seen before. In all her cynicism, she couldnt help but briefly wonder if they were simply for effect, since he looked the very picture of the literary snob. For all his claims to the contrary, it seemed to her Eddie was adjusting just fine to all the hype over his book.

So that there could be no false assumptions this wasnt completely a working lunch, she almost immediately got down to business with him, pulling out her copy of the adjusted manuscript before anyone even came over to take her drink order.

Theyd been discussing the editorial changes for a short while, interrupted only once by the waitress taking their lunch orders, when he suddenly paused to stare at her from across the table.

Can I ask you something without offending you?

Um She tightened her lips to prevent a wary frown. I guess.

Well, its just that Ive been trying to figure out how Sarah seems to have a higher position than you at the publishing house. He sat back in his chair with the sort of lazy slouch that was meant to convey coolness and nonchalance. I mean, dont get me wrong, he shrugged, Shes great and all, but you seem to have a lot more going on for you than she does. A Worthington graduate, youre an excellent editorI just dont really see why youre not running that whole place by now.

I took a few years off, she explained simply, With my kids. I only recently came back full time.

Oh, Eddie sat up straighter, though his voice lowered, Well, then that makes a lot of sense. Thats probably why she acts like that.

Like what?

He met her eyes again, I get this impression she maybe thinks youre a threat. You knowto her job.

Joey only shrugged it off, lifting her water glass to take a sip.

The waitress arrived then with their lunch orders, which Eddie seemed to take as a cue to switch the conversation over to personal matters.

So, I was looking over some rental listings while I was waiting for you, he reached for the folded newspaper hed placed aside when she arrived, holding it up, and Joey briefly scanned the ones hed circled.

Oh, no, you definitely dont want anything like that, she shook her head with a grimace as she pointed out one listing hed marked, before moving onto another, And thats way too high a rent for a studio on that street. You should be able to get at least a one-bedroom for that much.

I forgot you know your way around this city, he nodded his head with a contemplative smile, I tell ya, I could really use your help in checking a few of these places out. You think you could extend your editor duties and maybe come with me sometime this week?

Oh, I- Joeys whole posture stiffened as she shook her head, I dont think that would be such a good idea.

Why not? He urged her. You can say its just another meeting, right? After all, his slow smile spread, I need a good, well-lit space to write effectively.

She only smirked and glanced away. I dont think that would fly.

With your office? He arched an eyebrow. Or with Pacey?

Joeys eyes shot back to him with a mild scowl, instantly on edge. What?

Eddie sighed as he gazed down at his plate, picking up a fork.

Its just that I have to imagine it must be kind of weird for him. I know it would be strange for me my wife working so closely with an ex.

Joeys immediate reaction was to physically lean back in her chair, placing more distance between them.

Well, he doesnt have that problem, she assured him evenly, truth be damned, Pacey is fine with it.

Really? Eddie arched an eyebrow as he replied through a bite of food, I give him a lot of credit then.

We trust each other implicitly, Joey continued, feeling her cheeks get a little hot.

Eddie only nodded his head, lowering his gaze to his meal as he began to pick through it.

So, how long have you guys been married? He murmured around another mouthful.

Joey was shoving her salad around with her own fork and hesitated, conditioned to never give an exactly accurate response to that question (considering she was pregnant at the time).

Going on five years now.

Wow, Eddie instantly raised his eyebrows in appreciation, So, you decided to start a family right away, huh?

What the hell? Did he have a calendar and calculator hidden under the table or something?

Something like that, she shrugged dismissively.

Its funny, he continued after a moment, because I dont think all that much about marriage, but Id love to have kids. Cant wait to be a father. My hope was to be a younger dad, you know be able to get out there and throw a ball around with them? His laugh drifted off into a sigh. I dont know if thats gonna happen now.

Joey softened a little as she took a small bite of salad, nodding her head in understanding, Pacey felt the same way you know, before we had them.

And you? Eddies gaze narrowed inquisitively.

Me? She smiled uncertainly, caught off guard, as if shed somehow left herself open. I dont know-I mean, I guess Id never put a lot of actual thought into it. It kind of just happened, and thenthen I was a mom.

Are you guys planning on any more?

Her mouth fell open with a small, apprehensive laugh.

Sorry, he grinned sheepishly, too personal a question, huh?

No, its just thatwell, we havent-

Talked about it? He offered.

Joey released a quiet breath to regard him from across the table, puzzled by all the questions.

We havent decided anything, she amended, measuring her words, although he had been much closer to the truth.

The conversation moved back to work as they finished their lunch, and then the waitress appeared, asking if they wanted coffee or dessert.

Just a check, please, Joey smiled up at her, this business meeting now at an end, Thank you.

So, I guess since you just started back full time at work, youre probably more interested in focusing on your career right now, huh? Eddie asked once they were alone again.

Joey only shrugged, glancing after the waitress and hoping she wouldnt be long, not wanting to get back into a discussion of private lives. I guess.

And what is it that Pacey does? Eddie tilted his head. Hes some kind of financial guy, right? Stocks?

No, um, Joey reached up to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, squirming a bit at the question, hes actually in the restaurant business.

Really?

Mm-hmm, she nodded her head, reaching for her briefcase on the floor, poised for escape, Hes a trained chef, and was running a restaurant here in the city that closed recently. But he still owns a small restaurant back in Capeside.

So, he just runs that from New York?

She shook her head, shifting in her seat. He has managers on staff, of course, to handle the day-to-day operations. Hed like to open another restaurant here, but hes sort of, um...just taking some time right now.

Its a tough business to be in, I would imagine, Eddie sympathized, Seems like theres a great restaurant on every corner. Its one of the things I love about New York, personally, but it must be a lot of competition.

Well, hes very good at what he does.

Oh, hed have to be good, Eddie shrugged with a teasing grin, to end up with such an amazing woman.

Joey only smiled awkwardly and turned away, desperately seeking out the waitress as her eyes darted around the room.

Sorry, Eddie drew in a sharp breath, a sound of chagrin, Do I make you uncomfortable by saying things like that?

Not at all, Joey shook her head quickly, too quickly, her gaze averted.

Cause you seem a little tense, he continued.

I assure you, Im not tense, Joey laughed, but sounded a little frantic. Where was the damn waitress?

Lets just change the subject, then, Eddie tossed his napkin onto his empty plate, What are your plans this weekend?

Oh, nothing much, she murmured, her foot beginning to tap impatiently under the table in distraction, Pacey has to work, so

But I thought you said he was taking some time?

Joey paused. Well, he, umhe actually bartends a little, she explained vaguely, At this other place.

Really?

Joey suddenly detected something in his voice she didnt like.

Its only until something else happens for him, she curbed the urge to go on the defensive, I have no doubt hell have another place of his own up and running within a year. In the meantime, he gets the opportunity to spend more time with the kids, since hes there when I go to work.

The waitress finally returned and Joey gave her a credit card, relieved this lunch was almost reaching an end, realizing she didnt appreciate her life being observed from the uncomfortable perspective of an outsider right now. Especially when the outsider was Eddie Doling.

And so what happens when he gets something going again? Eddie persisted. Will you continue to work?

Joey wrinkled her forehead as she slowly turned to stare at him. You know, I have to say I dont recall you being quite so inquisitive. In fact, you were kind of more in the indifferent category, if memory serves.

Now Ive done it, Eddie sat back in his chair with a loud sigh, shaking his head, Ive made you uncomfortable.

No, she had to almost grit her teeth, its just-

Just then the waitress reappeared and Joey instructed her to wait, quickly scribbling out her signature on the check before handing one copy back and holding onto the receipt for her expense account.

All I really wanted to know was if you were happy he began slowly as the waitress departed.

Im very happy, she interjected.

because you seem kind of stressed, he finished.

Im not stressed, she assured him a little too forcefully, before loudly exhaling, but I am, unfortunately, running late.

She slid her chair back to stand, grabbing her briefcase up as she did so. Ill work these additions into that third chapter and well see where were at.

Okay, Eddie made no move to get up, his elbows resting on the table, but his eyes followed her, It was nice talking with you, Joey Potter.

Yeah. She flashed him a quick, tight smile as she hurriedly pulled on her trench coat, reaching back to tug her long strands of hair out of the collar, Okay. See ya.

Slinging the strap of her briefcase over her shoulder, she began to walk away, making it only halfway across the dining room floor of the restaurant before she hesitated, cringing with a slight grimace to realize she completely neglected to correct him on the name.

She briefly considered turning heel and marching right back there to inform him it was Joey Witter, thankyouverymuch, but then realized under the circumstances that would probably only come off more idiotic and embarrassing than missing his gaffe.

So, she hiked the strap of her bag up instead, smoothing down the front of her trench coat and lifting her chin to walk out of the restaurant.


~*~


Joey let out a soft sigh, not quite a yawn, and tugged the covers up higher; her eyes wide open in the darkened room.

Pacey was sleep so soundly next to her she almost felt like poking him to make sure he was still alive. He was facing slightly away, lying on his stomach, so that she was left to stare at the back of his head and shoulders, his dormant shape outlined in the distant glow of the city lights outside their window.

Hed worked at the bar tonight, and shed actually been asleep herself when he got home. But it was a restless sleep, one from which she awoke about an hour ago, almost surprised to find him there, on his side of the bed.

And realizing, in that moment, how much she missed him. She missed his touch. She was restless and sleepless and frustrated and left only wanting.

It had been well over two weeks since they last had sex. She supposed that wasnt so uncommon. Shed heard plenty of married friends jokingly bemoan the lack of sex at home, especially with babies and young children thrown into the mix.

But the longest time she and Pacey had probably gone without was during her final trimesters and those short periods of abstinence recommended after labor and delivery.

And, she supposed, after the miscarriage, except that period of time wasnt really under medical advice.

That baby would be walking now.

She rolled away slightly, tucking her hand under her pillow.

While Emma was a shock to her entire being that she never saw coming, she knew she was pregnant with Jake at the moment of conception. She felt it. She just knew.

It was almost three weeks later that Pacey brought home a bottle of wine from the restaurant to have with their dinner, and offered to pour her a glass.

I cant, she replied nonchalantly, without thinking, her attention focused on chopping vegetables for the salad.

Why?

Im pregnant I mean, I think I am.

Shell never forget the look on his face in that moment, and never know why she hadnt said anything before that.

Maybe she just didnt want to set him up for disappointment, since she had to wait another week or so before she could even get an accurate home pregnancy test reading.

Or maybe it was something else.

Because, other than that moment of private grief she only witnessed by chance, Pacey almost never mentioned the miscarriage.

Theres something about being a parent that automatically makes you assume some measure of guilt when your children injure themselves, no matter how random or accidental the circumstances. As if it was your fault you didnt have the ability to see thirty seconds into the future and prevent it from happening.

After Joey lost the baby, she had to question everything she did or didnt do, every second of every day, for the past few months. As much she understood intellectually - the utter futility in that.

And she felt a little like Paceys silence back then left her to take the blame.

Not that there was a whole lot of conversation between them these days to compare it to.

She missed talking to him.

She missed his laugh.

Perhaps theyd both been so hurt by recent bickering and arguments that they just needed to retreat to their separate corners for a while, take a breather and lick their wounds, but Joey was growing weary of the distance.

Suddenly, she thought she heard a noise, maybe a cough or a broken cry from down the hall. She stilled, waiting with some trepidation and concern, but it was nothing.

Sighing, she shifted positions yet again, bunching up the pillow to clutch it to her chest, realizing she was oddly disappointed that one of them hadnt woken up.

Back when Pacey was at the restaurant all hours and she was home alone with them, whole days went by in a blur. Chasing them around from the moment they woke up, keeping schedules, changing diapers, making lunches and snacks, bottomless piles of laundry, cleaning up after themall that got her through sometimes was the light at the end of the tunnel known as bedtime.

Always so focused on what she had to do, that sometimes Joey would forget to just be. She had to admit it was pretty sad to be up in the middle of the night thinking about what great kids you had, and wondering when was the last time you told them that - made them understand just how precious and special they were to you.

And then comes the guilt, followed by all the rest.

She turned, staring up at the ceiling.

It was true that Pacey was never around back then to talk to, but if he had been, could she have really come out and admitted how she felt? Or that she spent almost every day wondering if shed set her career aside only to discover she did a horrible job at being a mom?

Insomnia had obviously led her over to the dark side, but she had to admit that seeing your single most important female role model have her sad life cut short had its lasting effects. And, although she was an amazing mother who found great joy and fulfillment in her children, Joey knew she never lived to see any of her personal hopes and dreams and ambitions fulfilled. She gave them up, one by one, and never got the chance to get them back.

Eugene ONeill once wrote: None of us can help the things life has done to us. Theyre done before you realize it, and once theyre done they make you do other things until at last everything comes between you and what youd like to be, and youve lost your true self forever.

Joey used to feel like this was an apt description of her own circumstance, because she was, as she grew up, often the unwilling victim of life and its random events. Her familys economic woes, her mothers deadly illness, her fathers fatal flaws the list went on and on.

Every time someone she loved left, she lost a small part of herself. Every time she was hurt by disappointment, something inside died just a little. She always imagined that she could have been someone else should have been someone else if not so derailed by tragedy, weighted down by worry, stalled by regret.

So many choices she made at such a young age were not ones she wanted to make, yet had to make. So many turns she had to take off the road that once seemed so open and wide, stretched out in front of her, full of possibilities.

And she could almost remember what it was like, before everything in her life changed, tragically and irrevocably. Maybe ten or eleven years old - lying in bed at night, just like this - imaging where her future might take her. Who she would grow up to be.

But the memory didnt seem real somehow. As if it were only something she saw in a movie once.

That was kind of how she pictured her grown-up future when she envisioned it back then, as a young girl. (Probably due in part to Dawsons influenceor had she once been the dreamer?) It was like a movie, full of continuity and order and meaning. One long extended happy ending.

Yet, instead of her grown up life playing out like a movie, it ended up to be a lot more like a bunch of snapshots taped haphazardly together - all these separate and distinct facets of her busy, demanding days coming together to make a cluttered whole. A jumbled, rushed, mishmash of a life.

She supposed its never how you thought it would be. So, you adapt and adjust. Joey didnt like to think it was about settling, but maybe that was involved to some extent, too. Maybe it was inevitable.

And perhaps it was only her sleep-deprived brain causing her to lapse into such a reflective mood, but she also had to admit her conversation with Eddie over lunch the other day had been bothering her as well, nagging at her conscience. She couldnt figure out what it was about him that she found to be so unsettling, or why she had been so uncomfortable in revealing the details of her life to him.

She honestly didnt remember now how Eddie used to make her feel. Only that his sudden reappearance in her life seemed to be resulting in this vague sense of unease. Was it simply an issue of unresolved abandonment? Shed always preferred leaving rather than being the one left behind, so Joey supposed that would make the most sense, but for some reason that didnt feel like the right answer.

She could probably lie here all night considering different fractured and subjective interpretations of the past. Shed discovered over time that that memory seems to have a very selective and faulty nature. Shed been in love with Eddie once, she thought, but she didnt remember ever seriously considering a future with him.

But one aspect of her past that was not really up for debate or question was that she had known two other very different kinds of love in her life, and both were with the same man.

And that was Pacey. Her husband.

Her first love, with all its intense, raw emotions and heart-wrenching angst, and then the love shed experienced in marriage - so much more subtle, yet richer and deeper in its meaning.

Yet how does that happen? Did that mean she had actually been a completely different person at each of these two separate points in time? And then someone else altogether with Eddie? Or was it just the difference of maturity, and how what you want and need at each stage of your life can vary? She supposed some questions still remained.

Years ago, before they ever even knew what this would become, she once told Pacey that his touch - his very presence, really - made her feel alive. But it was more than that.

Pacey had the ability to make her feel that maybe, just maybe, she could actually be the person she was meant to be. The best version of herself. The true self she thought she lost.

Sometimes it felt like deciding to be with Pacey again, after all those years, was actually more about giving herself a second chance.

After the lessons sadly imparted by Jens death, another young mothers life cut short with dreams unrealized, and the decision she made with herself to stop running, maybe she still had some hope. And that here, in a happy home of her own, surrounded by unconditional love, maybe she could find it again. Maybe her true self wasnt lost, just hidden away and waiting for the day it was safe to come out.

But maybe no one is ever quite there, at that place they thought they would be. And maybe no home is ever completely filled with happiness.

Or maybe youre so busy struggling to get to the place you think you should be, you completely miss the point you arrive at the place you are.

And end up lying awake in bed at night wondering how you got here.


~*~

Chapter Seven


~*~


Joey paused her fingers over her computer keyboard, in the middle of returning e-mails, but at the same time trying to recall if shed instructed Kelsey as to what time to place the frozen macaroni and cheese into the oven. Grabbing the phone off her desk, she was about to dial when she glanced up to see Sarah approaching.

Unwilling to be caught in the middle of a personal phone call to her babysitter after missing the past two days of work because she was without a babysitter, Joey quickly hung up the phone, returning her attention to her computer screen.

Oh, Joey, she slowed to a stop, lowering the document in her hand that shed been reading, Youre here.

Ignoring the fact she made it sound as if shed decided simply based upon a whim to come into work today, Joey glanced up with a polite smile, offering only, Good morning.

Yet, instead of her brevity encouraging Sarah to continue on, as shed hoped, she moved in to lean on the edge of her cubicle wall.

So, did you and your husband enjoy yourselves at Eileens party the other night?

Joey stiffened slightly, irrationally feeling placed on the defensive, as if Sarah had some magical abilities to see into her private life.

Yes, she replied quietly, it was a nice time. She paused, trying not to ask, but then couldnt resist. How about you? Did you have fun?

Oh, yeah, Sarah laughed in a low voice, arching her eyebrows as if to imply there were some brow-raising incidents involved. I think were there until almost 2:00 am, however.

Joey only nodded her head with another smile as she took a small sip of her coffee, of course catching the exaggerated emphasis Sarah placed on the word we, but refusing to acknowledge it.

Not that she cared, but she was well aware Sarah was most likely referring to Eddie. And she just wasnt in the mood to play along.

It was simple human nature to feel at least something in seeing an ex with someone else. Whether it be a sudden bite of jealousy, a warm and fond recollection, a pang of angst-ridden heartache or a brow-swiping moment of relief (that its no longer you) there may be a moment there where your reaction is purely based in emotion, not reason.

Sarah had discovered by now, over the course of their editorial meetings, that Joey and Eddie once knew each other in college. That was the extent of the information offered up, but Joey could tell Sarahs curiosity was piqued as to whether there was anything more she should know.

Joey also knew when she was being baited, and she didnt appreciate it.

So, Sarah seemed to cringe slightly, I hope that wasnt, you know, awkward at all.

Joey placed her coffee back down on her desk, her forehead wrinkled in exaggerated confusion, already bored with this. Im sorry?

Well, Sarah assumed a hushed, confidential tone as her eyes quickly darted around. Weve both worked together on Eddies book, and then Im there with him.

She seemed to pause, as if waiting for a reaction, but Joey maintained her poker face, just letting her play that card. Sarah straightened up slightly, tossing back her dark blonde hair, obviously thrown a bit off her game by the non-response.

It was sort of just coincidence, really, her tone changed as she explained. I heard that he was invited to the party, and I had plans to meet friends for early cocktails first. I invited him to join us, telling him where we would be - never really imagining he would actually show. But it turns out he was going to the party alone, so we went together. I mean, you would assume someone like that would already be involved in a relationship, you know?

Joey only shrugged her shoulder noncommittally. I suppose.

Sarah seemed to finally give up and moved into work-related territory.

So, I guess were at that time again. End of the year reviews. I was hoping to set up a meeting with Eileen and Stan, Sarah explained, unprompted. I think my performance this year stands on its own merits, but at the same time it never hurts to be proactive, right?

Mm-hmm, Joey nodded her head accordingly, unable to help herself as she responded casually. Ive actually already met with both of them.

You have? Sarah arched an eyebrow.

Yes, she shrugged. But it wasnt so much an end of the year review meeting as it was an offer for an associate editors position.

She bit back the smile as Sarahs face fell with something close to shock.

Oh. She blinked her eyes once. Well, wowthats great.

Thank you. Joey watched her face, suddenly feeling like theyd been transported back to a sixth grade playground. I mean, I was actually an associate editor before I left but Im sure you recall that so I guess theyre basically restoring me to my prior level. By the way, were you aware there might be an acquisitions editor position opening up?

No, I, Sarah frowned. Actually, II hadnt heard that.

Well, Eileen only mentioned it to me in passing, Joey assured her with a dismissive wave of her hand.

Hmm, Sarah seemed more than a bit perturbed and distracted as she moved to walk away. Well, I really need to get back to work.

Yeah, me, too.

Joeys smile faded as she watched her walk away and then she lowered her head to continue working, realizing the sort of satisfaction she got out of putting Sarah in her place was short-lived at best.

But at least she finally got her to shut up.


~*~


Pacey trudged up the front walk of the restaurant with Doug, both of their heads bowed against the wind whipping in off the harbor. Pausing slightly, he reached for the door handle, not quite sure he was prepared for this. Part of him had been unable to stop hoping that Brendans descriptions of the damages might have been exaggerated.

He could tell his brother was waiting, his eyebrow arched expectantly although he didnt say anything, and Pacey finally pushed through the door.

The restaurant was eerily silent, and he was first hit with a faint odor, something damp and slightly dank, a smell that was both metallic and musty at the same time.

Crossing the front lobby to the bar area with some apprehension, it actually took him a moment to even notice the soaked floors and walls, the image of what the place used to look like too ingrained in his mind. But then Doug made a sound, like a sharp intake of breath, and suddenly every detail came into glaring focus.

His shoulders slumping, he continued on towards the kitchen and the origin of the burst pipes, the area hed been told received the brunt of the water damage.

Something in his stomach dropped with a dull thud as he pushed through the swinging doors to survey the room, and all he could do was stand there a moment and stare at it all in mild shock.

It doesnt look that bad, Doug offered quietly, coming in to stand next to him.

Pacey guffawed softly, lifting his hand to rub it over his hair as he continued to stare in disbelief. Compared to what?

Brendan had called in Bill Sullivan, a local plumbing contractor, who was able to repair the damaged pipe on an emergency basis, but hed needed to tear the wall down to do so. Hed then placed them in touch with a company whose sole function was to come in and dry out the place to prevent any mold growth from starting. Pacey was slightly horrified to learn that first phase of the damage control alone could take up to a week to complete.

He gazed around, assessing what would have to be done. Drywall and insulation would have to be replaced, ceiling tiles were sagging and much of the cabinetry and millwork would have to be ripped out due to swelling. The hardwood floors and carpeting were totaled. Two walls were completely trashed. Appliances ruined. Pacey was told even the building's HVAC system would have to be thoroughly cleaned due to some kind of microbial contamination.

Even at first glance, Pacey knew this would take months to complete.

Well, if we are to look for the silver lining, Doug sighed, once you assess the total damages enough to file your claim, youre going to be looking at a settlement check. You were planning on making those renovations to bring the kitchen up to code, he glanced at him, now the contractor can do that as part of the restoration, right?

Yeah, I suppose, Pacey shook his head dubiously, unable to tear his eyes away from what used to be his kitchen. The adjustor from my insurance company will be out first thing in the morning. Thats something Ill have to talk to him about.

So, speaking of which, Doug held up the digital camera hed brought along, would you like me to start taking pictures now?

Yeah, Pacey sighed in defeat, realizing theyd need this visual proof of the devastation in order to file a claim, not just the fact he felt like someone had gutted him along with the walls. Go for it.

Doug wandered off, the camera held up to his eye as he snapped away, stepping on pieces of ripped drywall and small chunks of cement, sloshing through the inches of water pooling on the floor in his work boots.

But Pacey only continued to stand there.

Hed put everything he ever had into this place. It was the one thing in his life he had done entirely for himself, the one time when hed set out to prove himself in his own eyes.

But, his life was about far more than himself these days.

There were only a few times Pacey could remember that hed ever looked for anything like a sign to guide him, but maybe thats what this was, in front of him.

And maybe what it was telling him was that he had to let this go, in order too get something else back.


~*~


Joey knelt by the side of the tub, one hand still resting protectively on Jakes slippery soft skin for support even though he was perfectly capable of sitting upright on his own by now. She had a washcloth in the other hand, dipping it into the few inches of warm, soapy water as she gave his head of downy dark hair a gentle shampoo.

Emma sat on the toilet seat cover behind her, already in her pajamas, swinging her feet back and forth in her pink bootie slippers and humming some tune under her breath as she flipped through a picture book on her lap, waiting for Joey to read it to her.

Jake gurgled and laughed, kicking his chubby feet in the air to splash the water around before he became very still, staring down in rapt fascination at the bubbles his movements had created on the surface.

Joey covered a small yawn, trying not to think about the manuscript she had to read tonight. Even two days out of the office had put her behind schedule, and she wasnt about to slack off in her work so soon after getting a promotion.

Resting her arm on the ledge of the bathtub, she propped her chin on her hand, watching Jake, who was still mesmerized by the soap bubbles.

Even with his exaggeratedly round baby features, Joey could see so much of Pacey in him. There were certain angles, certain looks she would catch where there was something so recognizable in his face, although she could never quite put her finger on whether it was in his nose, or his eyes, or his smile. Or maybe it was even a combination of all three.

Lifting her hand to his face, she tenderly stroked his skin, gently calling out his name.

Jake slowly tilted his head up to meet her eyes and her face softened into a sleepy smile as she cupped his cheek.

And there it is.

Suddenly, she heard the phone ring out from the kitchen.

I can get it, Momma! Emma announced as she placed her book aside on the sink countertop and jumped down from her perch on the commode.

Okay, Joey straightened up from where shed been slumped against the tub, stretching her arm to reach for a folded towel, anxious that it might be Pacey. Go ahead, honey. Thanks.

Emma ran from the bathroom, her padded slippers scuffing and slipping along the hardwood flooring in the hallway, and Joey quickly got Jake out of the tub, wrapping him up in towel and holding him in her arms to hurry after her.

By the time she got to the kitchen, Emma was talking animatedly into the phone, and Joey felt her anxiousness rise a certain degree as she listened.

And then guess what happened, Daddy

She stood there in the kitchen doorway, both eager and nervous to talk to him, almost to the point she started to become frustrated as Emma chatted away about such important matters like her arts and crafts project in preschool that morning and how Kelsey brought them pretzels when they went for a walk.

Finally she turned her round blue eyes up at Joey, holding out the phone.

Daddy says he wants to say hi to you.

Joey took the phone from her hand, hesitating to take a deep, calming breath before she shifted Jake over onto her hip and lifted it to her ear.

Hey.

Hey.

His familiar voice washed over her, wrapping around her like an embrace. Albeit a temporary one, as all their assorted issues came flooding back to her just as quickly as theyd been swept away in the sound.

So, she sighed, her forehead creasing in concern, how bad is it?

Eh, pretty bad, he admitted in a low voice, and she had to strain to hear now that Emma had resumed her humming in the kitchen. Its, ah...its trashed, actually. The insurance adjuster will be out in the morning to take a look, so well see how it goes from there.

She turned away, walking out towards the living room so she could listen better, her own voice softening.

And how are you?

Well, she heard him sigh, To tell you the truth, I havent really-

Mom? Mommy?

She glanced down to see Emma had followed after her.

Can I have a drink please?

Em, what have I said about when Mommys on the phone? Joey tried to keep the edge out of her tone. Can you just give me a minute? She tossed her hair back, hiking Jake up higher, returning her attention to Pacey. Sorry, what was that?

Ah, nothing, I just- His voice suddenly trailed off and when he spoke again she could hear his smile. Is that Jake?

Jake was currently twirling her hair between his chubby hands, his face quietly serious as he sang some random song made up entirely of single syllables strung together in no particular order.

Yeah, hold on, she murmured as she started down the hall towards the bedrooms, realizing she was holding the tub-fresh baby on her hip and he could very well grace her with some unwanted gift at any moment, all over her silk blouse. Let me just get a diaper on him.

She had to momentarily place the phone down while she quickly powdered, diapered and dressed Jake in his pajamas, and then carried both he and the phone back out to the living room, placing him down near where Emma was playing on the floor.

Okay, all set, she released the words in a rush of breath.

Pausing momentarily, she decided it might be best - temporarily - to steer the subject matter to something more neutral, hoping to perhaps take his mind off his worries for even a brief moment. She had no other idea as to how to offer some comfort in this situation, and to maybe ease them closer to the discussion they needed to have.

So, how is it there? She tried to smile, hoping it would carry through, as his had. Any snow on the ground yet?

Yeah, just a couple of inches, he replied. And everyone here says hi. Amys all excited to see Emma at Christmas.

Hey, ah, by the way, his voice changed momentarily, lowering confidentially, she has this dollhouse in her room. Doug said one of the shops downtown makes them, I guess. I think it might be just the kind Em was asking for. He paused. You think I should pick one up? You know, for Christmas?

Yeah, Joey nodded her head, realizing as much as she longed for a normal conversation with him, it still felt strange to be discussing this, when there was so much else left unsaid. That might-

Her attention was abruptly pulled away by a commotion in the living room.

Jake! Give it.

She turned to see Emma trying to get back one of her dolls from Jakes surprisingly strong grip.

Just give him something else to play with, Em, Joey instructed her with mild exasperation.

Emma glanced around, finally spying a red rubber ball and throwing it across the living room.

Go fetch, Jake.

Joey turned away, rolling her eyes a little while Jake scrambled after the ball on all fours.

You know, Pacey cleared his throat on the other end of the line, Roscoe called me earlier on my cell. He mentioned that Leiana wants you to give her call. She might be available during the week to help out with the kids.

Joey immediately felt herself bristle at the suggestion, feeling like it was somehow a reflection on her, and her abilities as a mother. That Pacey would even think she needed the help, and especially from Leiana, someone who had less experience with children than Joey had, aggravated her to a certain degree.

Just what did he think she did when he used to be at the restaurant all day and night?

Because I really dont know how long this is going to take, Pacey was continuing. Theres a lot involved and-

Suddenly, there were the sounds of Jakes tears, escalating quickly into all out sobs, and Joey hurried over to find him in the dining room, sitting on the floor red faced and crying.

Quickly deducing hed most likely bonked his head on the table leg in an attempt to retrieve his ball, which had rolled underneath, she sighed wearily, crouching down to awkwardly scoop him up in one arm.

Oh, Jake

Paceys voice crackled with concern over the phone connection. Is he okay?

Yeah, he just bumped his head, Joey murmured in explanation, squinting her eyes to locate the telltale red mark on his forehead. Its okay.

She held Jake as close as she could with one arm, whispering soft words of comfort even as she still held the phone in the other hand.

Well, Pacey sighed, sounding slightly distracted, Ill let you go take care of that. Gretchen just showed up here at the house, anyway, so I should go say hello to her.

Okay, Joey frowned; disappointed their call was being cut short. And you know I-

Hearing murmurs of mumbled conversation from his end, she realized he wasnt even listening, his attention directed away towards whoever it was there at Jack and Dougs house.

Jo? His voice came back to her. Sorry, what was that?

Nothing, she shook her head with a mild grimace, Jakes crying getting even louder, probably indignant her full attention wasnt focused on his trauma.

Ill call you tomorrow, okay? Pacey assured her, his voice briefly softening with more intimacy than it held before.

Yeah, okay, she replied, defeated.

They said their goodbyes and she hung up, sad to realize theyd talked for almost ten minutesyet hadnt said anything.


~*~


Joey didnt know for how long shed been trying to read the same paragraph of the manuscript in her hand, the words growing more and more liquid in her vision until they were swimming in the air before her eyes instead of printed on the page.

Finally placing it aside on the bed, she drew her knees up to her chest in an almost protective pose, covering her mouth with her hand as her shoulder shook with tremors, her eyes shut tight even as the tears leaked out to streak her cheeks.

Pausing, her breath caught in her throat as she thought she detected a soft sound outside her bedroom door.

Mommy?

Quickly wiping the backs of her hands along her damp cheeks, she took a few gulping breaths of air in an attempt to gain some composure.

She swung her legs off the bed to pad across the floor in her pajamas.

What is it, sweetie? What are you doing out of bed?

Opening the door all the way, she found Emma standing there out in the hall, gazing up with wide round eyes.

I thought I heard something. I thought it was the door, Emma explained hopefully, though still sounding half asleep. Did Daddy come home?

Joey had to bite back her tears all over again, forcing a watery smile as she shook her head. No, not yet. He still has to help fix his restaurant, remember?

Emma seemed to deflate slightly and then she glanced warily down the hall towards her bedroom before tilting her head to gaze past Joey into her room.

Her voice shrunk. Can I come sleep with you, Mommy?

Joey sighed, and then only nodded her head, motioning for her to come in, figuring shed offered the kid up enough disappointment for one night.

Just for tonight.

Emma brightened in considerable relief as she followed Joey in to hop up on the big bed, bouncing twice on the mattress before crawling to the top to slide under the covers.

Are you reading your work stuff? She inquired upon seeing the discarded manuscript.

Yeah, I was trying, Joey admitted, removing it from the bed to place it on her dresser.

She came back to bed, turning off the bedside lamp before crawling under the covers to rest her head on the pillow next to Emma, closing her eyes and thinking about how she smelled like a mixture of vanilla and green apple shampoo.

She used to just lie here and breathe in her baby smell in those first few months after Emma was born, almost needing to constantly remind herself that she was real.

That she had a daughter.

She had a lot of problems nursing at first, the pain bringing her to the point of tears at times, but having read every baby book ever published while pregnant she was determined not to fail at it, seeing it as her first test of motherhood. She never really considered whether she wanted to breastfeed, or if it was for her, only that she had to.

But everything about Emma at first seemed to be about things she had to do, not necessarily things she wanted to do.

Joey didnt fall madly, desperately in love with her first baby at first sight, as she read about, and saw in every pregnancy-related television show she ever watched on cable. It was far more gradual than that, and it happened over a longer period of time, and was preceded by several momentary lapses when she wondered if it would ever happen at all.

There were even times she sat here, exhausted and drained from lack of sleep, watching her sleep in her bassinette across the room, and almost felt nothing at all.

She used to feel bad for Emma, that she had her for a mother.

But Pacey was different. He loved Emma enough for both of them, from the moment she was born.

He used to walk around the apartment, holding her tiny body close to his chest, to his heart, humming soft songs to her in his gentle voice, soothing the cries Joey couldnt stop, encouraging the smiles and coos Joey couldnt initiate.

When Joey was so tired she couldnt physically move, and Emma would wake up hungry and crying, it was Pacey who would get out of bed, change her diaper, and bring her to Joey. Shed feed her, eyes still half shut, and hed watch over them until one or the other drifted back off to sleep, and then tuck them both back in bed. And, no matter if it were the second or the seventh wake up in the exact same night, every time he lifted that little baby up in his arms, hed smile down at her as if she was the most wonderful sight on earth.

After the hellish haze of those first couple of months started to clear, Joey would find herself laying on the bed for hours with Emma, fascinated by her every facial gesture and sound and movement. She became convinced Emma was a borderline genius, and would report on every amazing and awe-inspiring development to Pacey when he got home from work, following him from room to room and listing them off on her fingers while he just nodded his head and smiled knowingly.

Shed find herself looking forward to her waking up from a nap, just to hold or hug her close, see her smile, play with her. And when Emma did smile for her, it was as if the wattage in the sun somehow increased by about a thousand, yet at the same time the whole world narrowed down to just the blue-green orbs of her eyes.

Joey picked her up off the floor one day where she was playing on her baby mat, wrapping her arms tight around her and closing her eyes as she breathed her in deeply, inhaling her scent, and realized she loved her so much that it didnt even seem possible she hadnt always been there, if not in her arms then in her heart.

Joey realized then, in that moment, that you may give birth, but your children never stop living inside you.

Im sorry I was in a bad mood earlier, Em. Joey whispered in the dark.

Thats okay, Emma assured her without hesitation.

They were quiet a while before Emma spoke again.

Are you sad because you miss Daddy?

Joey smiled sadly, her voice barely at a whisper. Yes.

I miss him, too, Emma whispered back, But its okay. Just because hes not here with us, were all still a teamright?

Joey swallowed back the lump in her throat. Right.

Goodnight, Mommy.

Night, sweetheart.

Joeys eyes drifted over Emmas face, outlined in the darkness by the distant lights of the city.

One thing she would always remember from that time she was first born was that never, not once, did Pacey ever act like he believed there was anything wrong. In his eyes, in his words and in his smile, Joey could tell that he believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that Joey would find that love she thought she was missing.

He had complete faith in her, and in her hearts capacity to love. Even more than Joey had in herself.

But Pacey always knew her heart, understood it like no one else ever could. He even gave it back when she hadnt asked for it.

So, like that love for her child that lived inside her just waiting to be discovered, Joey decided she was going to have faith that she had the answers to her problems with Pacey lay somewhere in her heart as well.

Because, even though it sometimes seemed to her that they loved in very different ways, expressed that love in different degrees, or started to love at different times, Joey finally realized what was far more important was the fact they had never stopped.


~*~


Pacey lifted his beer to his mouth, taking a small swallow before smiling as his eyes fell on Amy. She was on the couch across the room in her pajamas, resting partially on a pillow, a half-eaten cookie in her hand, and her eyelashes were fluttering against her round cheeks, obviously trying to fend off slumber.

She had insisted all day they watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with her, and to her great delight, Doug even made Christmas cookies for the occasion, but as Pacey watched, her head dropped onto the pillow and she drifted off to sleep not even ten minutes in.

Glancing over at the red digital display on the cable box, his mind inevitably wandered to what his family might be doing right now.

Last year at this time, he had Emma help him make cookies, one of the first times she ever really assisted him as anything more than an audience member in the kitchen. He spread newspaper down on every conceivable inch of the floor and gave her bowls of red and green and white frosting (with a hearty helping of colored sprinkles, of course) and let her go to town.

Joey had been taking a nap on the couch, her sleeping patterns all discombobulated in those final months of her pregnancy with Jake. When she finally appeared in the kitchen doorway, wearing one of his white button-down shirts over a pair of slim black leggings, her hand resting firmly on the small of her back to support the heavy round swell of her belly (and her temperament slightly thrown off by the fact the doctor had informed her just the day before that she was looking at a baby well over nine pounds) Pacey cringed slightly, realizing Emma had turned out to be the single most decorated item in the room.

But Joey only laughed, dusting the colored sprinkles from her frosted hair, and they all took a seat at the kitchen table with a full supply of milk to accompany their cookie sampling. Emma smiled up at them both, happily swinging her legs where she sat, and announced through a mouthful of cookie crumbs that next year her new baby brother could help, too.

Right, Daddy?

He let out a muted sigh, remembering at the time he kind of felt like maybe hed started a new tradition. Something he could do with his kids every year, which they would look back on and remember when Christmas rolled around again.

Only this year wouldnt be included in those memories.

Shifting his eyes back to the television screen, his thoughts stayed behind in New York. He was almost desperate to call, but was actually putting it off a little longer tonight. As much as he wanted to hear Emmas voice, to even hear Jakes gurgles and assorted baby sounds, what he wanted more was just ten minutes alone with his wife. Even if it was over the phone.

He was aware she had some kind of important meeting today in regards to Dolings book. Shed only mentioned it in passing when he talked to her a few days ago, but it had stuck in Paceys mind right at the top of his list of things to stress about.

He hated being like this, to even go to that place where he doubted her, but the distance between them emotional and physical - was starting to make him go a little crazy. He could tell she was sad, and he could tell she was lonely, nearly every time they talked, no matter what kind of faade she tried to assume for his benefit. It killed him to think of her like that when there wasnt anything he could do about it right now.

And, suddenly, even the thought of her telling that guy Eddie about something as random and incidental as her commute to the office that morning, something Pacey knew nothing about, bothered him to the point of distraction.

He knew damn well he was being ridiculous, even childish, but when there was no one he could share these kinds of thoughts with except for himself, it was difficult not to slip back into some immature emotional responses.

There was really no one else Pacey had ever told about his brief reconnection with Joey back in her sophomore year of college.

No one except Jen, that is.

It had been one of those summer visits to Capeside she and Mrs. Ryan used to make after they moved to New York. She called Pacey to see if they could make plans to get together, maybe dinner on Saturday, or even brunch on Sunday.

What it actually turned out to be was more of a late liquid lunch at the bar of the restaurant where he was working at the time, his buddy mixing drinks more than accommodating in setting them up with seemingly endless free rounds. They hit a few more Capeside watering holes before the night was over, and somewhere in there Pacey ended up spilling all his secrets to her.

Like the fact he was still in love with Joey, as he had been for most his life.

And the fact she, in turn, dumped him for a guy she knew for about six months.

With Dawson, at least he saw it coming.

But, as far as he knew, Jen had never said anything to anyone. Just like hed never told anyone, not even Joey, about her breakdown that afternoon in the hospital a few days before she died. The videotape she made for her daughter, for Amy, was the way she wanted to be remembered, and as far as Pacey was concerned, that was the way she would be remembered.

The way he figured it, he owed her one.

So, to the outside world, theyd be the strong ones, the fearless ones, the ones who faced things like heartbreak and death with irreverence and sarcasm. He and Jen had been alike in a lot of ways. No one else needed to know they werent exactly so brave, or so fearless, and that they hurt just as much as the next person. If not more so.

It could be their little secret.

Im going to take her up to bed.

Dougs hushed voice pulled him from his thoughts, and he glanced over to see him lifting Amy up in his arms, her sleepy head lolling against his shoulder as her blonde curls spilled across her rosy cheeks.

The sad smile tugged at the corner of Paceys mouth as he watched his brother carry the little girl across the living room to the staircase, imagining someday maybe he could be there to safely guard her secrets, as well.

He didnt know if that was exactly in an uncles job description, but he figured it would be okay - since this particular family didnt really need to follow standard definitions anyway.

He returned his attention to the television to see Santa had just discovered that Rudolph did not have some adenoid problem as previously suspected but, in fact, was sporting a shiny red nose.

Frowning, he tilted his head to listen to the dialogue more carefully.

Did he really just say you should be ashamed of yourself? Just because hes different from the other reindeer? He turned to Jack. Did you ever notice Santa Claus is kind of an asshole in this one?

Jack was staring intently at the television, seeming to be a little more involved in Rudolph than a thirty-year-old man should be, and shook his head with a slight grimace.

Im still trying to figure out whats wrong with the damn doll on the Island of Misfit Toys.

Pacey paused, his brow furrowing. Huh?

You have Charley-in-the-Box, Jack motioned with his hand, gesturing towards the TV screen. Self-explanatory, right? The train with square wheels? He shrugged dismissively as he continued. An obvious error at the drafting stage by some mechanical engineer. The squirt gun that squirts jelly. He shook his head helplessly. Just an accident waiting to happen. A cowboy riding an ostrich? I mean, come on, he scoffed, you gotta see the problem with that. But theres absolutely nothing the matter with that doll. He slammed his fist down on the arm of couch. It bugs me every friggin year.

Yes, well, Pacey commented drolly, your life is very difficult, Jack.

Doug reappeared then, resting his hand on the polished wood banister as he descended the staircase.

Man, she was down for the count tonight, huh? He laughed lightly as he resumed his spot on the other end of the couch.

Yeah, Jack agreed with a grin. But with the holidays upon us, between school and dance class and skating, shes seen more parties this week than Paris Hilton.

And thats really the last time I want to hear that comparison ever made, Doug smirked.

Pacey grinned a little as he moved to stand up, having already had some conversations with his brother on the subject of what it means to realize you are the father of someone who will one day become a teenage girl.

Youre not watching the end of Rudolph? Jack glanced up at him in mild surprise.

And you are? Pacey chuckled, raising his eyebrows in greater disbelief.

Nojust sayin, Jack lowered his head to mutter, reluctantly aiming the remote at the television to change the channel over to ESPN.

Im going to go give Joey a call, he explained with a shrug, picking up his bottle of beer as he headed in the direction of the den.

Tell her we said hello, Doug called quietly after him.

Will do, he murmured, turning down the hall until he reached the room at the back of the house where he was staying.

Although it was directly off the kitchen, it was fairly private room and the sofa bed was actually not too uncomfortable. The only real issue was that there were huge skylights that let the sunlight flood in unchecked, all the trees in the yard only scrub pines this close to the beach. It wasnt exactly a conducive environment to sleeping in past maybe 8:00 am, but dawn usually found him wide-awake these days anyway, so it didnt really matter.

He dropped onto the couch, placing his beer aside to dig out his cell phone, not wanting to rack these daily calls up on Doug and Jacks telephone bill.

The corners of his mouth almost involuntarily dipped down as he listened to the successive rings, as he was suddenly looking a little less forward to this call, realizing he was going to have to tell her tonight that he wouldnt be able to get away any time soon.

Pace? Her voice was breathless and a little groggy when she finally picked up, and he imagined her on their bed, having probably fallen asleep reading a manuscript.

And, for a moment, he wished he could have been there to wake her up in person, remembering those nights hed come in from the restaurant to find her like that. To take the manuscript from her hands, press a kiss to the hollow of her throat, slide his hands up under the hem of her t-shirt to seek out her warm silky skin, to hear the soft sounds she made as she stirred, the murmurs of vibrations against his lips, the taste of her on his tongue, to wrap his arms around her body, bury himself inside her.

To come home.

Yeah, its me. His words came out on a soft sigh as he smiled. How was your day?

It was okay, She cleared her throat, sounding a little more oriented now. More familiar. How bout yours?

He leaned back to rest his head on the sofa and closed his eyes, trying to put himself there with her, if not in person, then at least in his mind.

It was all right. He lifted his free hand to rub at his weary eyes. Are they both in bed?

Mm-hmmfinally. She paused. So, is there any progress being made?

He blinked his eyes open to stare out the skylight at the crescent moon.

Well, um, Ive just been dealing with contractors, taking some bids now that the adjusters been out. And, thenthen Ill start to oversee the work.

Oversee the work? He could hear the frown, the weariness that came from more than lack of sleep, in her tone. Pace, at this rate we might not see you until Christmas.

He hesitated too long, considering his words, and she repeated his name with a certain amount of apprehension and dread.

Pacey?

I was going to say, he sighed again before rushing ahead, I was going to say that made sense, since youll all be coming out here anywaynext weekfor Christmasright?

His words lost their conviction one by one as his voice trailed off.

O-oh, was all he heard from the other end on the line, her voice breaking just slightly on even the one syllable. Soso, you mean youll just stay there, until we get there?

Yeah. He closed his eyes, this time in mild pain, feeling like all he did lately was disappoint her.

But he was going to find a way to make this all better. Hed decided he was going to sell The Icehouse, just as soon as the insurance covered his loss on the damages.

He just hadnt quite gotten to the place where he could say it out loud yet.

They both fell silent a moment before he spoke again, his strained voice barely above a whisper.

I miss you, though.

She let out a shaky breath, but carried with it all the words he wanted to hear.

I miss you, too, Pace.


~*~


Joey kept her head slightly bowed against the frozen rain, falling like sleet from the sky, and she hurried down the city sidewalk. Glancing up and squinting her eyes, she noticed the awning for Paddy OReillys in the distance.

Her division of the publishing house had rented out the entire bar and restaurant for their annual holiday party, but Joey wouldnt have bothered to attend at all, had it not been right on her way home. She figured shed stop in, make the rounds to say Merry Christmas to everyone she worked with and then catch a cab back to the apartment. It was usually a fairly lively gathering, with an open bar for the cocktail hour, so she didnt think it would be too difficult to slip away unnoticed.

She pushed through the heavy carved oak doors with a tentative smile, immediately being greeted by Corinne and a few other editorial assistants. Tugging her scarf loose and unbuttoning her damp coat, she exchanged a few pleasantries with them, and hesitated when the waitress suddenly approached from the bar.

She hadnt really planned on drinking but decided maybe a glass of wine might make this socializing a little easier, especially when she was feeling a little down, and added her voice to the order. One would think after years of attending these kinds of events, shed now be proficient in working a room, but her people skills still werent quite as advanced as her professional ones.

By the time her second glass arrived, shed moved onto the next group, her conversation definitely flowing a little easier with the merlot.

She felt under such pressure lately, at work, at home, that she welcomed the soothing, numbing effects of the wine, a brief respite from her worries, and before she knew it, she was on her third glass.

Shed just finished a conversation with Eileen, and exchanged holiday wishes with Stan, when she was surprised by an unexpected, yet familiar voice.

I was wondering if you were going to show up.

Turning to see Eddie standing there, or - to be more exact swaying there behind her, the corners of her mouth dipped down curiously, the alcohol in her system allowing her to be her usual blunt self.

What are you doing here?

He sort of gave her a sheepish grin as he shrugged his shoulder, lifting the rock glass of scotch in his hand to his mouth.

Oh, Joey smirked slightly with a nod of her head. Here with Sarah, are you?

Nope. Eddie shook his head. Im actually party-crashing. He held his index finger up to his lips, slurring his words slightly. Shhhhdont tell anyone, kay?

I have a plane to catch in about two hours, he explained as he glanced around. And I really hate to fly. Figured it couldnt hurt to self-medicate beforehand, and my agent Jay mentioned he was coming here at Eileens invitation. I just tagged along. His eyes seemed to drift over her. Gets a little lonely in a city where you dont know anyone, you know?

Joey considered this a moment, acknowledging it could get lonely here even when you did know someone, and raised her wineglass to her lips once again.

So, Eddie smiled. Why dont you have a drink with me before I have to go to the airport?

I have a drink, she held her glass up with a smirk.

Have another one.

Joey sighed, glancing over towards the front doors to see Sarah had cornered Eileen in what looked to be some intense conversation. Remembering it had been her desire to stay out of office politics and just do her job, and embarrassed that shed started to stoop to Sarahs level a bit, she really didnt feel like having to walk through the middle of that to get out of here.

She glanced down at her wristwatch uncertainly, realizing that on most nights she wouldnt even be home for at least another hour or so, the office having closed early for this party. She had her cell phone on her and Kelsey was at the apartment with the Emma and Jake.

Shed get there, then theyd go to bed and Joey would have the rest of the entire night to sit there alone. Like shed done every night for the past two weeks.

So, maybe just one more glass of wine wouldnt hurt.

Um, okay, she agreed reluctantly. I guess that would be okay.

Eddie triumphantly waved a cocktail waitress over from the bar.

Hey, hey thereyeah, the lady will have a- He glanced at Joey for assistance.

Glass of merlot, please, she spoke up quietly.

And Ill have another one of these. He placed his now-empty glass on her serving tray. Only this time instead of a splash of soda, just make it like aa spla of soda, okay?

You got it. The waitress agreed as she walked away, but it didnt escape Joeys attention that she rolled her eyes as she did so.

So, um, Joey glanced away, smiling her greeting to some people she recognized from the graphics department. Are you going home to Worcester for the holidays?

Actually, Im going to sunny Florida, Eddie explained. My dad retired and he and my mom got a place in Sarasota.

Really? And how is your father?

Oh, hes good, really good, Eddie smiled, and Joey was glad to hear that his voice took on a certain amount of affection and pride, as shed always though his father was a nice guy. Like I said, he finally retired, and is getting some time to enjoy the good life, travel with my mom. Im actually giving them a cruise this year for Christmas, which is one of those things Ive always wanted to be in the position to be able to do for them.

Thats great, she offered him a more genuine smile, feeling a little more comfortable in this innocent territory of personal history. Though she supposed the merlot probably upped her comfort levels, as well.

Yeah, Eddie dropped his head with his own smile before lifting his eyes back to her. You know, my father always liked you. I remember he gave me crap for a good long while about letting a girl like that get away. But, then again, he shrugged, my old man was always smarter than me.

The grip of Joeys smile tightened, the conversation seeming to have taken an abrupt turn.

But the waitress chose that exact moment to return with their drinks, so, taking her glass of wine, she began to formulate her excuse to leave.

Hey, do you ever wonder what it wouldve been like, Eddie turned back to her once the waitress walked away, What wouldve happened, if we made that trip to Europe together?

Joey froze, her wine glass halfway to her lips.

I mean, he shrugged as he continued, it had the potential to change the whole course of our lives, dont you think?

She took a larger than intended gulp of her wine, lowering the glass as she glanced around distractedly. Feeling her temperature rise as her throat constricted, she started to become agitated, as if the walls were closing in on her, stealing oxygen.

If youll excuse me, she murmured, I need to find the ladies room.

Ohokay, he stepped out of her way, obviously surprised by her abrupt departure.

Joey placed her wine glass down on a nearby table and quickly made her way through the crowd, seeing a sign for the restrooms at the back of the bar, the neon arrow directing her down a short hallway.

She stepped inside the ladies room, the voices and laughter and music from the bar muted as the door swung closed behind her, and leaned back to rest against the wall with a heavy sigh, wishing this place had a back entrance.

Suddenly, nothing was the way it was supposed to be. Being here with Eddie and talking about their past, when her present with Pacey was under such strain.

She closed her eyes, imagining Emma at home waiting for her and Jake going all day without being held by her. And then her thoughts went to Pacey, her husband, two hundred miles away, dealing with the loss of something that was important to him. That was important to both of them.

Her stomach clenched in brief, raw emotion, feeling like she was incapable of giving the people she loved most in life what they needed most from her.

And feeling guilty that they all loved her back, despite that.

Taking a deep shaky breath, Joey wiped away the one tear that managed to escape out of her wet eyes, composing herself before someone from her office came in and she turned into nothing more than Christmas party gossip. Drunk and crying in the bathroom was definitely not how she wanted to be remembered in the company newsletter.

Quickly appraising her appearance in the mirror, she took another deep breath before throwing open the bathroom door to march determinedly back to the bar area, to say her goodbyes to Eddie and go home.

But Eddie was waiting right at the end of the short hallway, leaning against the wall.

I didnt realize it was so late. Joey slowed to a stop in front of him, averting her watery gaze. I should really be on my way.

Oh, you cant leave yet, Eddie shook his head with a slow grin. Well, at least not until weve honored tradition, that is.

Before Joey even realized what was happening, he leaned in to kiss her.

The moment his lips actually made contact, she felt it like a stinging slap to the face, a violation of her entire being in that single, simple touch.

Nothing had ever felt so wrong.

All her distress and frustration of just moments before intensified into a smoldering ball of fury in the pit of her stomach, and she pulled back without thinking, clenching her hand into an angry fist, and threw a punch that connected so solidly with his jaw he actually stumbled backwards and almost fell.

Eddie caught himself, however, his eyes wide with shock, and brought his hand to his mouth.

What the hell was that for? It was just mistletoe! He gasped, pointing up.

Glancing up, Joey saw the small swag of greens adorned with red velvet ribbons hanging from the wood molding on top of the doorway above them. Lowering her eyes back to Eddie, her dark orbs widened in mortification to see that his lip was now bleeding, having probably caught the skin on the sharp edge of her ring.

Oh, God, she frowned, bowing her head to dig through her bag, realizing she overreacted. Youre going to need to put something on that.

She dug out a small plastic travel case of diaper wipes she always carried with her, handing it to him uncertainly.

Do you want me to get you some ice?

Eddie sort of smirked, holding up his rock glass as the melted cubes clinked against the side. All set, thanks.

But he took one of the wipes she offered, using it to gingerly dab at his cut lip.

Joeys eyes darted apprehensively around at the people mingling in the bar near them, but when she received no shocked or intrigued stares in return she breathed a small sigh of relief, grateful the incident had gone practically unnoticed.

Ow, Eddie frowned, dabbing at his lip again as he regarded her reproachfully. Why the violence?

Look, Im sorry, I just, she stumbled over her response and then sighed as she admitted, I guess Ive been a little on edge lately.

What have you got to be on edge about? Eddie looked confused as he shrugged and mumbled. I thought you had, like, the perfect life.

Joey regarded him strangely, recalling no such claim made in his presence.

Thats what I hear everybody at your office saying, anyway, he offered rather begrudgingly.

Yeah, well, she glanced away. Perfect in its imperfections, perhaps.

What do you mean? Eddie moved from the hallway to the bar area as he spoke, slumping down into a seat at a nearby unoccupied table.

Joey hesitated, pursing her lips thoughtfully, and then trailed after him to pull another chair out, sitting across the table from him.

A loud and boisterous group standing a few feet away broke into rounds of raucous laughter, and Joey waited until they had quieted down some to speak.

Sometimes, II do think about what would have happened, she began tentatively. If I made that trip to Europe with you.

Eddie only narrowed his gaze curiously from across the table, his mouth slightly open as he held the baby wipe against his lower lip.

But, she sighed as she continued, realizing there was some part of her that needed to tell him this. That needed to say it out loud. The reasons that held me back from making that decision werent what you may have believed them to be at the time. I know you thought I was afraid to take a chance without regard to the consequences, too scared to meet life head on

She paused, lowering her eyes back to the table.

Only I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, her voice softened, It would have only been me running away from my life. Not meeting it.

She lifted her gaze to meet his again.

See, I wasnt ready for some of the things life had in store for me back then, but I eventually realized that if I was ever going to be ready, I would have to find my own way, in my own time.

I saw Europe, Eddie, she smiled almost wistfully. The Eiffel tower, the London bridge, the plaza San Marco in VeniceI saw it all, and it was amazing, and Im never going to forget it. You thought that was the way I wanted it to be, on my own terms. But it was actually the way I needed it to be. For menot me and someone else. It can be scary, and it can be lonely and it can seem dauntingthats what growing up is really all about. She paused. And no one else can do it for you.

You make that journey, and sometimes you walk, other times you run, she laughed sadly, and every so often you stumble and fall. But you have to find what your life will be - where it will be - on your own. And, its only when you get there that you realize-

Her voice caught and she had to wait a moment to continue.

Well, that all you had to do was look inside your heart. And it was there all along.

Eddie only lowered his gaze to stare in his glass of scotch.

Before I married Pacey, Joey admitted in a soft voice, I used to think it was too hard to take the risk to really love him, because I was so afraid of the potential for losing him. And then, when we had kidswell, sometimes I feel like, the more I love my family, the more I lose a part of myself to them, so that Im somehow less than I used to be

Her voice trailed off as she frowned, swallowing back the tears that swelled in her throat again.

I dont know, she shrugged helplessly. Decisions, conflicts, choicesI used to be so worried that one false move had the ability to somehow ruin my whole life. And now, the life I have with my husband, the one I see every time I look at Emma and Jakeit isnt always easy, and its certainly not perfect. In fact, she raised her eyebrows in appreciation, its the scariest thing Ive ever done, or ever will do.

Eddie looked up again, watching her with an expression that almost looked like he was about to smile, and that fact surprised him more than anyone.

But I guess thats how you know its real. She took a deep breath to continue, her voice steadier, more certain, when she continued. And I wake up every morning, and I still would choose my life, this path, all over againno matter how bad it might have gotten the day before, or how far off path from the happy ending it may seem to be. Yet its the one choice I never have to question. She held his gaze, lowering her voice with importance. Do you understand what I mean?

Yeah, he replied quietly, and did smile this time. Yeah, I think I do.

Im sorry again, Joey wrinkled her forehead in concern as she slung her bag over her shoulder and moved to stand up. I hope your lip is okay. She glanced down at her wristwatch. And you should probably think about getting that cab to the airport soon.

Are you leaving? He watched her without moving from his seat.

Yeah, she smiled as she turned to get her coat. I have somewhere I have to be, too.


~*~


Emerging from the kitchen of the restaurant, Pacey wandered out into the empty dining room area, needing to take a break from the manual labor for a while. Letting out a weary sigh, he leaned back to partially sit, resting against one of the few tables left in the room.

He lifted his hand to rub at his tired eyes with a muffled yawn, operating on only a few hours sleep, having been here working since the crack of dawn and feeling like he had neither the energy nor the strength to continue right now.

Glancing up to stare blankly out the windows at the stark glare of the snow-covered streets, he became lost to his thoughts a while. Then, suddenly, he caught a brief glimpse of movement on the sidewalk directly out front. His face softened in surprise and something else as he watched her turn the corner to stroll up the front walk to the entrance.

Her hands were buried in the pockets of her long wool coat, which she wore over a pair of slim jeans and turtleneck sweater, and her head was bowed a little so he couldnt really see her face, strands of her long chestnut hair swept in his way by the winter winds coming in off the harbor.

Seeing her, in this moment when he wasnt expecting her, it was as if it became apparent she was what his eyes had been aching for.

Just like touching her was always, always a reminder of what his body was longing for.

The sound of the front door creaking open echoed through the empty shell of a restaurant, and then there were the sounds of her leather boots scuffing and crunching over the debris littering the floors.

She wandered into the dining room, her hands still in the pockets of her coat as she surveyed the extensive damages with wide, dark eyes, taking it all in. The walls gutted, carpets ripped up, hardwood floors torn apart.

Pacey gazed around as well, releasing a quiet, sad sigh as he chewed distractedly on the inside of his bottom lip. For that brief moment, it was like he was just now seeing it all for the first time, too. Through her eyes.

She reached the middle of the room and finally turned to face him where he sat, just the very outermost corner of her mouth curving up as she shrugged her shoulders.

I like what youve done with the place.

Pacey only dropped his head with a wry chuckle as she walked over to him.

She hesitated when she was standing right in front of him, and he slowly reached out for her, pulling her in as close as possible between his legs. Bowing his weary head, he rested it against her chest and slid his hands inside her coat to travel over her, smoothing up the backs of her thighs to the curve of her ass, finally wrapping his arms tight around her waist.

Draping her arms around his shoulders, Joey slid her hands up to bury her fingers in the back of his short hair, kissing the top of his head.

And Pacey just closed his eyes and held on.


~*~


They stood at the sink, helping to load the dishwasher and clean up from the dessert and coffee theyd had at the B&B. Earlier, they had Christmas Eve dinner at Paceys parents house, and before that had been over Doug and Jacks all day with the kids, playing in the snow before putting them in sleds to walk downtown to the shops and see Santa No.357 off on his annual trip around the world.

The night before had been Gales annual Christmas party, and the night before that theyd volunteered to make the drive up to Boston to pick Dawson and his new girlfriend up at the airport, staying to have dinner at a little place in the North End before driving them back down the Cape.

God, I just know Alexanders going to be up at the crack of dawn, Bessie lamented as she wandered in from the living room with the mugs the kids had used for hot chocolate before they went to bed. Hes been so excited about getting those new skis. Its all hes talked about. He has that ski trip with school coming up in a couple of months.

Joey and Pacey both smiled as they took the mugs from her to rinse and place them in the dishwasher, only meeting each others gaze for a second, all that was needed to allow years worth of memories to pass between them.

Bodie strode into the kitchen right after her, chuckling a little bit to himself under his breath.

Hey, Bess, he called over to her, I forgot to show you this thing one of the cooks brought to the Christmas party we had down the restaurant.

They all glanced over as he placed a baseball cap on his head outfitted with a small bendable wire to which a small swag of mistletoe was attached, leaving it out there to dangle above his head.

Very cute. Bessie rolled her eyes with a smirk that softened into something else right before Bodie leaned down to kiss her.

Pacey dropped his head with a halfhearted smile, glancing up at Joey as he passed her a dish, meeting her gaze almost shyly.

Bodie made a loud comical smacking sound as he broke away from Bessie to pull the hat off his head, and her tired laughter slowly drifted off into a yawn.

Bess, why dont you go to bed already, Joey admonished her softly, placing a handful of silverware in the dishwasher rack. Weve got this.

MmmI am, I am, she agreed, rubbing at her eye. Just as soon as I put out Alexanders gifts from Santa.

Joey paused, and everyone in the kitchen glanced at Bessie and then at each other.

Yes, Bodie informed them in a matter-of-fact tone, his grin hovering, She is well aware of the fact Alexander no longer believes in Santa Claus and no, she doesnt care, thank you very much.

Thats correct, Bessie nodded her head in agreement before placing her hand on his arm. Can you help me with this?

You got it, he followed her out of the kitchen, just as Joey placed the last plate in the dishwasher.

Ive got that dollhouse out in the back of Dougs truck, Pacey spoke up quietly once they were alone, busy wiping down the counter. Plus a bunch of other stuff. Ill go get it now.

Okay, Joey agreed with a nod of her head, smiling as she folded her arms across her chest. She was asking how Santa always knows to find her here at Christmas, instead of in New York.

His back was turned but she heard the smile in his voice. And what did you say?

That Santa knows home is wherever were all together.

You think youre so smart, dont you? He turned to hold her gaze a beat with a teasing grin before continuing his cleaning.

She smiled as well before she glanced around the kitchen, seeing if theyd left any dishes or glasses behind, her eyes eventually falling on the baseball cap adorned with mistletoe that Bodie had left on the kitchen table.

Rubbing her hands over her arms, feeling a slight chill, she returned her gaze to Pacey.

Hey, um, Pace? You remember I told you about my Christmas party at work? She began tentatively.

Yeah.

Having finished cleaning, he turned to give her his full attention, tilting his head to fix his expectant blue eyes on her.

Well, um, she frowned, considering her words. Eddie Doling made an appearance there. And we talked for a while.

She paused, waiting for a response.

Yeah, Pacey repeated in the exact same tone of voice, though his eyes visibly darkened.

There was mistletoe hanging in a doorway at the place. She held his gaze, nervous to continue but at the same time scared to death not to.

A momentary burst of anger or jealousy, even a fight right now, was less damaging to them than what could happen if they ever reached that point where they would begin to intentionally keep things from one another. No matter how trivial.

So, he kissed me - because of the mistletoe. I misunderstood and got angry. But it wasthat was it.

She finished quietly, hearing Bessie and Bodie returning to the living room with armloads of wrapped gifts.

And I wanted you to know that.

Paceys expression seemed to crumble as he lowered his eyes to the floor, leaving behind only a blank wall.

Because I couldnt bear you not knowing something like that, she amended in a broken whisper.

Do you guys need tape or anything?

Bessie was suddenly there in the kitchen doorway, glancing between them, and Joey almost had to laugh at the unintended irony, even as she felt her eyes begin to water. If it could only be that simple to fix the tear between them, this rip in the fabric of who they were.

I think were all set, Joey replied.

Well, Ill leave it out. Theres wrapping paper on the top shelf in the closet here in the hall, she covered a yawn again, And Im going to bed.

Bodie appeared behind her resting his hands on her shoulders. Night, guys.

Well see you in the morning, Joey managed a smile.

Yeah, um, Pacey lifted his head as he cleared his throat, sounding distracted. Goodnight.

Joey watched them walk away a moment before she turned to face Pacey in the empty kitchen.

His brow was furrowed, and he didnt meet her eyes as he moved to leave the room. I should get those presents out of the car.

Arent you going to say anything? She pleaded with him softly.

What the hell can I say, Jo? His tone rose sharply as he raised his hands helplessly, even as he kept his voice hushed to maintain privacy. Its done, its over, it happened. Nothing I do or say right now is going to change that.

Joey only stood there as he brushed past her, realizing he was right.

She finally took a deep shaky breath to move, wandering out into the living room, the tiny twinkling colored lights of the tree blurred to kaleidoscope effects in her teary vision. She sniffed away the tingling, stinging sensation in her nose when she heard the front door open behind her, refusing to let any fall.

Pacey quietly stamped the snow from his work boots, bringing in the cool wintry air with him, walking past her to with a few wrapped presents piled on top of an oversized brown cardboard box.

Ill get the rest, she murmured quietly as she watched him place them on the floor near the base of the tree, turning away to head to the room they were all staying in.

The door was open a crack and she slipped inside as quietly as possible, using the light that spilled down the hall from the bathroom to find the suitcase that secretly held their presents. She paused to check on Jake, sleeping in Alexanders old crib that Bodie had set up for them, and then glanced at Emma, her dark hair spread across the pillow, her small form visible under the blankets in the middle of the king-sized bed.

She brought her half of the presents out to the living room and they placed the festively wrapped packages under the tree in near silence.

Pacey was resting on his knees and turned to pull the huge cardboard box over.

You think we should just put this one out unwrapped? He suggested uncertainly.

Yeah, lets do that, Joey agreed with a sigh. Well just set it up here so its the first thing she sees.

He quietly ripped the masking tape from the box, and Joey moved to assist him, holding the box down while he removed the dollhouse, Styrofoam balls of packing material spilling out with it like commercialized snow.

Joeys eyes drifted over it as he set it up beneath the fir tree branches, noticing the real wood shingles and detailed shutters and tiny window boxes, its intricate gingerbread Victorian design reminiscent of the old houses shed always loved on Marthas Vineyard.

Its beautiful, Pace, she smiled softly.

Think shell like it? He asked hopefully, sitting back to gaze at it as well.

I think shell love it, she assured him.

They were quiet a moment, both gazing at the tree and both feeling the tension, not only of the strain of irritation brought on from their discussion of only moments before but a whole other kind of tension as well.

This one traveled between them like an electric current in this close proximity, their arms brushing against each other every so often as they placed gifts under the tree, this being only the second occasion theyd been alone together with any measure of privacy since that morning hed gotten in a cab to leave New York.

Pacey was the first to break the silence, bowing his head but not meeting her eyes.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, she glanced at him hesitantly. Of course.

Did you he paused, the corners of his mouth dipping down into a frown as he stared at the floor, seeming to be struggling with something. Did you want to tell me that because you felt like you had something to clear off your conscience?

With that, he lifted his somber, questioning blue eyes to hers and Joey understood exactly in that moment what he was asking. What he needed to know.

She shook her head slowly as she held his gaze, her voice definitive. No.

Pacey stared at her a long moment, the emotions she saw in his eyes reminding her of how the sun and sky can play across the oceans surface, changing hues and light and depth, before his gaze drifted down to her mouth.

Joeys lips parted softly, invitingly, physically aching for him by this point, and he seemed to lean closer but then he was moving to stand up from the floor, offering her a hand.

Cmon, was all he whispered, but Joey heard so much more in his voice.

She took his hand, letting him help her up, but he didnt release his light grip as he then led her over towards the door.

His insulated winter coat was hanging on a hook and he dropped her hand briefly to reach for it, holding it out to help her into it instead of putting it on himself.

Glancing back once in the direction of the downstairs bedroom where the kids were sleeping soundly, he opened the door and took her hand again to lead her outside.

When she first stepped outside the warmth of the house, the thin, sharp wind almost hurt her lungs, already breathless with anticipation. The entire yard was blanketed in a thick coating of white snow; the frosted pine branches that bordered it dipping down low, heavy with its weight.

As Pacey led her down the steps of the porch and along the shoveled path to the driveway, the blue-black sky above them sparkled down with icy stars, reflections of moonlight on the snow making it seem as it the landscape had been sprinkled in silver glitter, the peacefulness of this winter night surrounding them.

Do you think theyll be okay? He asked as he reached into the back pocket of his jeans for the set of keys Doug had lent him.

Joey hesitated as she watched him open the passenger side door to the truck, her whole body shivering, although she wasnt so sure it was from the cold.

They were asleep when I checked on them. She nodded quickly. They had a long day.

He went to help her into the seat, but then paused; tightening his grip gently on her arm to hold her there, draw her back.

Joey slowly turned to face him, lifting her eyes to his, their faces partially lit by the illuminating effects of the moonlight and snow. Pacey held her gaze as he brought his hands to her cheeks, cupping her face as he stroked the pad of his thumb tenderly over her bottom lip.

Pace, her voice trembled, Kiss me, plea-

Her words were lost as his lowered his mouth to hers, capturing her lips in a kiss that was both gentle and scorching, a warm rush of honeyed heat that traveled all the way to the tips of her toes, melting her on the spot. Lifting her hands to his broad shoulders, she returned the kiss with an eager passion, moaning softly into his mouth as their tongues finally met and began their familiar dance.

Pacey roughly pulled her away from the door without breaking the kiss, shutting it behind her to instead open the back door of the SUV. Reluctantly pulling apart, he helped her into the seat, hopping in right after her to close the door behind them.

They came together in an instant, urgent, desperate kisses punctuated by murmurs of lust and desire, making out and fumbling with clothes in the back seat as if theyd just been transported back fifteen years.

His hands were inside the coat, under her shirt, his lips on her neck as he cupped her breasts, teasing the hard nubs of her nipple that poked through the satin material of her bra. She gasped, forced to pause in her efforts to tug his flannel shirt from his jeans as the sensation rocked through her, having gone without his touch for so long.

And, as much as they both knew there was so much they needed to sit down and talk about, right now in this moment there was nothing else in the world they needed more than this.

Moving to straddle him, needing to feel him and taste him and see him, she thrust her hips forward against the hard bulge of his erection and he brought his hands to her ass to hold her there, his low groan racing down her spine.

Their mouths met again, tongues sliding hungrily against each other, their hands pausing for just a brief moment as they both moaned and reveled in the simple passion of only the slow, fevered kiss. But then he was unfastening her jeans, pushing them down over her slender hips along with her panties.

Joey stilled and tensed, waiting for him to touch her, to feel him, but let out a quiet sound of surprise as he somehow flipped her off his lap in his strong arms instead. He eased her down flat against the seat, and she could feel his body as he moved over her almost predatorily, every muscle tight and rigid with want and need.

He tugged her jeans down and all the way off along with her boots, then smoothed his large hands up and down her bare legs as if trying to keep her warm, although Joey felt like she was going to spontaneously combust with her rising heat. She watched as he propped one foot on the truck floor for balance, the other knee nudging apart her legs and bowed his head to unzip his own jeans.

He shoved them past his hips, following them with his boxers, his rigid erection so hard it brushed against his lower stomach. Joey pressed the soles of her feet to the seat, opening her legs wider as he positioned himself over her in the awkwardly cramped space, lowering his lips to hers.

She reached one hand down between their half dressed bodies as they kissed, wrapping her hand around his thick width, the velvety skin burning and pulsing under her touch. Filled with such an intense, overwhelming need for him to be inside her in that moment, tears actually sprung to her eyes.

Her mouth fell open, her wide dark eyes on him as he pulled back from the kiss to stare down at her a moment with his hot, intense gaze. Lifting his hips, his cock slid down and he pressed the tip against her tight entrance, pushing into her, holding her gaze almost questioningly.

Joey was only capable of nodding her head mindlessly as he slid in slowly, taking his time. She arched her back for more, and he thrust deep in one smooth, fluid motion, surrounding himself in all her heat, her wet muscles clenching down all around him.

Joey moaned, writhing, her hips instinctively lifting off the backseat as he continued to push deeper inside her, penetrating her rosy flesh again and again, her body shivering against his with each stroke, begging silently for more. The hard wall of his chest crushed down against her breasts and he slid his hand to the curve of her ass to lift her higher, changing the feel of him inside her, reaching that one spot that sent her soaring heavenward.

Her fingernails dug into his shoulders through the material of his shirt, hands clenching at his short dark hair at the nape of his neck as she let out a succession of quiet cries, wrapping her long legs around him to dig the heels of her feet into his firm ass, urging him deeper. Pacey shuddered with a low groan, his hips moving instinctively now that he was buried inside her, and she moved her body in unison with his as they found their rhythm.

"Joey," he whispered her name fervently, like a prayer, broken and shattered as he drove himself into her, and the tension building inside her slowly uncoiled in a liquid rush, the tight yet gentle explosions coursing along the length of his cock.

She gasped and cried out almost silently as she came all around him, and he buried his face in her neck as he thrust even harder, pounding into her with a low groan of release.

He continued to move his hips, gradually slowing his strokes, his warm, shaky breath on her neck as she blinked her eyes open. She whispered his name as if in a trance, her mind as fogged as the windows of the truck with the steam of their rushed and secret tryst.

Pacey lifted up on taut arms just enough to meet her eyes, still hard inside her, the midnight blue depths filled with so many unreadable emotions in the dark. His lips lingered above hers, his gaze locked on her eyes as he threading the silky tresses of her hair spread out across the seat through his fingers, stroked his thumb across her cheek, wiping away the tears she didnt even realize were there.

He leaned down to kiss her tenderly, his warm breath parting her lips on the words, his voice husky with emotion.

"I love you, Jo. Nothing else matters."

And, even with all the things still left unsaid, nothing else ever felt so right.


~*~

Chapter Nine


~*~


Joey adjusted her cashmere scarf, tucking it into the collar of her coat and bowing her head as she traveled the sidewalk in long strides, attempting to out-walk the chilly velocity of the January wind. Glancing up, she caught a quick glimpse of the white glow of the frozen sun, framed in rooftops, the pale gray of the sky blending colors with the asphalt beneath her feet. In a few hours only the very tops of these tall buildings would be washed in its bleak winter rays, the sidewalks in shadow, black with nightfall by the time she finished up at the office.

She took a deep breath of the icy air; her shoulders rigid as she burrowed her gloved hands a little deeper in her coat pockets, seeking warmth and reconsidering that taxi ride she could have caught only minutes ago. The cold didnt bother her much, however. She was used to it, having grown up in the sometimes near-arctic conditions one could experience as a New Englander. Her body was acclimated to it by now. It was in her blood.

Besides, she loved to walk in New York. It was one of her favorite parts of living in the city, and really the only way she knew of to get the full experience. She used to walk everywhere: the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Washington Square, Zabars, Trinity Church, the Brooklyn Bridge, the art galleries in Chelsea, the Stuart Little pond Emma loved to visit in Central Park so much. The subway system finally made sense to her, and she could travel the tangled web of meandering, unnumbered side streets in the Village with her eyes closed.

She loved it here. To lose herself in it and be a part of it all at the same time. It was almost like the city was another living being, one she met as a complete and foreign stranger and now knew as one of her closest friends.

Henry James once called New York the best imitation of Paris that can be found. Maybe that was true a little bit for her, and it was why she was so drawn here after college. She remembered once, a very long time ago, Jen had predicted this would be where Joey would find herself, and even called it her finishing school. And maybe that was true a little bit, too.

New York helped her to finally grow up.

But she supposed there was also a reason a different reason - she was most often drawn to places like the South Street Seaport, as if she were just another sightseeing tourist, and took some strange comfort in knowing there were boats and water and seagulls right beyond the wall of skyscrapers on this concrete island.

Because, while growing up most often means moving forward, it doesnt necessarily mean you completely leave behind who you are.

She saw the familiar domed awning of the restaurant come into view, and veered out of the pedestrian traffic to descend the short flight of cement steps, the potted shrubberies and topiary trees that lined her way sprinkled with tiny white artificial lights.

Once she stepped inside the foyer of the cozy restaurant, the hostess almost immediately led her over to a table in the corner of the dining room where Marit and Celia were sharing a pot of tea. They both stood up to greet her with kisses, laughing at how cold her pink frosted cheeks were.

Shrugging off her coat to take a seat with them, she smiled her thanks as Marit poured her some tea, and breathlessly answered their tag-teamed questions about Pacey and Emma and Jake and the surprise party, both of them having had to miss the festivities due to a shared bout with the flu.

Aw, Im glad he had fun. He deserves it after all he went through this year, poor guy, Celia sighed sincerely as she sipped her tea.

Yeah, I think it was just what the doctor ordered, Joey nodded absently in agreement, wrapping her hands around the delicate china cup as she watched the wisps of steam curl in the air.

She paused, pursing her lips a moment before she lifted her gaze back to their faces.

So, Im going to be giving my notice to Eileen this week, she took a deep breath before the rest of her words tumbled out, Were in the process of looking for a house in Capeside - we have a real estate guy there helping us out - and were putting the apartment on market.

Both of them only gave her identical stares with surprised, round eyes - one pair a deep greenish-brown and the other a washed-denim blue.

Marit then shook her head as if coming out of a trance. I thought you told me last week it was the restaurant in Capeside that went on the market?

Change of plans, Joey shrugged simply as she lifted her tea to her lips. Paceys not selling. And were moving.

Oh. Marit sat back in her chair, placing her teacup on its dish with a soft clink and clatter, her eyes lowering to the linen tablecloth. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I always thought that would be a possibility for you two, but I cant believe youre really leaving New York. She brought her gaze back to Joey. Im so sad. How can you give this all up?

Yeah Joey sighed in only vague acknowledgment, the lines in her forehead creasing with some consternation as she realized her cheeks felt burnt, but it was no longer from the frozen winter wind.

I can only imagine what Eileen is going to say, Marit let out a soft disbelieving laugh. Last time I talked to her she was raving about how wonderful it was to have you back. She tilted her head curiously. Where are you going to be working? At one of the publishing houses in Boston?

Um, as of right now, Im not quite sure, Joey replied carefully, feeling oddly embarrassed to admit this to someone whose career success she so admired. I havent really got anything in the way of a new job yet. Thats next on my list.

I wouldnt be surprised if Eileen tried to make an offer you couldnt refuse, Marit smirked.

Im afraid this one isnt really open to negotiation, Joey shook her head, bracing her shoulders. Its the best thingfor the kids, for Pacey, for all of us.

Yeah, Marit shrugged and smiled in faint amusement. So, now you can settle into the peaceful and stress-free world of packing and moving, relocating 200 miles, fixing up a house, finding a job

Joey gave her a heavy-eyed look - but their friendship was the type that allowed for brutal honesty some of the time, and encouraged gentle sarcasm most of the time. Gee, thanks.

Oh, damn it all to hell, Marit finally lifted her linen napkin to dab at her thick eyelashes. Youre leaving us and I think Im getting a little verklempt. She pushed back her chair with a hollow laugh. Im just going to run to the ladies room.

Okay, Joey smirked sadly, watching her go, the first friend shed made in the publishing world, and her oldest friend in New York.

After Jen died, and Joey had to initially return to New York alone (having just reunited her past to her future and reintroduced her head to an old acquaintance known as her heart), Marit showed up on her apartment doorstep with two bottles of wine and a sympathetic ear. She sat and held Joeys hand until almost two oclock in the morning, only listening as Joey worked through everything that had happened to her in that trip back to Capeside - friendships and loves, losses and gains, her despair and her joy, her hopes and her fears. And, although it was unlike her, Marit never even really offered advice or opinion, seeming to sense that Joey just had to work through it all on her own, even just to say it all out loud in order to process it all.

She helped her more than she would ever know, was one of the few people who really understood her and now she would be yet another thing Joey would be leaving behind in New York. Another friend lost.

Shell be fine, Celia finally spoke in soft reassurance.

I know, Joey sighed, lowering her gaze to her tea as she traced the rim of the china cup with her index finger. Shes right, though. This isnt exactly a minor life adjustment. And, in all honesty, I have no idea if a job comparable to the one I have now even exists back there.

Celia was quiet for just a minute before she spoke again.

You know, I havent spoken to my parents since Christmas, she paused and made a small sound like a laugh, although one filled with infinite sadness, of 1999, that is.

Joey looked up slowly, her lips parting in mild surprise as she watched her.

Thats the day I told them I was in love, Celia explained, and that Id found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Only that someone was another woman. They said if that was really how I was going to choose to live my life, with Marit, that I should leave their house. Her voice faltered slightly. And that I shouldnt ever come back.

Joeys eyes darkened with sympathy, feeling the pain in her words.

Sometimes, the sacrifices you make seem so great, so scary, Celia continued with a sigh. Like its too much to give up, and you might never recover from the loss. And you have to ask yourself, is it really worth it? But I finally realized, if my mom or dad ever did pick up the phone to call me, to even just ask How are you, Celia? Hows your life?, she shrugged as her eyes watered, If I wasnt with Marit, if I didnt have her, what would there really be to tell?

Joey reached across the table to offer Celia her hand in a comforting gesture.

Whatever, whomever makes your heart happy, Celia took her hand and squeezed it with a weepy smile, Thats where your life is. Its the only thing thats truly worth anything, so no sacrifice to find that one thing can be too great or too small - because theres no way to measure it.

Joey nodded slowly, returning the smile as her own eyes blurred, stinging at the very outermost corners.

You have something so worth it, Joey. And youre right to do whatever you think you have to in order to take care of that, and protect it.

Thats when Joey realized, as much as she would always love New York, her heart already lived somewhere else.

She just had to have faith it was going to find its way home.


~*~


Dipping the plate in her hand under the running faucet, Joey watched the water cascade over its stoneware surface, creating small waterfalls in the sink before she bent over to place it in the dishwasher. She turned off the water, pausing a moment in the sudden quiet of the kitchen to catch the faint murmur of Paceys voice from the end of the hall where he was reading Emma a book.

It was one of the rare evenings when she was actually there in time to eat dinner with them, and Pacey didnt have to then rush out the door to cover a bar shift until two in the morning. It actually felt a little strange, as if operating on opposite pistons for so long had made them forget their own rhythm. But, then again, Joey felt strange in general, a vague feeling of unease and uncertainty settling in her stomach.

Just as she was beginning to fully embrace the idea of leaving the city to try to find a life together in a real house, back in Capeside, once again the figurative rug had sort of been pulled out from under them.

Their property search through Jacks friend Aidan had started with the Victorian cottage that had jumped off the page at Joey that same night she and Pacey made the decision. They had enough personal familiarity with various neighborhoods in Capeside to appreciate the locale, and then Bessie and Bodie checked it out, followed by Jack and Doug, all calling from their cell phones and raving excitedly about how perfect it was.

For a moment, Joey really thought it might be that easy. She actually started to get a small feeling of happy anticipation, as if the house had been meant for them. But, as nothing could ever quite work out according to plan, they got outbid on their offer by another potential buyer at the very last minute. It was a small setback, but one that shook Joey a bit, having prepared herself that they were really going to do this.

They were still actively looking, of course, but the more time she had to dwell and analyze and ponder her life decisions never did her or her stomach any good.

What if Pacey was right and relocation did nothing to change their situation? Or, worse yet, what if it was too much of a change and caused things to deteriorate even more between them?

Hey.

She glanced over to see him emerge into the kitchen, making his way directly to the refrigerator to retrieve a bottle of water.

Hey. She watched him, pursing her lips thoughtfully. So, Im having lunch with Eileen tomorrow. Im going to tell her then, so she has plenty of notice to find someone to fill that editor position.

Okay, Pacey shrugged easily, his shoulders apparently not too burdened by this enormous weight, his whole being much more adaptable to change. It shouldnt be too long before we find something else we like, right?

Right, she replied quietly, turning away to start the dishwasher before she glanced back at him. So, nothing new from Aidan today?

Aidan had been sending them new property listings via e-mail as they came into his real estate office, but none had seemed quite right for them. Of course, that might have been due in part to the fact Joey had already gotten her hopes up once only to be disappointed. And, the fact that they had already sold the apartment and had to be out by the end of next month was hardly causing her any stress at all.

Nope, Pacey shook his head as he swallowed another gulp of water, but Ive got to pay some bills, so when I get on-line Ill check our e-mail again.

Bills? She frowned, confused, as it seemed to her shed just paid all the monthly bills recently.

It was a task, a chore, they both detested (and one Pacey claimed he was mathematically challenged and ill-equipped for, until Joey not-so-gently reminded him he took care of the finances at two different businesses simultaneously). So, in taking on their respective jobs, they finally decided the fairest way to go about it was for one to take the even months and the other the odds months. In that way, they could share the pain.

Yeah, well, it is the first of the February, Pacey sort of chuckled. But Ill gladly skip it, if youd rather. Though I dont exactly think this is the best time to be screwing with our credit.

Joey shook her head as she moved over to check the calendar hanging by the refrigerator, flipping the page up. Huhguess Im still thrown off by holidays.

On subject, we have Jakes birthday coming up soon, he reminded her. Did you decide what you wanted to do for that?

No, not yet, she replied distractedly, still studying the calendar.

All right, he sighed, placing the half empty water bottle down on the counter and moving over to rub her back, dropping a soft kiss on her shoulder as he departed. Im going to go do this.

Joey barely heard him, her throat going dry as she swallowed, counting the days over and over again, calculating the time, and then recalculating, the vague, unsettled feeling in her stomach intensifying to the point her insides began to swim in a turbulent storm of anxiety.

According to this, she was almost a week overdue for her period.


~*~


Pacey sighed, stretching out on the bed as he aimed the remote at the television, flipping through the various college games until he found one to hold his interest. It was a sort of lazy and gray Saturday afternoon, too cold for the park or even a walk, and Emma had eventually become so bored shed crawled onto her bed to play and fallen asleep not long after Jake went down for his midday nap.

Pacey had been on the phone a while with his manager, Brendan, discussing some matters related to the reopening of the Icehouse. As of right now, it was tentatively scheduled for the end of March, hopefully in time for Easter brunch reservations. But, now that hed finally hung up, he was thrown by how quiet the apartment seemed, wondering where Joey had disappeared to.

A moment later, that question was answered by the sound of running water coming from the bathroom, so he settled in, getting comfortable to watch the game and hoping that she might come in to join him before either of the kids woke up. One of his favorite things to do with her before parenthood came along was to simply hang out like this in the middle of the afternoon, watching a game with her curled up in the crook of his arm, using his chest as a pillow as she read a book or a manuscript for work.

Okay, maybe not his favorite thing to do with her in the middle of the afternoon, but a pretty damn close second. (And, besides, the thing that took the number one spot was actually more of an anytime-of-day-or-night favorite activity, so it wasnt really fair to compare.)

Paceys fingers tapped out a staccato rhythm on the plastic shell of the remote in his hand, unable to deny hed felt a certain sense of excitement, of anticipation, in talking with Brendan about the plans for the reopening, knowing that by then they might actually have a house in Capeside.

As much as he hadnt wanted to return to his hometown waving that figurative white flag over his head, he could not ignore the fact his life could very possibly undergo a dramatic change for the better. Even any long hours he had to devote to the restaurant (which would be unlikely with the self-sufficient staff hed had for years) wouldnt be the same, when hed be only five to ten minutes from his place of residence. He could actually manage the dinner shift and still run home to tuck his kids into bed and kiss them goodnight. He could oversee the daily operation of his business and still be available for his wife, to be there when she needed him

Yet, the easier and better Pacey imagined his life could be in Capeside, the more he worried about how the opposite might be true for Joey.

There was one seemingly indisputable fact that had plagued Pacey for many years now, and that was the fact Joeys pregnancy with Emma had turned out to be the motivating force that led her to actually plan and go through with a wedding, regardless of her previously accepting his proposal and the ring. While he didnt believe Joey Potter did anything against her free will, he still had to admit the unplanned pregnancy left an awfully big what if hanging over their heads.

Especially considering that the night he came back to the apartment to find her with that pregnancy test in hand, hed been out late drowning his sorrows in a few pints at his bar, defeated, telling Roscoe he was nearly convinced she was preparing to call the whole thing off.

So, the sad truth of the matter was that there was a small part of Pacey that had been existing in this marriage simply waiting for that inevitable other shoe to drop. And that was part of the reason for his initial resistance to the idea of moving back to Capeside.

Or, to be more accurate, part of the reason he was afraid to move Joey out of New York.

He never wanted her to ever regret the decision she made to marry him, and somewhere in the way back corner of Paceys mind (the place where those lingering insecurities hung out and sometimes had a few beers together for old times sake) he believed one way to insure she never had any regrets was to try to keep all major life upheavals to a bare minimum - as if he could tiptoe into her life as unobtrusively as possible to take that seat in the corner.

Of course, Emma and then Jake came along and kind of blew that brilliantly ill-conceived plan all to hell. But, while children obviously change everything, Pacey figured at least shed be able to maintain her career - once she went back to work, that is - and, more importantly, shed be able to maintain the life she loved and created for herself in New York, a place he knew she always wanted to be.

He just wanted to be part of her life, and wherever she was happy would be his home.

Uprooting her and bringing her back to Capeside with him, despite the fact the move had initially been her suggestion, might force her to some unwelcome kinds of realizations. This move and all it entailed had the potential to leave her with those dreaded regrets hed been trying so avoid, or worse yet had the potential to make her see it all as some big mistake.

When she admitted she had been feeling stuck, as much as Pacey could identify with what she meant based on his own experiences staying at home, he still felt it like a stab to his gut, the wound leaving him cold and drained. That was all those old insecurities needed to hear. And, who was to stay she wouldnt feel even more stuck once they got back to Capeside?

While he didnt doubt the sincerity of Joeys words to him the night they made that decision to move back, life had played far too many mean tricks on him for Pacey to ever place his blind trust in it again.

But, at the same time, he loved her too much not to have faith.

He heard the water in the bathroom shut off, and a few moments later Joey wandered into their bedroom wrapped in her fleece robe, just the ends of her long hair damp and curling around her shoulders.

She paused in slight surprise, obviously noticing the unfamiliar quiet. Are they both still napping?

Yeah, Pacey shrugged, sliding one hand under the hem of his t-shirt to rub his stomach as he watched her. I checked on them when I got off the phone and they were both still snoozing away in there.

Oh. She turned away towards her closet as if looking for clothes, but not before he saw that her face was pale, her mouth fixed in a tight line.

Jo? He frowned, his voice softening in concern. What is it? Are you okay?

She shook her head, tucking the strands of damp hair behind her ears. I just, um - I just got my period.

Pacey paused, knowing this wasnt exactly a reason to rejoice and celebrate, but still, as long as hed known her it was something she suffered through each month with relatively little complaint, only recalling a few mentions of discomfort or inconvenience here and there. So, he almost immediately sensed there was something more to it.

And? He prompted her quietly. You dont feel well, is that it?

No, she shook her head again. Reaching for the top drawer of her dresser, she pulled out a small flat white box as if in explanation. Its just that I guess I wont be needing this.

Pacey stared at the pregnancy test in her hand, momentarily elated, until her actual words sunk in. Wont be needing this.

Y-yo-you thought there was a need for that? He managed to stammer out.

Christmas Eve ring any jingle bells? She smirked over at him as she slipped into a pair of pink panties, tugging them up under her robe. I was a week late.

Oh, Pacey lowered his eyes, remembering. He cleared his throat, his tongue suddenly feeling thick with some unnamed emotion. Wow, well, umguess thats a relief, then, huh? He made a weak attempt at a laugh.

Joey slipped off the robe, pulling on a soft cotton shirt and glancing back at him over her shoulder as she buttoned it. Is that what you really think?

Huh? Pacey narrowed his eyes, still pensive, even more confused by her tone.

Are you really relieved? She turned to face him, striking a pose with her hip jutted out, like she did when they were still just kids and she was annoyed with him.

Arent you? He tried helplessly.

Exasperation cut into her words. Im asking you, Pacey.

He sighed heavily, tossing the remote aside as he swung his legs over to sit at the edge of the bed.

The one pregnancy they had ever really planned was the one they lost. Those had had been the only times in his life hed ever made love to her with the pure intention of getting her pregnant, and he would never forget how it felt to be inside her and know she was giving herself, her body, over to that possibility, putting her faith so completely in him, in them, and in their future as a family.

He felt that she lost some of that faith along with the miscarriage, and had pretty much reconciled himself to the fact they wouldnt ever try again, though he vowed he would never let her see his disappointment.

Then, he was almost equally as afraid to reveal the full extent of his joy when, months later, she ended up pregnant with Jake, seemingly out of the blue.

As much as he wished he could determine if her faith in them had been subsequently restored, to know what was going on in her head, he realized that hiding his own feelings in order to somehow protect hers was probably contributing to their issues of late.

He didnt want it to be easier not to talk. He didnt want that to happen to them. He wanted it to be open and honest and real, no matter how hard that was at times.

Well, he began carefully as he ran his hand over his hair, at first trying to give her the answers that seemed appropriate. I guess the timing of it couldnt be much worse, with everything we have going on right now. And, um, considering it was a bit of a shock here, and, ah

Her voice softened, pleading for the truth. Pace

He hesitated before his voice dipped softly, too.

Having had a moment to let it sink in, to know it was actually a possibility, he shrugged with an almost apologetic smile, I guess Im not so much relieved as disappointed. But just a little.

She lowered her eyes to the floor, wringing her hands together a moment, and when she spoke it sounded like it was coming from a very faraway place.

So, can I ask you something?

Yeah, he assured her, sensing an important shift in the conversation, Sure.

She raised her dark eyes to his. Why is it you never talk about the miscarriage?

His mouth fell open, though all he could get out was a whisper. What?

And here comes the hard part.

It happened, she gestured with a shaky hand, and you were there through it and you were there for me. But youve never said a word about it since.

Well, what do you mean? His chest felt tight as he watched her, remembering how broken she had been that day and how useless he was to put her back together. I didntI didnt think it was something you wanted to dwell on.

To dwell on? She let out a humorless snort of laughter. I wasnt expecting constant mourning butbut I wasnt expecting you to never show your feelings about what happened, he voice lowered, Never show them to me, that is.

Pacey shook his head as he tried to explain, I just thought youd been through enough, and you seemed to be dealing better and I guess I didnt want to be reminding you or

But it happened to you, too, she cut in quickly. It wasnt just about me. I felt like you shut me out of what you were feeling.

If I did that, Im sorry, he replied quietly, sincerely, before he hunched forward, dropping his gaze to the floor as he furrowed his brow. Maybe I felt guilty.

He glanced up, noticing the questioning look she was giving him, her arms folded across her chest expectantly.

Guilty because I was the one who kept pushing the issue, he explained as he held her gaze. Wanting to try for a second baby.

Her shoulders slumped a little and she cast her eyes down, her face registering some surprise.

And I was angry, he sat back to rub his hand over his face tiredly. I was angry that had to happen to you, because youd already had to experience losing your mother long before her time, when you were so young, he met her gaze again, and that wasnt fair. And it wasnt fair this happened. That you had to experience something like this, too. When some people never have to go through any of it.

She was staring at him, her dark liquid eyes shining brightly as her bottom lip trembled.

So, he sighed as he continued, his eyes traveling the room and his mind drifting back as he spoke, realizing hed never really told her any of this, I started to think that maybe you wouldnt have had to go through it if I hadnt pushed so hard for another baby after Emma. So, I was angryat everything and nothing. At life being unfair to you. Angry at myself, he shrugged. And I didnt want for you to have to deal with that on top of everything else you were going through, Jo. You didnt need my problems, too.

He went to meet her eyes again as he finished, and was slightly alarmed to see her shoulders were shaking with silent tears.

But I knew, she sniffed, glancing away to wipe at her eye, I felt it. And I thought you were angry at me.

What? Pacey choked out, aghast.

That morning, she swallowed, composing herself, you came into the kitchen to say goodbye before you left for the restaurant. Emma and I were sitting at the table having cereal. We were still in our pajamas, so you said you were glad to see I was taking it easy and not going for my run. But I explained I was only waiting for the trash collectors to finish up on the street. And you said you wished I wouldnt, that it didnt seem to you that could be good, running and pushing the stroller with Emma The tears started to flood her words. You didntit wasnt a fight or anything like that, but

Pacey closed his eyes with a pained sigh, and suddenly saw the scene as if it were yesterday. Finding them at the kitchen table on his way out to work, kissing Emma on top of the head, bending to kiss Joey goodbye, the brush of her lips, his thick dark hair curling around her fingertips as he bent his head to kiss her stomach

It was disturbing to think that a throwaway statement he barely even recalled, one small, inconsequential comment, could have such a monumental and detrimental effect on someone he loved.

When I had to then call you at the restaurant to tell you I started bleeding, she hiccupped softly, I just thought youthat you

That I what, Jo?

Ive been feeling like you blamed me for such a long time, she whispered hoarsely, like her throat was scorched. That I had the miscarriage because I wasnt being safe or careful or

Joey, noGod, no, Pacey jumped up from the bed, taking her gently into his arms, wanting to hold her close but needing to watch her face to make sure she understood. There was a point where I wished I had someone to blame, but it was never you. How could you even think that?

He tenderly brushed her hair back out of her wet eyes, sweeping his thumb along the dampness on her cheek, and then guided her over to sit on the edge of the bed, kneeling at her feet in front of her.

Listen to me, okay? He rested his hands on her bare thighs, tilting his head to keep eye contact. I was devastated when we got to the hospital and they couldnt find a heartbeat on the monitor that day, when they confirmed our worst fears. But, once that moment happened, there was nothing more important to me than you. He lifted his hand to her face as he leaned it to kiss her tears away. Nothing, Jo.

Pulling back to hold her gaze, he took both hers hands in his, intertwining their fingers in her lap. The way I look at it, if we had that baby, we wouldve never had Jake. And I cant imagine not having him. The corner of his mouth tugged up. He was meant for us.

But, he sighed and shook his head, even if we never had Jake, we would still have Emma. We would still be incredibly blessed.

And if we never had Emma, he whispered in that voice he reserved only for her. I would still have you. I would still have everything.

Teardrops spilled down her lashes and he wrapped his arms tight around her, holding her as close as possible, until he didnt know or care if it was her tears or his that dampened his cheeks.


~*~


Joey pushed through the apartment door, unzipping and kicking off her pointy-toed leather boots before shed even made in out of the front hall. Shrugging off her long coat, she draped it over the back of the living room couch as she followed their voices to the kitchen.

Oh, Jake, show Mommy! Emma instructed him excitedly from her seat at the table when Joey appeared in the doorway.

Joey glanced down to see Jake already in his pajamas, regarding her with a wide grin, his chubby hands gripping onto the chair seat for leverage as he stood up on the ceramic tiled floors. For one brief moment, he released his hold, standing there all on his own, teetering and wobbling to their applause and cheers.

Suddenly, his big blue eyes went completely round, startled as he began to tip backwards, scrambling to regain his hold, and Pacey deftly swooped in to catch him in one hand.

You got it there, little buddy? he chuckled, supporting him until he could grab the chair again.

Aw, my big boy, Joey stepped into the room, crouching down to gather him up in her arms, bouncing him in her embrace as he threw her arms around her neck in a return hug.

Have a seat, Pacey nodded towards one of the kitchen chairs as he moved over to the island countertop and she saw that there were a few cartons of ice cream lined up there, although she spied a covered plate on the stove, most likely the dinner she missed.

Ice cream in February? She arched an eyebrow skeptically.

Pacey only glanced back to give her a reproachful smirk, though his eyes conveyed only humor.

Sorry, she murmured contritely, trying not to smile. She turned her attention on Emma. So, this is a nice treat for dessert, huh?

Its a party, Emma informed her.

What kind of party? Joey smiled, playing along.

Pacey came over to the table, placing two bowl piled high with Rocky Road and Mint Chip down in front of them.

A the-people-who-outbid-us-had-their financing-fall-through-so-theyve-accepted-our-offer-instead-and-now-were-going-to-be-in-debt-the-rest-of-our-lives kind of party, he informed her quietly.

Joey glanced up him with eyes as round and wide as Jakes had been only minutes ago.

The house on Seaview Road?

Its oursif we want it, he nodded his head in affirmation, holding her gaze a beat as he smiled, joking. If we can afford it is another story altogether.

Joey could only lower her eyes to the floor, her mouth agape, her mind racing and she reached out to pull one of the bowls of ice cream closer.

Youre just going to have ice cream with no dinner, Mommy? Emma queried from across the table.

Thats nothing compared to the bottle of wine Mommy is going to finish off after that, Pacey mumbled under his breath, only loud enough for her to hear.

She glanced up at him, letting out a small laugh of disbelief and taking a deep breath at the same time.

I got my sunroom.

Yes, Paceys grin widened comically as he nodded his head, I know how much youve always wanted one.


~*~


Joey wandered into the kitchen, her heels clicking against the tile as she tilted her head to slip in her pearl earring.

They were having a party to celebrate the release of Eddies book tonight at one of the trendier clubs uptown, so she had pulled out her slim black cocktail dress, smiling in satisfaction as she slipped it over her head and it only light skimmed her hips, fitting her like a glove.

Pacey turned away from where he was making the kids dinner, and she feel the heat of his gaze flush her cheeks as it swept over her.

You enjoy torturing me, dont you?

He joked gruffly, but there was still that slight undercurrent of tension in the air.

It seemed that every time they tried to resolve an issue between them and file it away, it only revealed the next item waiting to be addressed in the pile.

Youre welcome to come with me, she sighed and shrugged helplessly, though secretly she had been hoping the dress would convince him. Kelsey said shed be more than willing to sit tonight. She could be over in five minutes.

Ah, he chuckled humorlessly, narrowing his eyes, I dont think you really want me to go to that party, Jo.

But I do, she insisted.

No, trust me, he lowered his voice ominously, drawing out each word as he repeated himself, You dont want me to go to that party.

I thought we were okay, she frowned, and lowered her own voice, with everything.

We are okay, he assured her, moving away from the stove to place his hands on her hips, sliding them up over the silky material of her dress to her waist. Me and youwere okay. Im just afraid how not okay he might be by the end of the evening if I go.

Joey only rolled her eyes a little with a sigh, wishing he could let this one thing go.

Well, I wont be late.

He bent his head to kiss her softly before he released her, his eyes taking in the dress one more time as he shook his head.

Dont worry, Ill wait up.

She reached the kitchen doorway, glancing back over her shoulder to meet his eyes with a small smile before she went to kiss Emma and Jake goodnight.

She took a cab to the office, asking the driver to wait as she ran into the lobby to meet Eileen, who would be attending the party with her, and bumped right into Sarah as she pushed through the heavy glass doors.

Oh, hi, Sarah blinked, looking surprised to see her, but Joey had been doing a lot of work out of the office lately, in the midst of preparing for their upcoming move.

When Joey first started back at the office, she had been so conflicted because she was beginning to feel like she was getting her life back. Yet, Pacey and the kids were her life, too. So how do you reconcile the two? Joey still didnt have all the answers, but she was going to try to find out. She was going to try to find that place where the balance was right for her - but she had already started measuring differently.

So, congratulations on the promotion, Joey smiled, making her best effort to sound happy for Sarah, who would now be taking the editors position that had been promised her, if she stayed.

Thanks, but I think we both know who wouldve been getting that promotion if you werent leaving, Sarah sort of smirked, echoing her thoughts.

And we both know who has it right now, Joey shrugged matter-of-factly, realizing it wasnt as difficult as she thought it would be.

Sarah smiled slowly, reluctantly, and then moved to walk away, lifting her hand in a small wave as she took a few steps towards the door.

Goodbye, Joey. Good luck with everything.

Bye, Joey returned the smile.

Okay, Eileen suddenly emerged from the elevator bank behind her, as polished and perfectly coiffed as ever. Ready?

Ready, she smiled and nodded her head.

The party was the typical catered affair with fancy appetizers, the dark room filled with literary types and semi-celebrities looking for photo-ops, the booze free-flowing along with the bullshit. Although Joey was assisting Eddie with signings at a table theyd set up to display copies of his novel, there really wasnt a lot of time for conversation between them, his attention pulled in twenty different directions.

Hed received some mixed reviews, but the positive far outweighed the negative, so he was being proclaimed a smashing success all the same. And Joey was happy for him, glad that hed achieved this goal of being published, remembering that day so long ago he set off to follow his dreams of a being a writer.

Feeling a little hungry, she wandered off to check out the silver platters of appetizers, thinking to herself how much she preferred Paceys version of each recipe as she sampled a few.

So, when you informed me last week you were leaving the publishing house, you sort of left out the part where you were leaving New York, as well.

Joey turned around quickly, surprised to see Eddie right there behind her.

Oh, yeah, she swallowed the bite of shrimp, wiping her fingers on a napkin. We bought a house. She paused. In Capeside.

Eddie smiled, nodding his head. Seems like a nice place to raise your kids. He shifted, glancing around the room as he continued. Well, despite the, um, fat lip, I wanted to let you know that it was really nice to see you again, Joey. He brought his eyes back to her. And I wanted to thank you for everything youve done for me, for my book. I dont know how I could ever repay you.

Joey smiled slowly, opening her mouth to reply, but suddenly his attention was being pulled away again, this time by an important book reviewer from The Times, an attractive woman who looked like she was interested in reviewing far more than just his book.

So, Joey changed what she was going to say, letting him go, and for the first time since Eddie Doling had suddenly reappeared in her life, the moment that passed between them seemed exactly right.

Bye, Eddie.

She watched him walk away, smiling absently to herself. Seeing Eddie again after all these years may have brought on a certain feeling of what if that Joey found to be unsettling in her present day life, but she realized now it was only because he reminded her, in a way, of what she envisioned her life would be like at nineteen. And how it turned out to be nothing like she imagined.

Which, as always, was a good and a bad thing.

Although, now she somehow felt her eyes were a little more open to all the good. Because there was an awful lot of it, just waiting for her to see it.

So, perhaps Eddie Doling already repaid the favor, without ever even knowing it.

Watching the lights of the city fly by outside her cab window later that evening, Joey couldnt help but wonder - if New York had been her imitation Paris, perhaps Eddie Doling had just been the best imitation of Pacey she could find at the time.

She could not deny there had been something familiar about Eddie when she was initially drawn to him, and there was something about him that she kept coming back to. But, there was also one thing that was missing with Eddie, something that was always there with Pacey.

The sense of being able to see a real future in his eyes, and the free-floating fear and anxiety that came with not being ready for that.

Maybe one of the scariest things about Pacey back then was the fact shed always managed to love him with all those darker, messier, more complicated parts of her heart. The parts you dont show everybody. And when you love someone that way, they can bring out issues in yourself that you maybe dont even want to acknowledge. She supposed there was some of that involved in her running from him all those years. Running from all the uncertainties and complications within herself.

What she saw in his eyes didnt match the vision she had for her own life at nineteen. It was too uncertain, too much of a risk for her to take then.

But Joey was beginning to learn that, to love someone in the way she loved Pacey, it didnt necessarily mean she could be certain about every aspect of him and her relationship with him, because it was always going to be full of surprises.

Back when they were just kids, before he ever broke her heart, she was able to better recognize that she and Pacey had something special and lasting because they were able to grow up together, to evolve with each other and challenge each other and inspire each other. She was never stuck in one place with Pacey for very long, so she had to have some faith that they were going to find their way back.

To Capeside, to home and to each other.

The cab pulled up in front of her building and she paid her fare and climbed out of the back seat, quickly jogging up the cement steps of her apartment building with keys in hand. She glanced over as she unlocked the door, noticing Mrs. Petershams curtains move, obviously indicating the old busybody was, as always, on watchful alert for all comings and goings.

Unable to resist, and emboldened by the fact she knew her face was partially hidden in evening shadows, Joey promptly scrunched up her nose and stuck out her tongue, having wanted to do that for as long as they lived here.

When she got up to their apartment on the second floor, she opened the door to find the living room crowded with an obstacle course of cardboard boxes. Stepping over them and around them as she shrugged off her coat, she finally found Pacey in the kitchen with more boxes, half the cabinets bare and the counters cleaned of items.

Wow, she glanced around appreciatively. You got a lot done tonight.

Eh, I got a burst of energy after you left, he shrugged his shoulder dismissively. How was the thing?

It was good. The usual meet and greet, Joey smiled as she made her way over to him for a kiss.

She knew how he operated by now, and that these burst of nervous energy most often came about when he was experiencing some kind of agitation, most likely due to the fact she had to attend this party tonight.

So, Joey gazed around once again, were really moving, huh?

Yep, looks that way, He narrowed his eyes slightly, as if studying her. So, I guess this would be your last chance to jump ship.

While she knew he was joking, Joey also caught the slight change in his tone, and heard the unspoken question behind his words.

I have generally found that decisions made by following my heart, she informed him, Have never led me wrong yet. And this time, she cracked a grin, I even packed a toothbrush and clean underwear.

Oh, he slipped his arm around her, pulling her close as he bent his head to murmur his reply into a kiss, but you were so cute when you were dirty.

Joey laughed, murmuring her approval as he deepened the kiss just a little, melting into his embrace, but then he abruptly released her, pulling away to place an empty box in her hands

You, mdear, can take the cabinet right over there.

She smirked at him in mild annoyance before turning away to help with the packing.

As she pulled ceramic coffee mugs off the cabinet shelf she hesitated, her eyes drawn to the glittering lights of the city visible from the kitchen window.

The first time she ever saw New York was with Jen, and through someone elses eyes. And it turned out to be exactly as her father described: a city where everything's moving all the time at this constant driving pace, like a living organism, breathing and changing

Lowering the mugs in her hand to the counter, she turned her gaze from the window to watch Pacey, the hard lines of his lean muscles stretched under the fabric of his t-shirt, his hands, strong and gentle all at once as he wrapped breakables in newspaper, the familiar planes of his face, the curve of his nose, the tiny creases set deeply in his brow when he was preoccupied with something.

Suddenly, she was struck by another image of him, remembered studying him just like this when he was just a teenager - probably on the True Love that summer, when she couldnt resist stealing covert glances every so often as he worked on the boat, trying to figure out exactly how she got here.

And, as she watched him now, the rush of tenderness and affection for the boy she once knew swelled into a deep, abiding sense of passion for the man he had become.

and over time your relationship to it becomes like this incredible romance. At first, it's intoxicating, irresistible, and then slowly it becomes comfortable and safe. You have this cellular connection to it, as if you've known each other forever, like your oldest happiness, and sometimes you're on the outs, and sometimes you're making up, and every now and then you catch yourself in this transcendent moment where you think to yourself, Oh my God, I'm madly in love with you, and I always will be

And thats when it surprises you the most.

Pacey glanced over at that moment, furrowing his brow in mild confusion off her look, his eyes darting around as if hed missed something before he finally shrugged. What?

Nothing, she shook her head as she quickly glanced away. I was justwell, you got a lot accomplished here while I was out. She brought her eyes back to his as she smiled slowly, her voice softening. You surprised me, thats all.

Pacey returned the smile in his easy, natural way, the warmth in his eyes reminding her of summers spent sailing over blue, sun dappled waves, the horizon of sea and sky stretched out before her, endless, limitless, infinite in possibility.

Thats the thing about possibility. It was always there.

Sometimes, you just have to have a little faith.


~*~