Yuku free message boards

Hello!

I'll be back just as soon as I can with the next chapter in my other story, but I had this first chapter ready to go.

Hope you enjoy!

Love,
Juliet









Pacey wasnt scheduled to go into the restaurant. He never worked Mondays. Lately, however, hed been finding reasons to arrive early or stay late and he supposed it was only a matter of time before it would extend to days off, too.

Once outside, he was met by an unexpectedly bright and breezy morning, the front lawn laced with dew, blue sky crowded with billowing white clouds. The fresh ocean air expanded his lungs, loosening that slightly cramped feeling in his chest that usually lingered upon waking. He breathed deep, leaving the quiet stuffiness of the house behind.

It was a short drive to the restaurant. Not quite as short as the commute from his old apartment, which he could easily do on foot, but it was only a fifteen minute ride at most. His realtor was in for dinner a few months back and mentioned that the placea third floor walk-up in a renovated historical building at old Admirals Wharfhad been snatched up in less than a day. Pacey wasnt surprised. With picturesque harbor views and a central location, it had been a real find. It wasnt easy to give it up.

Not that his current house wasnt great, because it was. Located on a quiet, leafy bayside street with a clean brick stoop, dark gray shutters, paved driveway and a new roof, it was a nice, solid investment. The backyard was bordered by gnarled pine trees and green shrubberies and there was a small saltwater pond at the end of the block. He had plans, at some point, to put on a deck, but right now they both worked too much to enjoy it.

When he arrived at the Icehouse, the kitchen was shrouded in pale morning shadows; glints of weak sunlight bouncing off the gleam of the bar mirror and polished brass fixtures. In the dining room, all the chairs were upended, propped on tables so the nighttime closing crew could mop. The whole place was strangely and startlingly quiet, and Pacey had to remind himself it was barely six in the morning.

Setting a fresh pot of coffee on brew, he blew out a soft sigh to wait, rubbing at his weary eyes as the uncomfortable edges of consciousness folded in. He should have woken Andie to let her know he was coming into work, but she pulled a twenty-four hour shift at the clinic over the weekend and he didnt want to disturb her rest. He knew it bothered her when he didnt even leave off with a kiss goodbye, however, and hoped the note on the fridge would suffice. Pacey was trying to be extra careful not to upset her these days.

Once he had his coffee in hand, he went directly to his office. Placing the mug down on his desk blotter, he drew open the wood blinds. Outside his window the usually busy downtown street all but deserted, most businesses in town not opening until nine. The restaurant wasn't due to open until eleven. Releasing another yawn, he eyed the soft brown leather couch against the opposite wall, briefly tempted to maybe snatch a few more hours sleep.

Pacey had spent more than a few nights here in the past, but that was before, and he wasnt exactly alone. When youre having an affair with a married woman, it usually becomes necessary to be a little more inventive and ingenuous. That couch had served him well once upon a timewhich made him feel a little guilty just looking at it right now.

It bothered Andie to know that Maddie still came around the restaurant from time to time, whether to have a business lunch or drinks at the bar with friends. Honestly, it sometimes surprised Pacey that shed be so bold, but then hed only chuckle wryly to himself, remembering that was exactly what attracted him to her in the first place. Shed even go so far as to flirt with him on occasion, prompting him to crack a few jokes about her trying to get him killed. It didnt seem to bother her that he himself was now a married manbut he supposed that would be a little hypocritical.

However, it was funny to recall a certain dance and a kiss he once shared with someone else that had her burning with the red-hot fury of a woman scorned. But he didnt want to spend too much time thinking about that.

Pacey rolled his desk chair in, lazy fingers clumsily tapping over the keyboard as he opened his restaurant e-mail. Leaning back, he took a hot swallow of coffee as he waited for all his new messages to be received, nearly scorching his tongue in his urgent need for caffeine. He was almost hoping there might be some issue or problem to be dealt with, justifying the fact he was in here at the crack of dawn. Then he could at least make it look good.

There was a thin but sharp undercurrent of tension at home lately, and sometimes Pacey felt he was contributing to it just by being there. It was very different from those first few months, when he was eager to leave work at the end of a long day. Now he just stayed here longer.

Caught up in the emotional turmoil that surrounded Jens illness and death, hed been desperately searching for anything good or positive to latch onto, and Andieone of the most positive forces he knewhad walked back into his life at that exact moment. She was kind of like an answer to a prayer, even though Pacey had never really been a particularly religious man.

Perhaps theyd jumped into this marriage a little too quickly, but when you feel like youve known someone your entire life waiting doesnt really seem necessary. And Pacey had just lost one of his best friends. He was almost overwhelmed by the magnitude of that kind of waste. Jen was only twenty-five. She left behind a beautiful baby girl. It was an incalculable loss, and it made him rethink everything. He was already tired of his life before, something deep inside him longing to be settled comfortably into a real life and a real love with one woman. And time waits for no manor so they say. So Pacey decided it was time for him to stop waiting, too. It was enough. It had been long enough.

They all went through a lot of reflection and soul-searching in those days and weeks to follow. It wasnt just him. They came together in that same grief, reeling over the life and death of it all. Their small and slightly incestuous group was shaken to its very core, and everyone seemed to grab onto what was right there in front of them.

He saw it happening with Dawson and Joey before they even seemed to realize it themselves. Even though Joey spent that last night in the hospital waiting room with him, falling asleep in his arms, as Pacey gazed down at her dark eyelashes fanned out against soft, tearstained cheeks, he knew.

A week or so later, over dinner at the Icehouse, Doug and Jack announced that they had decided to live together. His brother would be helping to raise baby Amy. Mrs. Ryan would be returning to Capeside to be nearer to them. And Joey would be moving as wellbut instead of closer it would be further away. The whole other side of the country, in fact. She was moving to California to be with Dawson and, as far as Pacey was concerned, she couldnt get much further away than that.

He stayed right here in Capeside, where hed always been. And Andie stayed after everyone else left the restaurant that night. Theyd been together ever since.

He arched his back and stretched his arm on a weary grunt; then picked up his coffee cup as he switched his attention to a pile of invoices on his desk. Hed just touched the rim of the mug to his mouth when, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a new e-mail arrive to his inbox. Narrowing his fuzzy, sleep-deprived gaze, it took him a moment to read the senders address.

Joey.

Pacey hesitated, only staring at it a moment, unblinking as he slowly lowered his coffee mug. Then he couldnt resist the tug of a sleepy smile.

When she originally left for Los Angeles, there had been so many promises made about keeping in touch and how often they would visit. One by one, most of those promises had fallen by the wayside. It was inevitable, of course. Everyone had busy lives, and the distance was considerable. But, thanks to modern technology, the one thing they had managed to continue was this.

Pacey always looked forward to her e-mails. Sometimes, when things here at work got a little too crazy or they hit another rough patch at home, it could be the best part of his day. Even if it was just some stupid joke or random thoughtespecially if it was thathe liked to imagine her voice or picture her expression.

Twisting back in his desk chair to click on the message, it suddenly dawned on Pacey that it was an awfully unusual hour to receive a note. He figured there must have been some weird time delay in his inbox when he signed onto the computersince out on the West Coast it would be close to three in the morning. There was no way Joey would be awake right now.

His grin immediately cracked open wide as he read her words:



Hey Pace,

Havent heard from you in a while, and just wanted to check in. How is everyone there? Jack sent me a picture of Amy the other day. I cant believe how big shes getting! And I cant believe how much it made me miss home.



He paused there, lingering on the word. No matter where else shed lived, shed never stopped calling Capeside home. He didnt know why that pleased him so much, but it did.



Anyway, not much new to report out here. Dawsons show got picked up for another season, but hes thinking it might be the last one. Hes ready to move on and already has some other film projects in discussion. Hes filming that new one up in Toronto still. Not sure when it wraps.

Bessie told me about the article on The Icehouse in Boston magazine last month. I was able to track down a copy, which was no small feat out here (who knew my publishing contacts would come in so handy?) and Im looking at it as I type. Nice photo. Ohand dont think I didnt catch the authors reference to the chef/owner Pacey Witters devilishly handsome smile. Still managing to charm the ladies even as an old married man, huh? Why am I not at all surprised?

Well, I really just wanted to say hi. Hope all is well.

Joey

P.S. Im going to be in New York soon, and Im really trying to figure out how I might fit in a quick side trip to the Cape.



Paceys fingers hovered briefly over his keyboard before he bowed his head to type back.


Hey, what can I say? One bite of my grilled lobster in champagne butter with truffle risotto and most women tend to swoon. Its a professional hazard.

Pacey

P.S. Is that a promise or a threat?


Smile lingering, he turned back to start sorting through the pile of invoices. He had just taken another swallow of coffee when he noticed her return e-mail pop up in his inbox. Since he was caught unprepared for such an immediate reply, he was briefly left cyber-speechless.




Hey! Why are you already at work? Is the sun even up on the East coast yet?



Furrowing his brow, he chuckled under his breath before quickly typing out a response.


More importantly, Potter, why are you still awake? You miss me that much you cant sleep at night?


He hit send and only had to wait a moment.



Something like thatonly its more like a recurring nightmare. One thats continued to plague me all these years.



Pacey furrowed his brow with a faint smirk before he started typing again.


Very funny. So whats this about you visiting? Ill need to know details so I can start organizing the parade.


He grinned and lifted his coffee to take another swallow. Glancing out his office window at the empty sidewalks of downtown Capeside, a veil of early morning fog hanging over the harbor like a ghostly mist, there was barely any evidence of life in this small town at this hour. It felt a little like they were the only two people awake in the worldor maybe he just like to imagine it that way.



I dont think a parade will be necessary, but thanks. I will, however, consider letting you make me dinner one night while Im in town.


Only if you promise not to swoon.


I can only promise to try.



He chuckled again, struck with a perfect visualization of her wry, sarcastic smirk.



I have to be in New York for meetings from June 14 through June 17.If I can possibly get a few days off after that, I was hoping to catch a flight to Cape Cod.



Pacey was poised to type but then frowned thoughtfully, pausing to drum his fingertips on his desk blotter. There had to be a reason why those dates seemed to jump out at him. Returning his attention to his desk, he quickly rummaged through all the mail and receipts, a flurry of papers rising up in the air in his haste. Finally he found what he had been searching for and held the confirmation letter up in his triumphant grip.

His smile spread across the whole width of his face as his eyes scanned the typed page and then he returned to the keyboard.


You might not believe this, but it just so happens I will actually be in New York City on June 14 and 15 with Adrian, my sous chef. Theyre holding the National Food and Restaurant Show at some place called the Javits Center. We have reservations at a Best Western thats supposed to be only a few blocks from there, but for all I know it could be in Jersey.


He waited, stroking the beard stubble on his chin in a thoughtful pose, feeling a tiny rise of excitement and anticipation.



Youre kidding! I know exactly where that is. I cant believe were going to be in New York that same weekend. For oncegood timing.



Pacey blew out a quiet breath and grinned again, realizing that the timing did seem to be rather fortuitous. He hesitated, the smile still pulling at the corners of his mouth, and typed back.


So, how about dinner or at least a drink in the big city instead? If you can fit it into your busy schedule, that is.



I think I can possibly make time for an old friend.


But I was talking about me.


Oh, in that case, forget it.



Pacey chuckled.


Yeah, thats what I thought.


They exchanged some brief travel information, promising to get back in touch with more details; then she signed off on her end.

And, as Pacey got back to work and some of his kitchen staff began to filter in, it sort of felt like the start of a whole different day.





Propping her bag on her knee against the door, the days mail and her takeout order from the Thai place balanced in one arm, Joey punched in the security code with her one free hand. She waited a beat, but received only a red error light. Blowing a wilted strand of hair from her eyes on a weary sigh, she tried it againand then again. Finally she received a green light, the house granting her entrance.

Shedding the dry blanket of heat for the comfortable cool of central air, her heels clicked against the polished floor, the sound echoing off the walls as she walked into the kitchen to place her takeout on the counter. She noticed the answering machine was full but didnt dare touch it, knowing mostif not allthe messages would be for Dawson, a rushed and confusing barrage of questions and information from the writing staff, his producers or his agent.

She stepped out of her shoes, leaving them in the middle of the kitchen floor, and took one of the paper cartons of noodles with her upstairs to the bedroom, grabbing a fork from the drawer along the way. She changed into more comfortable clothesgoing straight for her pajamas even though it was barely seven oclockand then curled up on the small couch in the corner of the master suite in front of the TV.

It always baffled Dawson why she watched up here when he had a whole media room with a huge plasma screen downstairs, but she preferred it. Tonight, however, Joey only flipped through a few channels before tossing the remote aside with a bored sigh. With him working in the industry and sharing all the ins and outs, she realized that TV was never going to be the same for her. Besides, seeing recognizable actors out everywhere from the farmers market to dry cleaners made it a little hard to ever maintain any suspension of disbelief.

It was exciting the first time she ever saw that guy from her favorite show sitting at the bar at Nobu, but by nowwith even more famous faces delaying her immediate access to caffeine in the mornings with their orders for elaborately constructed soy lattesshe could only roll her eyes.

For her, the magic was gone.

Poking around in her takeout container, Joey wondered just what she was supposed to do to entertain herself now. Dawson was still away, filming in Torontoas he had been since the middle of May and would be until the end of July. Of course, he claimed he wanted her to fly out to see him on set, but Joey knew it wouldnt really be worth her time or the price of a ticket. He was way too distracted at work to entertain any visits.

While he had been away on location before, Joey had to admit she was feeling a little more lonely than usual this time around. Perhaps because she imagined she would know more people by now, but it was next to impossible to meet anyone hereespecially since she sometimes felt like she was living her life in a human habitrail, driving to work, the gym and home, in that order, every single day, insulated in her own personal plastic bubble.

She realized her sense of loneliness was probably heightened by the fact it was almost the second anniversary of Jens death. It made her think of everyone back home more than ever. Living in New York after college, she always held Capeside at a perfect arms length, close enough to visit but not too close for comfort. Out here in LA she never felt so far away. It sometimes felt like she was living in a whole other world. And she had no idea how to get back.

It was more than just the people in her life. She missed the places, too. It was one reason why she had been looking forward to her upcoming trip back east. Even though it was strictly a business trip, meetings with some authors, Joey couldnt wait to just walk the streets of lower Manhattan and see all the familiar sights. Of course, Pacey would be the most familiar sight of allno matter that it was out of his usual element. She couldnt wait to see him either, and hoped that they would get the chance, if even just for a drink.

Despite how Joey once imagined how things might turn out, it was Andie McPhee who ended up with Pacey Witter. In her less charitable moments, she had to admit that she wasnt totally convinced that Andie even deserved him. Of course, there were probably those who would say she wasnt exactly in running for any ex-girlfriend of the year awards herself, but at least Joey never cheated on him when they were together. Not even once in her heartdespite what Pacey may have believed at the time.

She only hoped Andie would treat his heart with more care this time around. That was all Joey could wish for Pacey these days. Any other hopes, she had to give up long ago. And it made her happy to think he was finally happy. At least, most days it did.

Releasing a quiet sigh, she grabbed the cordless phone off the arm of the couch and dialed Dawsons cell phone. He made sure to call every night, but with nothing else to do, she decided to just go to bed. And with her luck the phone would inevitably ring just as she was starting to drift off.

As she listened to the rings, Joey acknowledged this was starting to feel like more of an obligation than an actual desire to talk. Still, when he finally answered she had to admit it was nice to hear his voice.

Joey? Hey, whats going on? I was just thinking about calling you

She smiled, mildly dubious but willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Its okay, she assured him. I just had a kind of sucky day and wanted to head to bed earlyso I figured Id be the one to call you tonight.

Im sorry to hear that. What was so bad about your day?

Just the usual, really, she explained with a frown. Carolyn, my managing editor?

Mm-hmm, he interjected quietly, as if to indicate he was listening.

Well, she pulled one of those weird and abrupt switches out of nowhere today. After giving me this great assignment, she changed her mind and instead had me copyediting

She launched into her story but hadnt gotten very far before her voice drifted off. Narrowing her eyes to strain her ears, she could just barely detect the soft, repetitive sound of clicks and faint tapsa sound very similar to him working on his laptop. And she realized he hadnt really been listening at all.

Yeah, and soshe finally gave me that big promotion, she lied, deliberately feigning a dreary and defeated tone. So now Ill be making twice what I was before.

Oh, he replied when she finished, obviously distracted as he offered a sympathetic sigh. That does suck.

She laughed, though there wasnt much humor in the sound, and rolled her eyes.

Dawson!

What?

She was about to explain to him what he just did, playfully chastising him for his inattention, but then Joey realized she wasnt really in the mood to poke fun and joke tonight.

Nothing. The corner of her smile drooped as she blew out a sigh. Like I saidIm just really tired. And I know youre busy, so Ill let you go.

Okaywell, well talk tomorrow. I love you.

Love you too, she mumbled, and ended to call to place the phone aside.

As lonely as she still felt after the call, she supposed it wasnt much different from when he was here. He could be sitting at the other end of this very same couch, his laptop open, working endlessly on edits or changes to a script, and barely acknowledge her presence.

Rather than heading immediately up to bed, she poured herself a glass of wine and wandered outside onto the veranda, descending the steps inlaid with bright green and red mosaic tiles. The warmth of the setting sun beat down on her bare shoulders, but despite the lack of cloud cover the sky was that strange sepia hue from the smog.

Taking a seat at the edge of the pool to place her wine down, Joey dipped her bare feet in the water and gazed thoughtfully around at the landscaping. There was an elaborate barbeque island situated in one corner of the yard with a massive grill, comfortable seating, a refrigerated bar and an outdoor fireplace. But perhaps the most amazing feature of all was the forty inch plasma television screen that rose right up out of the tiles on command to create an outdoor theatre. Joey still couldnt quite get over that one.

Everything about this place was impressive. The master bath was more like a luxury spa. The living room appeared to be the size of a small basketball court. And the kitchen had a special refrigerator designed just for chilling bottles of champagne. Joey wasnt left wanting for muchexcept maybe just one tiny nook or corner that felt like her own.

She glanced down at her shadowy, liquid reflection in the pool. A fish out of water. Thats what she sometime felt like in LA.

Growing up in Capeside, Dawsons house used to feel like her house. His family used to feel like her family. Yet she came to this seemingly adult decision to move three thousand miles to be with him and make a real lifeto return to that feelingand somehow managed to lose all the familiarity and comfort of home along the way.





Elbows resting on the dinner table, Pacey smiled to watch Jack with Amy on his knee. Fresh from a soapy tub, the toddler was zipped up head-to-toe in pastel pink footy pajamas, her shoulder-length blonde hair curling into damp tendrils.

So what do you say, baby girl? Jack brushed a kiss over the top of her wispy blond locks. Ready for bed?

Amy shook her head, leaning back to rest comfortably against his chest as she clutched at her fleece-covered feet. Wanna story.

He agreed with a sigh, scooping her up to stand. A story first? You got it. Pausing so Doug could give the girl a kiss, he faced her towards Andie and Pacey. Now say goodnight to Auntie and Uncle.

Night-night, Amy! Andie cooed softly. Pacey gave her a wink and a wave of his hand and she smiled shyly, ducking her little head into Jacks shoulder as he carried her out of the room.

She knows practically all the words to that book, Doug boasted as he picked up his wine. I swear shes going to be reading by the time she starts preschool.

Right, Pacey chuckled, good-naturedly teasing him. And probably ready for her doctoral dissertation by the fourth grade.

Hey, its not just me! Doug protested, though he laughed. The doctor has said iteven the teachers in her play gym class think shes very advanced for her age.

Oh, Im well aware. Pacey assured him solemnly, and picked up his beer. Between hearing about how she can finger paint with both hands, separates stuffed animals by either farm or zoo species and uses her big words when she has to go pottywell, Im ready to alert the admissions people at Mensa myself.

Joke all you want, Doug smirked on a sigh. Youll understand when its your kid.

Thats what I tell him, Andie agreed with a smile, shooting him a sideways glance.

Paceys grin faded just slightly before he took a swig of his beer.

Have you guys thought any more about another adoption? Andie asked, shifting her focus to Doug. I know Jack mentioned it once.

It was a directly personal question that Pacey might not ask his brother himself, at least not as dinner conversation, but Andie was such a close confidante to her own brother she had started to assume the same with Doug.

No, Doug admitted, seemingly far less uncomfortable with the question than Pacey. It would be nice to give Amy a brother or sister someday. Theres just a lot to consider. And we feel like she needs all our attention right now.

Well Andie drew in a breath to exhale, and then reached over to give Paceys hand a squeeze. I know its not the same as a sibling, but maybe Amy will have a cousin for a playmate one day soon.

Doug crinkled his eyes quizzically on a grin. Anddo you two have some announcement to make?

Paceys expression dropped along with his stomach, and he fixed her with a hard stare.

Ah, not that I know of, he said, snorting quietly as he arched an eyebrow.

Well, noI mean, not now, Andie rushed to explain, still cheerful as she ignored Paceys look. But weve definitely been talking about trying. She placed her dinner napkin on the table and pushed back her chair to stand. Im going to go see if Jack needs any help tucking that little cutie into bed.

Paceys gaze followed her from the room beneath a dark and stormy brow.

Um, heh... Doug cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, softening his voice discreetly. Why does it seem that announcement was as much a surprise to you as it was to me?

Pacey shook his head before he took another swallow of beer, keeping his tone low. I meanyeah, we talked about it. But shes leaving out a lot.

Like what?

He grimaced tightly. Like the fact the odds arent really in our favorshe just doesnt want to acknowledge that.

Dougs expression clouded with some concern and he leaned closer as Pacey spoke more confidentially. As forthcoming as Andie might be with their personal business, she refused to acknowledge any part of the truth that didnt particularly fit in her plan. And while a positive attitude might help, but it didnt always make up for the cold hard facts.

She wants to go off her meds completely so we can try, he explained. Yet the doctor keeps telling her that would put her at an extremely high risk of relapseeven as early as her first trimester. And the other option is for her to stay on her meds while she tried to get pregnant, then quickly taper off just as soon as she is Pacey blew out a troubled sigh. But thats only a very small window you have where it might be safejust a matter of weeks. Go past that on the meds and you put the baby at risk for heart problems or other birth defectsIm not sure exactly, but suffice to say its not something Im necessarily willing to gamble with, you know?

Doug nodded his head slowly and carefully. Well, yeah, he agreed. I understand completely. I guess I didnt realize He paused to consider this. Wowdoesnt seem like theres any right answer.

Tell me about it. Pacey smirked sadly, throwing another glance in the direction of the doorway. I want to discuss it all more with her doctor, but sometimes its like she doesnt want to hear anything that might be the least bit discouraging. I, on the other hand, am still waiting to hear something I think is encouraging. Andie justshe wants a baby so badly. And I just want to be able to give that to her.

They were both quiet for a long moment before Doug asked:

Because its what you want, tooright?

Pacey was slightly unprepared for the question. He shrugged his shoulder, as if to shake off that small rise of defensiveness.

I love kids.

Well, thats because you are one, Doug joked. But that doesnt really answer my question.

Sighing again, he rubbed at his chin and gave it some more honest contemplation.

Eh, I dont knowIve been thinking how it might help.

Doug narrowed his gaze curiously. Help what?

Pacey met his eyes on a sad smile. Everything, he admitted.

At that moment, they heard Andie and Jacks voices approaching and Pacey quickly glanced away, meeting her smile with his own as she reappeared in the room.

What do you think? She tilted her head. Im kind of tired.

Pacey shrugged his shoulder. Ready when you are.

They thanked Doug and Jack for dinner and made a show of trying to help clean up, but as expected their offers were quickly and humorously rebuked.

Just get the hell out, will you? Jack insisted, before giving her a hug and Pacey a hearty slap on the back.

They were both unusually quiet during the short drive back home, car windows open to the warm breezes as summer gradually returned to Capeside. Most of the roads were without streetlights, but Pacey glanced over once or twice in the dark, trying to determine what she might be thinking. Her expression, however, gave nothing away.

At home, he was standing in front of his closet to unbutton his shirt when he felt the warm press of her soft body at his back, her hands snaking around to assist.

Whats this all about? he murmured as he glanced down, quietly joking.

I dont know Andie sighed, a playful lilt to her voice. Guess Im not as tired as I thought.

Pacey glanced back over his shoulder with a halfhearted grin to meet her gaze, arching his brow. Oh really?

In all honesty, he was tired and not entirely in the mood, but he would never want to hurt any feelings by rebuffing her overture.

Mm-hmm She nodded her head with a serene smile and finished unbuttoning his shirt as he turned towards her And Ive been charting my hormone levels at work. Tonight could be a very good night for us.

Pacey had lifted his hands to her shoulders to stroke her upper arms but immediately stilled, feeling like he had just been doused with a figurative bucket of cold water.

He sighed inwardly. Andie

Dont talk. Shaking her head, she pushed the shirt of his shoulders, her hands caressing circles over the hard wall of his chest as she leaned close, whispering, Youll ruin the mood

Pacey stepped back just as she was about to kiss his neck and he lightly caught her wrists. But we have to talk. You know that.

Andie frowned and her expression darkened as their eyes met again, breaking her hands free from his light grip. No, we really dont, she replied with a deliberate calm, although that was lost to the rising emotion in her voice as she continued. Why cant we just go for itat least try? Who knows how long it might actually take me to even get pregnant, Pacey? Have you even thought of that? There are no guarantees it will happen on the first, third or even tenth try! I just keep thinking were wasting all this time!

He shrugged, unmoved. And I keep thinking, whats the big rush?

Weve been married almost eighteen months, she shot back accusingly.

His voice deepened with a hint of anger he didnt intend. And what does that have to do with anything?

Now she was hurt. I thought you wanted kids.

I do! Pacey exclaimed, guilt and frustration hitting him simultaneously. I do want kids. I just dont know if this is the best way to go about it. Realizing he was still a little irritated with her for that announcement at Dougs, he tried his best to be more understanding. To leave a baby open to risk because youre still on your meds or then put yourself at risk by immediately going off themIm sorry, but neither one sounds like a good option to me.

So Ill find another antidepressant, she countered quickly. One with a better reproductive safety profile.

Yeah, maybe Pacey was unconvinced and moved away to grab a faded t-shirt for bed. Possibly better for a babybut not so good for you.

Andie pursed her lips and folded her arms, giving him a strange look. Why do you have to do that?

Do what? he frowned and shrugged, slipping each arm in before tugging the shirt over his head.

Shoot down every suggestionjust dismiss everything. Her hands fluttered up in the air as her voice escalated. We havent even tried, and its like you already gave up!

Thats not true! Pacey shot back, but softened in his defense. But, wellyoure the doctor, Andie. Every day theyre making these breakthroughs in medical treatments, right? Maybe I just feel like a better option for us is waiting just around the corner.

Her mouth was a thin, tight line and now her eyes were rimmed faintly in red. Weve been waiting, Pacey. Thats all you want to do is wait! Im so tired of it. How are we ever going to find out whats waiting around the corner when were just stuck in one place going in circles all the time? I know this is all my fault, but

Dont say that, he muttered and dropped his head on a weary sigh, rubbing at the back of his neck. I fucking hate when you say that. Its not your fault that youre sick, Andie.

She narrowed her eyes on a slightly contemptuous snort.

You know, maybe youre right. Maybe its you, Pacey. Because ever since Ive started talking about getting pregnant, it seems like every time you look at me? She started to crumble right in front of him, voice wavering with an onslaught of tears. The fact Im sick is all you see.

Andie, dont he sighed, reaching out for her.

But she turned away from his arms, sniffing once before she walked away into the bathroom. The door slammed shut behind her.

As bad as he felt to see her so upset, at the same time Pacey was almost relieved to table this particular discussionat least for the evening. He didnt have the energy for it tonight.

Gazing morosely at the closed door, hearing the faint sounds of some muffled sobs, he realized there was a time when he would have stood there and begged her to let him in. He would have done anything to get her to open that door.

Now he was only left to wonder if it was never meant to be reopened.





So youll be home Monday night?

Pacey nodded his head as he emerged from the bathroom with his leather shaving case. Yeah, he said as he paused to shove it down into the last space left in his bag. My flight is due in at six and Aidan is leaving his car in long term parking, so we can head out as soon as we grab our bags.

Andie watched him zip the duffel, sitting at the end of the bed. Im off on Monday. Ill have dinner waiting for you.

Pacey grimaced slightly, drawing in a sharp breath. Ah, I really wouldnt bother if I were you. Were going to be heading straight into the evening commute and with all that trafficwho knows what time well actually be back to Capeside. In fact, he sighed, hoisting the bag to sling the strap over his shoulder, it gets too latewe might just stop and grab a bite to eat on the way rather than battle through rush hour.

He paused then, glancing down at her to notice a faint shadow of disappointment cloud her expression.

Not that I dont appreciate the offer, he added gently, stroking his hand down her fine blonde hair before he grazed her cheek with a brush of his knuckles.

Andie smiled up at him, her voice softening. Im sorry about the other night.

No, Pacey shook his head. Im the one who should be sorry.

Its not you, Pacey, she insisted with a sigh. Its me, and I

Hey, take all the blame if you want he cut her off with the hint of a playful grin. I just dont know what Im supposed to do about that ridiculously overpriced present I was planning on getting you in New York to make up for it.

In that case A twinkle returned to her eyes. Youre rightit is you.

He chuckled and bent his head to meet her in a soft kiss, but almost immediately broke away on the short toot of a car horn from the driveway outside. And thatd be Aidan. He hiked his bag up; patting the pocket of his khaki trousers once to make sure he had his wallet and ticket. Ill call when we get to the hotel.

Okay, Andie called after him. Dont forget! Have a good trip!

As always, they ran into traffic, first at the bridge and then approaching South Boston. Aidan took the airport tunnel, getting them to Logan just in timethough they had to pick it up to a fast run to just make their boarding call.

Trying to get comfortable as best he could, adjusting his long, lanky frame to fit the cramped space of his assigned seat, Pacey relaxed right into all his guilt. It felt good to get away, he could not deny that. Yet at the same time he couldnt exactly leave all his cares and worries behind, checking them at the gate.

Outside the small window, the sky stretched on forever through rolling hills and valleys of clouds. Gazing into Andies teary eyes back in Capeside the other night, it was all a mess of conflicted thoughts and emotionsbut up here, with nothing to obstruct his view, he knew in his heart and in his gut that it was the wrong time to bring a baby into their lives. His brother Doug was right. There were no easy answers. And Pacey was only too glad to have a few days away from all the questions.

His knee started to bounce with some eager impatience and he stole a quick glance at his wristwatch. There was also the fact he was looking forward to seeing Joeyprobably a little more than he should be. With Andie so unhappy at home, it didnt seem right that he should be this eager to be anywhere elseor be with anyone else, for that matter. But Joey had that unique ability to make him laugh, forget about all the bad stuff and remember what it was like to have fun. And Pacey needed that right now, if for just a little while.

Do you think youll get a chance to see Joey while youre both there? Andie had asked over breakfast.

Um, I dont know Pacey was distracted in his reply. Were going to be busyshe has meetingsits only a few days. If we can possibly fit it in, maybe Aidan and I will meet her for a drink or something. Well see.

Granted, his plans with Joey were not set in stone. Still, Pacey wondered why it had been his first instinct to be so intentionally vague and sidestep the truth.

If Andie had a problem being reminded of his brief fling with someone like Maddie, however, Paceys romantic history with Joey would fall into the category of complete unmentionables. They simply did not speak of it, and both seemed to prefer it that way. Whenever Andie did bring Joeys name up these days, it was usually to reiterate how happy she was for her and Dawson.

Nervous flyer?

Pacey glanced over to see Aidan pointing towards his jumpy knee with an amused grin.

Nah. He shrugged, turning back to the window. I just want to get there.

He couldnt wait to get there.





Joey twirled the stem of her wineglass and glanced around the bar before stealing a quick and discreet peek in the mirror. It rained briefly that afternoon and she was stuck waiting for a cab on the gray, busy streets of New York. Worried the lingering humidity had made a mess of her hair, she pushed it behind her ear, trying to smooth it down.

Hey.

The soft, deep timbre of his voice made her jump slightly, startled that he managed to get so close when she wasnt looking.

She swung around to meet his familiar blue-eyed grin.

Hey yourself.

For a moment, it seemed all either of them could do was stare and smile. Pacey was in a dark suit, his shirt unbuttoned at the collar with no tie, a combination of debonair and casual easeeven a little dangerous with that sexy dark shadow of beard stubble.

He wore grownup well, not that she ever had any doubt he would.

You look good, she said, giving him her full appreciation.

His eyes drifted over her just once, but it was almost enough to set her heart racing.

And you look better.

Joeys smile narrowed into a look of playful reproof, though she had to admit it wasnt such a bad thing in life to have an ex-boyfriend who always remained so kind and faithful to your ego.

Same old Pacey, she sighed wryly with a shake of her head.

And you were expecting someone else? he grinned, moving to take the seat at the bar shed been saving.

He touched his hand gently to the small of her back as he did so, leaning over to drop the softest of friendly kisses on her cheeka second and much more familiar greeting. Joeys smile instantly brightened in response, warming her whole face.

His attention was briefly distracted as the bartender approached for his order, but then he swiveled back on the barstool, unbuttoning his suit jacket with one hand to give her his complete and undivided attentionso much so that she almost squirmed under the intentness of those blue eyes.

So, how is the restaurant show?

Ah, fun and informative, he joked with some humorous sarcasm. And you have some dinner meeting this evening? he asked, referencing their earlier phone conversation.

Well, I did, she replied and then pointed to her cell phone on the bar. But I just got a call before you walked in. The author had to cancel last minute and reschedule for tomorrow.

Pacey smiled his thanks to the bartender as his beer arrived. Huh. He frowned thoughtfully as he picked it up. So, what are you going to do now?

She shrugged, though truthfully didnt feel much disappointment at the sudden change of plans. My schedule for this evening is wide open.

Really? He took a small swallow of his beer and glanced at his wristwatch. Well, since Aidan has plans to meet up with some old college buddies, mine is too. And I really should get started if Im going to take in all of New York in one night. So He blew out a sigh, feigning an overly polite tone as he pretended to ready himself to leave. It was great to see you. Maybe we could do this again some time.

Joey smirked but played along. Ill have my people call your people.

Sounds good. He nodded his head and made it seem he was about to stand. You take care now.

Oh, you too.

You knowthe thing is? He sighed again and paused. Ive never really had the insiders tour of the city.

Thats a pity. Joey sympathized with a sip of wine. Theres a lot to see.

Yeah. He nodded his head in contemplation. Too bad I dont know anyone who has some familiarity with the place to kind of show me around, take in the sights, enjoy a nice meal together

That does sound nice, she agreed. Good luck with that.

Yeah, thanks. He took out his wallet to drop the bartender a bill before tucking it back inside his jacket. But, um, until someone like that comes along, I dont knowyou maybe wanna hang out?

Me? Joey touched her hand to her chest in a gesture of surprise. Well, I suppose I couldsince I have nothing better to do, I mean.

Well, of course, he rushed to concur, why else would you hang out with the likes of me?

They both lifted their drinks, meeting each others eyes with another shared smile of amusement. When Pacey placed his beer down, he inclined his head towards the door.

What dya say, Potter? Wanna get out of here?

Im right behind you.

He waited for her to slip off her barstool and grab her bag; then motioned her ahead with a chivalrous sweep of his arm.

Actually, he ducked his head to chuckle in her ear as he followed her out, I prefer you right in front.

Watch it, Pacey, she warned him, giving him an arched eyebrow over her shoulder as she tried not to smile.

Oh, I already am, he growled softly, and then chuckled again on the way out the door when she stopped to smack his arm.

You better behave, or Ill be in the next cab back to my hotel! She pointed her finger at him as they emerged out into the warm city night.

So if I do behave He pretended to give this some serious consideration. Then Ill be in the next cab back to your hotel?

Pacey!

Okay, okayI promise, he swore, still grinning. Ill be on my best behavior.

She only shook her head and laughed, knowing as much as she protested and complained, his joking always put her in a good mood.

It was a beautiful night with warm breezes, the puddles left over from the afternoons showers reflecting all the lights of the city in rainwater hues, creating an almost dreamy and dazzling effect. As always, the neighborhoods in this part of the citywith all the fashionable art galleys, bars and hottest restaurantswere buzzing with that unique energy and excitement, the sidewalks crowded with more people than you would find in Capeside at the height of tourist season.

Pacey was more than happy to let her take the lead, enjoying the tour of her old stomping grounds. Being able to share it with someone for the first timespecifically to share it with himbrought back some of those old feelings she had when she first moved here after college, when this city seemed full of endless possibilities.

You never visited me when I lived here, she finally realized, walking with him past some eclectic shops and outdoor cafs in the Village. How come?

She glanced over, watching his face as she waited for his response.

Well, you never asked, he replied with a shrug of his shoulder.

Pacey! You were always welcome, she insisted with a frown and slowed her steps. You know that.

He only gave her an unreadable smile and shrugged his shoulder again, changing the subject. So where is this place? Are we close?

While a part of Joey wanted to discuss it further, always left wondering how they managed to drift so far apart, she realized there wasnt a lot of sense in dissecting the past decade of their lives now, especially not while standing here on the sidewalk.

Yeah. She nodded her head and glanced around. I think its only a few more blocks.

You think or you know? Because were not getting any younger here, Potter.

She shot him a faint smirk. I know. Grasping onto the sleeve of his suit jacket, she pulled him in the other direction. Now come on. Its this way.

Thirty minutes latertwenty of which were spent in negotiation with the doormanthey emerged out onto the gravelly tar of the buildings roof. The view, not to mention the wind, was enough to take their breath away.

For a moment, Joey could only stare and smile. Then she took a shaky breath and glanced at him. Pacey was equally as mesmerized, gazing out in wide wonder as he tucked his wallet away.

How much did you have to tip the guy?

Not a lot, he replied with a shrug. Lets just say thatinstead of that gourmet dinner at a nice table under a gold chandelier later? I think well now be dining under the golden arches.

Her smile softened in gratitude. Thank you, Pacey.

No problem. He gave her a quick grin and then returned his gaze to the view. So are you ever planning on telling me what it is about this spot?

This? Joey took a deep breath to exhale as she gazed out as well. This is where Jen first showed me New York. She glanced back. And if she were here, I kind of think shed want to share it with you, too.

Paceys eyes were still on the impressive skyline, and lights shimmered in the blue as he smiled.

Joey shook her head, blinking away the slight salty sting. God, I cant believe its been...

Two years last week, he finished for her on a sigh. I know.

I sometimes still cant believe shes gone. Joeys voice trembled with an undercurrent old emotion, but with him she didnt seem to care. A few months ago, I actually thought of something I wanted to tell her She laughed and sniffed, swiping at her eye. I swear I almost dialed her cell phone.

A sad smile tugged at the corner of Paceys mouth, and he reached out to smooth his hand down her back in a brief touch. Yeah, he admitted. Ive almost done something similar once or twice myself.

It still doesnt seem real. Joey gazed away again, her voice softening. Sometimes these past two years dont even feel real

She noticed Pacey turn to her, and suddenly felt like shed been caught when he tilted his head on a quizzical look. So used to spending her days in the midst of strangers in a strange land, shed forgotten there were still people out there who knew her so well. She forgot there was still him.

But youre happy? he asked with a faint frown. With where you arein California?

She tried her best for a joking grin. Well, who wouldnt be happy in a place where the sun always shines?

Pacey only shrugged his shoulder as he gazed off into the distance again. Youre the only person I ever knew who actually liked the rain, he said quietly.

Joey looked over at him again, and her smile was softer, more sincere.

And youre the only person I know who would actually remember that.

When he met her smile with his own, she felt an involuntary shiver run through her body.

You cold? he asked, immediately full of concern

No. She shook her head, but felt the tremble running down her legs, to the tips of her toes. Im fine.

Which means youre cold, he sighed matter-of-factly, and then in the next instant his suit jacket was off. Here.

Joey hesitated just briefly as he held it out for her, but then stepped closer so he could slip it onto her shoulders. His warm breath grazed her neck as he adjusted it, large hands so gentle and sure, touching her with all the same tenderness and familiarity he had so long ago that for a moment it almost seemed the map of her body was still a place he knew by heart

Thanks, Joey murmured, glancing up briefly to meet his gaze.

The corner of Paceys mouth tugged up and, while he had been so quick to be at her side, he made no immediate move away. Although she now had his coat covering her shoulders, Joey was aware that wasnt the reason she felt so warm.

Finally some realization seemed to hit and he dropped his head and coughed slightly, taking a step back to create more distance.

So, umhows Andie? She realized with some mild chagrin that shed managed to go all night without her even asking about his wife.

His response was brief. Good.

And married life? she inquired, feeling like they couldnt just leave it at that.

When she called to thank Jack for the pictures he sent of Amy, he mentioned he thought Pacey and Andie might be trying for a baby of their own soon. Mildly shocked by this unexpected news, when Joey couldnt conceal her surprise, Jack explained there would of course be some issues to overcome first, medical reasons why it might be more difficult or complicated for her to conceive.

Joey couldnt tell him, of course, that her surprise was not based on Andies medical history. It had a little more to do with her own historythe one she shared with Pacey, and the part shed never quite let go.

Maybe somewhere back in the small, dark and slightly green-eyed back of her mind, she felt like Pacey and Andie might not lastat least not forever. But nothing said forever like a child.

Um, good. Pacey lifted his hand to scratch at his temple in distraction. But since were both currently averaging a sixty hour work week on opposite schedules, Ill have to get back to you on that once we actually have some time to spend together.

I know how that is. She smiled in wry understanding, drawing his jacket around her arms. The scent of his aftershave still lingered in the pressed fabric, and the silkiness inside the lining brushed against her skin like a caress. Dawson has been away, up in Toronto on that film shoot, but even when hes aroundhes not around. Then again, she added with a vague shrug of her shoulder, neither am I.

Pacey didnt say anything, but she felt him watching her againtrying to read her, in all likelihood, like only he could do.

Could he tell just by looking at her that sometimes she felt like she was living a lie? She moved across the country to start this amazing new life in California with Dawson, supposedly following a dreambut the truth of it was they barely saw each other, shared little in common anymore and the relationship had deteriorated to the point where they werent much more than roommates.

Perhaps it was the drinks they enjoyed at the various bars they visited en route tonight, or maybe it was the high altitude of the roof affecting her brain, but Joey suddenly felt a weird and bold urge to test him somehow.

Pacey may have known her like no one else, but not even he knew everything about her.

Before Jen died, when she was in the hospital? She glanced over at him, arms folded inside his jacket. We had this conversationshe wanted me to make her a promise.

Joey left it there, wondering what was even possessing her to share this with him now, when it was so far past the time it wouldve actually mattered in their lives.

And? he prompted her, arching one eyebrow slightly.

Gazing at him as he waited for her to explain, Joey then wondered if it would have matteredor would things have stayed the same. Would it have all turned out like this, regardless? She was never brave enough to find out.

She smiled sadly, realizing she still wasnt, and gradually gave into defeat. AndI wasnt able to keep it. I wouldve liked toI wouldve loved to, but I just couldnt do it.

Paceys lips parted and seemed to form some soundless thoughts before he spoke.

Why not?

I guess, at the time? She turned away to take a shaky breath, staring at the city lights. It seemed like it was just toohard. But sometimes I wish I could do it over. I sometimes wish I had another chance. I feel like I let her downnot to mention myself.

He was quiet another long moment, kicking at some gravel with his head bowed.

Well, personally? he said with a sigh. I think the thing Jen wanted most for all of us was to remember that life is for living. And the way I figure it? That means theres always room for a second chance.

No. I dont think so. Joeys smile was a thin watery line, and she refused to meet his eyes. Not this time.

Pacey frowned thoughtfully, gazing at her from under a furrowed brow, but didnt attempt to pry or prod any more out of her. Joey was both grateful and a little disappointed when he let the moment pass.

So, what dya say? He cleared his throat, bursting out a deeper and brighter tone. Feel like getting that dinner? Theres gotta be a good restaurant in this neighborhood, right? He lowered his voice to a comical mumble. Hopefully one that takes American Express

Honestly? Joey seemed to draw into herself on a sigh, feeling a little emotionally drained all of a sudden. I think Im starting to kind of fade here. Maybe we could just...

Sure, of courseI understand, he interrupted, and she could tell shed made him uncomfortableeven slightly embarrassed, as if hed only been taking up her time. Ill get you back to your hotel and then if you maybe want to do something tomorrow, before my flight

Oh, noIm sorry. She cut in, feeling equally as foolish now. I was actually going to suggest something a little more low-key than a dinner out at an overpriced restaurant. She bit her bottom lip. But if youd rather just call it a night, I

No, I dont, he quickly jumped to respond, obviously having misunderstood. I mean, if you dont.

I dont.

They both relaxed back into their old smiles then, only gazing at one another for a long moment. The rooftop breeze held a touch of warmth and sweetness, a remembrance of summers long past.

So, what were you thinking? Pacey finally asked, shrugging his shoulders to indicate he was up for just about anything.

She pursed her lips in thought. I dont knowmaybe a pizza, some beer and the free movies in my hotel room?

You know something, Potter? he sighed, motioning her ahead towards the stairwell with a gentlemanly bow and gesture of his hand. Thats honestly the best invitation Ive gotten in a long time.

She started forward; then stopped to glance back at him with a feigned sigh of sympathy.

And you know what, Pace? Thats really kind of sad.

He grinned and chuckled, touching his hand to the small of her back to guide her down the stairs.

Oh, dont I know it...





Finishing a story about some recent antics at the Icehouse, Pacey grinned to hear her laugh, the sound bubbling up from under her voice to sparkle and pop in the liquid depths of her rich brown eyes.

While he ran down to meet the pizza guy in the hotel lobby and pick them up some beer, she changed from her slim skirt into a simple white t-shirt and jeans, and now her willowy length and curves were draped across the bed, hair a long dark sheath of silk across her back. Shirttails tugged out of his trousers and shoes kicked aside, he sat right on the floor so she was just over his shoulder, a close and comfortable kind of proximity.

So, I wont be able make the trip back to Capeside this time around. She leaned forward to reach for her beer on the floor and he helped by lifting it halfway to her hand. But Ill definitely be coming home for Bodies fortieth at the end of August. Im actually planning a whole weeks vacation around it.

Pacey nodded his head as he took a bite of pizza. Bessie already booked the Icehouse. It should be a good time.

Yeah, Im looking forward to it. Joey picked a pepperoni off her slice before tilting her head with a smile, her beer halfway to her lips. So does he know anythings up?

As far as I know, hes totally in the dark. Pacey took a swallow of his own and shrugged his shoulder. Jack, Doug and I are supposed to tell him were taking him out for drinks once the big day is coming upthen the plan is to somehow get him there for the surprise.

Joey pulled the beer away from her mouth with a small smack of her lips. She left you three in charge of that? Arching an eyebrow, she feigned a dubious laugh. Ooh boy

Pacey narrowed his gaze sharply but smiled. Hey, have a little faith, will ya?

She met his look with a humorous smirk but then relented, giving him some credit, albeit begrudgingly. Well, okaymaybe just a little.

Thats all you can spare, huh? Holding her gaze, Paceys smile beamed, but then felt like he should redirect his attention somewhere else. His gaze landed on her watch, and he wondered how late it might be. Reaching up to grasp her wrist and tilt it closer, he couldnt seem to resist brushing his thumb over the warm pulse pointand even half imagined he felt it jump in response to his touch.

Damnis that really the time? he muttered and sighed, knowing somewhere deep down that he shouldnt be allowed to feel this familiar in her presence. Not anymore. I should probably be calling it a night. Hoisting himself up from the floor, he almost swayed a step and realized he must have had more to drink tonight than he thought. It was definitely time to go. Therell be cabs out front, right?

Well, yeah, probably Joey uncurled her ankles, stretching out her legs in one long, fluid motion before swinging around to climb off the bed. But its so late, Pace. You know what? She glanced around, motioning with one hand. Why dont you just sleep here? We can figure something out.

He smiled down at her standing before him in bare feet and gave the tip of her nose a gentle tap of his finger, because she was just that cute.

As tired as he was, Pacey hated to lose this feelingthe feeling he had from simply being with her. Of course, that was exactly why he should go, and go now.

Oh, I dont think a slumber party would really be appropriate, do you?

I suppose not. Joey frowned slightly but seemed unconvinced, pausing to push her hair behind her ears before she placed her hands on her hips. I just hate sleeping alone in hotel roomsand, well, I wasnt quite ready for you to go just yet, if you must know.

Pacey was picking his suit jacket up off the floor and stopped, straightening to meet her eyes on another slow smile. Inebriated or not, it still made him feel good to hear her say such things.

What can I say? Joey sighed and, lifting up on her toes, slung her arms around his neck for a farewell hug. I kind of miss having you aroundincorrigible punk that you are, she mumbled into his shoulder.

Oh, so now Im incorrigible, huh?

Yes. You are.

Pacey chuckled against her soft hair. Well, in any casethats kind of a coincidence, Potter he replied with a sigh, closing his eyes as he wrapped her up tight in his warm embrace. He rocked her once and then gave her a gentle, affectionate squeeze, holding her close to drop a kiss on top of her head as he breathed her in. Because I kind of miss being around.

He released her and gazed down to meet her eyes on a shared smile, his arms still feeling warm and full. Briefly, he wished he could take her up on that offer. Even here in the wee hours of the morning, he felt like there were so many things he still wanted to say.

He had picked up on something troubling in her voice when she mentioned Dawson earlier, back on that rooftop, but chose not to comment. It was best that he not get involved in any of their issuesfor all their sakes. What once was a tangled mess had finally started to loosen and unravel since they lost Jen, but that didnt mean there werent a few knots left behind here and there. Pacey was still tied to her, in so many ways.

Even when they were just kids, Dawson always struck Pacey as being more committed to his love of film than he ever was to his feelings for Joey. As far as he knew, that hadnt really changed. It was number one on a long list of things hed never in a million years understand about the guy. But he supposed it was only Joeys feelings for Dawson that really mattered herethat mattered to him, at least.

Reluctantly, he prepared to part, but then glanced over to notice something on the hotel nightstand next to the bed.

Um, Jo? he asked carefully, drawing out the words as he narrowed his gaze. Is there anything you want to tell me?

Like what? she asked, a faint line scoring her forehead.

He arched an eyebrow, trying not to smile. Like why youre supposed to be the only one staying in this roomyet theres a pair of what appear to be prescription eyeglasses sitting on your nightstand.

Her cheeks immediately turned pink and she quickly stepped away to grab them up, hiding them behind her back. No, theres not.

Oh, come on! Pacey burst out a guffaw at her lame attempt to cover.

I have no idea what youre talking about. Joey tilted her chin up. I see no glasses here.

Well, Im no expert, he said, blue eyes brimming with amusement, but maybe it would help if you put on your glasses.

She scowled as he chuckled again. Oh, just shut up about it, will you?

Its just me, Jo! Pacey went to reach behind her back. I just want to see how you look in them.

No. She shook her head insistently, twisting out of his reach, their arms tangling as they went hip-to-hip. I look terrible in themthats how I look.

Impossible, Pacey scoffed, going around her back with his other hand. You couldnt look bad if you tried, Potter. Now, cmonlet me just see them for a second!

No, Pacey She tried to get away again, but he managed to get in a quick poke and tickle, hitting just that right spot on her side. She laughed, shrieking softly in protest. Cut it out!

Im not leaving until I see those glassesso you might as well give up.

And you might as well bite me.

He laughed with her, trying to go in for the glasses again by diverting her with a lunge to her left. Joey caught him, turning away just in time, but that brought her right into his arms. And then, at the exact moment he went to issue another joking plea, she turned to meet his eyes on a playful reprimand.

And somehow, somewhere in the middle, they ended up in a kiss.

It was only the softest brush of lips, so slight it could have easily been dismissed away as some random accident. But it lingered onand then on a little moreuntil it was just long enough to be too long.

They broke away on tiny gasps of breath but did not separate; standing close but so still and silent. The moment held a tangible intensity, so much so that Pacey feared she could feel the pounding of his heart. Warm, shaky breaths mingling, neither one made any attempt to move or speak for what felt like a small eternity.

Finally, Joey took a step back. Her eyes were as huge and dark as the night outside when they met his, and she lifted her hand, bringing her fingertips to her bottom lip to touch the spot where hed just been.

Thats when Pacey remembered he found her to be a little more than just cute. In fact, she was so heartbreakingly beautiful that sometimes when he looked at her, he forgot to even breathe.

That shouldnt have happened, she whispered.

I know.

We cant

I know. Pacey swallowed and glanced down at the floor, doomed to repeat. I know.

Then their eyes met again, filled with the terrible, awful knowledge that sometimes the words I cant have nothing at all to do with what you really want.

I-Im sorry, he mumbled, at a loss for what else to say.

No, I am, she rushed to insist. Im the one who should be sorry. It was me

Pacey closed his eyes on a pained sigh, realizing how wrong it was of him to want that to be true. He so desperately wanted that to be trueso much it was a physical ache inside. Yet it wasnt because he wanted to assuage himself of the guilt. In fact, the reasons he wanted it to be true made him feel even guiltier still.

And there had been something vulnerable about her all eveninghe sensed it, responded to it, but couldnt quite put his finger on what it was. The problem, as always, was her vulnerability usually placed him in the most danger.

I shouldIm just going to go, he sighed, realizing there was no other alternative. He had to walk out that door.

It was like torture to look in her eyes again, but he couldnt stop himself. Though Joey made no attempt to argue, in her face he saw something that both buoyed and sank his heart. He saw that she was conflicted, too. There was some small part of her that wanted him to stay.

It was an act of near superhuman strength for Pacey to turn away then, but he did. And, walking out without a single word, he closed that door behind him.

Alone inside her hotel room, Joey dropped her head, squeezing her eyes shut against the hot, bitter sting of tears. She couldnt imagine feeling any worse, even if for that ten seconds in his arms shed never felt better.

Briefly, she was brought back to that day two years ago: Gales wedding, their dance and then that kiss. Pacey still had the ability to steal her breath away and sweep her off her feet. Only once again it seemed their whole world would come crashing down around them a moment later, the fear rushing back in to make her run.

With Pacey, she was always a mess of confused feelings, twisted and tangled up with indecision, doubt and fear, the clear light of her emotional revelations shining through only at the last possible instant. She didnt know why it had to be like that, or what it was about him. She only knew that it usually came too late. By the time she was ready to give him her heart, to give him herself, he was gone and it all lay in broken pieces at her feet. Thats the way it had always been.

Gulping back a sob, she released a shaky breath, her hands trembling as she pushed her hair back off her face. She was turning away towards the bed, ready to crawl under the covers and never come out, when she suddenly turned back for the door.

She flung it open to call after him, his name springing to her lips, but was suddenly frozen to the spot when she found herself looking directly into his eyes.

Her mouth went dry, heartbeat racing, but they only gazed at each other for one long, unbroken moment on the threshold, the dark, bruised blue of his eyes reflecting all the guilt, desire and need in hers. Yet not a single word was exchangedas if by not saying it, they somehow might not be responsible for what was about to happen.

This was the secret they kept, the passion that lurked beneath; ignored but not extinguished. It was what they couldnt have, wouldnt let themselves have, but always craved.

Her heart craved him, and tonight it wouldnt be denied.

Swept into his arms as the door swung shut, Joey released a small sound, something between a gasp and tortured sob. Paceys lips moved over hers with such tenderness, yet with an intensity and hunger that stole her breath. She moaned softly and his tongue slipped into her mouth, warm, moist, gently probing, always searching for something she wasnt sure she could give.

Yet he never asked, begged or demanded anything from her. He only gave her more of himself.

He poured all of his lust and desire into the kiss, his tongue making a slow, delicious sweep of her mouth, until she was weak and dizzy from it, reeling with the sensation of falling. Then her back was against the wall, held there by the hard press of his body, and she was kissing him back with everything inside her. She sealed her mouth against his, effectively sealing their fate.

Pacey groaned quietly, softening then deepening the kiss, his large hands smoothing up her back before plunging down her spine, clutching at her t-shirt in desperate fistfuls as he pulled her in close.

Joey greedily ran her hands over his back, his arms and chest, wanting to feel him. His body was hard, unyielding, muscles tensed and straining as they bulged beneath the fabric of his shirt, and she struggled with the buttons before he helped her get it off. They both murmured quiet moans of satisfaction once her hands sought and found the incredible smooth softness of his skin, and all that hard heat and electricity coursing just underneath.

Breaking away from her mouth, Pacey swept the hair off her neck with a brush of his hand before he layered soft kisses over sensitive skin, his tongue dipping into the slender hollow of her throat before softly sucking at her pulse points. The warm slide of his tongue made her tingle, the rough stubble of his beard sending shivers down her spine. Joey felt her knees buckle, and the next moment he was sweeping her up in his arms to carry her to the bed.

She sat up on her knees, hurriedly helping him get her t-shirt off and over her head before she slipped out of her jeans. Paceys hot blue eyes raked over her body, igniting new fires, before lingering on the silk and lace of her bra and panties. It was the only pair of pricey lingerie in her wardrobe. Joey didnt want to even think about why she just so happened to have it on tonight.

With a flick of his wrist, he had the bra off, his hands palming the creamy mounds as he eased her back on the bed with another soul-stealing kiss. For a moment, it felt like she was falling again, only this time in slow motion, and then the rest came to her in a heavenly, hazy blur.

His hands smoothed their way down her body, parting her trembling thighs and caressing circles as his warm breath eased over her skin. The brush of his fingertips left a trail of fire in their wake; followed by the sweet, soothing press of his soft, most lips. Then he was there, between her legs, breathing so hot against her.

Joey whimpered, her hips lifting right off the bed. He took that opportunity to ease the flimsy silk of her panties down, sliding them all the way off to leave her totally open and exposed. She closed her eyes on a shaky moan, grabbing for a fistful of pillow when she finally felt his incredible mouth on her, tasting her, torturing her. He flicked his tongue once, causing her hips to thrust up uncontrollably; then did it again, and again, before plunging it inside that honeyed heat. Her head arched back as she cried out his name.

Then his hand was there, his mouth still on her, tongue tracing slow circles as he stroked and caressed wet flesh, swiftly and skillfully locating her sweet spot with a crook of his fingers. She clenched her quivering thighs around him, her moans escalating to short, breathy cries. Never before had desire so overwhelmed all her senses. Her body screamed for more, so vibrant and alive, even as every stroke of his hand made her gasp as though drawing her last dying breath.

She came with a softly strangled scream, turning to bury her face, and the sound, in her pillow. Heart still racing in the wake of her release, Joey experienced that brief moment of utter vulnerability, guard completely down, left trembling and whimpering beneath him. It was then that thoughts of the consequences began to creep up on her, but she forced them back down. Joey needed this, so much. She needed him, if only for one night. She refused to think of anything else.

Pacey pulled back to shove down his pants and boxers, but then he was there, propped above her, gently tugging the pillow away so she would have to meet his eyes. Her full breasts rising and falling with labored breaths, Joey only stared back into his face in a silent exchange.

Gazes locked, he positioned himself between her thighs, nudging her legs wide with his knees before he grasped her left leg, hooking it over his hip. Joeys body tensed to felt the brush of his hard erection against her stomach, breathless with the nervous thrill of anticipation, her hands sliding around his waist as he slid down to meet her.

That first powerful, penetrating thrust stole the air from her lungs in a harsh gasp, ripped from her chest, freeing all those feelings hidden so deep within her heart, those feelings she never wanted to feel. But the ache of loss, the torture of guilt, the agony of regret were all swept away in the burning, urgent heat of his passiontaking her the way she had only fantasized about for so long. She dug her fingers into the taut muscles of his back to hold on, his short grunts punctuating her breathy moans as she pushed back against his thrusts.

He eventually rolled with her on the bed, grasping her hips as she straddled his body, her hair falling down around her face as she met his eyes. And they smiled. She told him once she liked it on top; even that, of course, he would remember. And this was their momentfor tonight, their whole world. They would make it last.

She lifted up and then sank down, taking him inside in a slow, deep slide to savor the exquisite torture as he filled her so completely. Pacey let out choked groan when she started to move above him, flinging her long hair back to rock her hips against the steady, strong rhythm of his upward strokes.

All too soon, she felt the tension mounting, her body tightening, the throb starting at her very core. As much as she tried to prolong the sweet torture, fighting for control, when she slowed the thrusts of her hips she only felt him with a deeper, more centered intensity. And he felt so good. He stretched her and filled her and pulsed so deep within her that Joey came a second time with her lips parted in a silent, surprised gasp, a small shudder rocking through her body.

As the soundless cry left her lips, Pacey sat up, his strong arms wrapping around her on his lap. He covered her breasts in slow, hot, open-mouthed kisses as he brought his hand up to cup the full weight of one, teeth grazing the hard, erect nipple before he soothed the rosy bud in the warm bath of his tongue. As his mouth moved over to lavish the same loving attention on the other, he kneaded the creamy flesh, teasing the nipple again with the pad of his thumb.

Joey moaned, nerves shattered, grasping at the back of his head to clench fistfuls of short, dark hair, feeling him everywhere, inside and out. She was barely recovered from the throes of her orgasm before he was pushing her over onto her back, easing down flat onto the disheveled sheets to position her body beneath him.

Her legs went around his waist as he immediately began to thrust again, hard, his hips lifting up to plunge deep, burning so deep within her, a relentless ache of pleasure that left her helpless to do anything but moan and arch for more. Her body begged for more, and he answered her every plea, a passion so intense it hurt.

Gradually, he gradually shifted onto his knees, changing the angle of penetration, going deeper still and then slower, and even slower again as he gazed down into her eyes. One hand cradling and caressing her face, he paused every so often to steal what little breath she had left in a succession of warm, soft kisses, buried so deep inside.

As much as she wanted himwanted thisJoey wasnt expecting him to make love to her this way, so tenderly and intimately, as if inside a dream where they still belonged to one another. For a moment it seemed almost a cruel trick, but then it seemed futile to resist and with a whimper she gave herself over to the flood of feelings, the height of joy and the depths of pain. Her lashes were wet with tears, swimming in the blue of his, and thats how she came yet a third timelooking into his eyes.

Pacey followed immediately after, burying his face in her neck with a low, muffled groan as he whispered her name. Her eyes blinded by teary emotions, arms clinging to his broad shoulders, she only wanted to revel in the feel of him pulsing so deep and hot inside her as he came, that perfect moment of complete intimacyof being complete.

Joey gave all of herself to him in that moment because she had nothing left to lose, while he, in turn, gave her everything back.





When Pacey opened his weary eyes to the gritty, pale gray sunlight of the city morning, he couldnt imagine feeling any worse. He shifted slightly, arm slung behind his head as he gazed up at the ceiling. And he couldnt imagine feeling better.

Everything about this felt wrongthe generic hotel room, overly-starched sheets, the insistent pounding of a mild hangover, his sense of disorientation to awake in the middle of a strange place, in a strange bedand yet, at the same time, it felt completely right.

He glanced over at her sleeping next to him then, eyes drifting over the curve of her shoulder, the smooth bronze tan of satin skin, dark silky hair spread across the pillow.

It felt right to wake up next to Joey. And he couldnt even begin to comprehend that kind of wrong.

All the pain and joy he found with her, in her, last night seemed to linger in this moment, even as she lay asleep. To be immersed in her taste and scent, to bury himself so deep within her, had been the sweetest kind of agony, because it forced him to remember there was a difference between living and merely existing. Now he wasnt sure he could go back to the way it was before.

He heard the sounds of her stirring a few moments later, but then she was unusually quiet. Though she lay facing away from him, Pacey knew she was awake. And when he noticed her bring the sheet up, clutching it to her chest, he knew what she was probably thinking.

So they both lay there, pretending to be asleeppretending a lot of things.

Finally the sheet came off, and she swung her legs over to quickly rise from the bed. Pacey allowed himself one guilty glimpse of her sexy, toned body before it disappeared under the drape of an oversized t-shirt. And then she disappeared altogether, slipping into the bathroom without even a glance in his direction to close the door.

Pacey blew out a sigh and hoisted himself up. He sat there a moment, arms resting on his knees as he propped his body against the headboard and stared at the door in a morose, weary confusion. Yet even still, his heart beat faster than it had in years.

When Joey came out, she had to sweep her bed-tousled hair out of her eyes to meet his gaze, but both were immediately locked into the agonizing, terrible knowledge of what theyd done.

While barely a single word was exchanged, every kiss and touch last night spoke of years of longing and regret, lust and love, of a deeply intimate connection that they still shared. Everything that had been left unspoken poured out of them and into the moment, but that didnt mean it had all been said.

Soare we going to talk about this? he asked. Even still, a faint, weak light of hope struggled through the murky dark depths of fear, regret and guilt.

What is there to say? Joey shot back, wary and agitated, all that was so sweet and sexy and vulnerable about her last night locked away tight, the walls going up to shut out that light in her eyes. Wed been drinkingtalking about Jen earlier. I know I was emotional, and Iand I

Her words trailed off uselessly at that point. Pacey only bowed his head on a quiet, achy sigh, realizing they both knew the brutal truth.

If it was the moments that defined them, it was the silences that made them who they were.

They both knew what happened between them last night wasnt two old friends reaching out for comfort and a warm body. And it wasnt just because they were bored or dissatisfied and left alone to temptation. Fiery hot and smooth as warm silk kisses, it had been explosive and heated, a palpable sexual energy that created an urgent yet undeniable need, scary in the kind of raw and exposed intensity that they shouldnt be feelingat least not for each other.

As much as he loved Andie, when he touched her hed never felt that same spark of warm electricity coursing under silky skin that ignited a flame within, surging so hotly through his blood like an addictive drug. Pacey hated himself for feeling that with someone elsefor feeling it with Joeybut he was incapable of ignoring it or stopping it.

The one thing that made him feel so alive would probably end up being the death of him.

When Joey spoke again, she left out any more attempts at an excuse.

Pacey, there are two people out there who were supposed to love and what happened hereit could ruin both their lives. Her voice trembled with tears. They didnt do anything to deserve that.

I knowI know that, he insisted with a pained sigh, dropping his head to run his hand over his short hair. But Im sorry He lifted his eyes to meet hers again, his voice now husky and raw. He had laid himself open before her last night, and was left here in the light of day, exposed. I cant call you a mistake, Jo. I cant

Dont She turned away, shivering as she folded her arms across her chest. Dont do that, she begged, a faint tortured sob tearing through her voice.

Do what? he demanded, hating that she couldnt even look at him now.

You know what! She burst out in a sudden fury, arms in the air. I am with Dawson and you are with Andie! Those are choices we made in life, Pacey, and how are we ever supposed to tell them? I dont know if hell ever forgive me after thislet alone want to salvage our relationship! And who could even blame him? How can I not hate myself for what Ive done?

Pacey winced inwardly at this. The pain of her admission ripped through his gut, and he felt like it left him bleeding.

In the back of his mind, he considered the possibility that they might be waking up this morning and trying to figure out how to honestly and most respectfully end these two relationships, not save them. He realized now in the harsh light of day that had only been some pathetic, escapist kind of immature fantasy.

His lips parted, but it took him a few moments to form actual words, feeling like it was some surrender to defeat.

We dont.

Joey turned to face him finally, her tearful expression contorted in anger and confusion.

What?

Pacey self-consciously fingered the sheet draped over his lap, naked beneath, and shrugged a shoulder. Why hurt them if we dont have to? Maybe the best thing for everyone would be if this just stayed between us He lifted his heavy eyes back to hers, his voice growing smaller. With me and you.

A thought passed through his head just briefly that this would probably be the last time he ever got to say those words with any kind of meaning or significance. And hed risked his marriage, his whole life, for this.

Thats when another thought passed through Paceys head, one that shamed him more than he cared to admit.

Given the chance, hed probably do it again.

Joey released a small choked sound of sad disbelief. Doesnt that only make it even more of a betrayal?

He shook his head slowly, hearing his voice crack slightly in the tense hush of the room.

It just makes it ours.

Joey said nothing, just staring at him a long moment with those huge, impossibly dark, ever-changeable eyes. And Pacey only sat there, shredded.

Ours. They werent allowed to have that, or even use the word. More importantly, they shouldnt even want nor need it in their lives.

Yet there it was, left unspoken like all the rest.

You should go, she whispered hoarsely. You need to leave now, Pacey.

She turned away and he got up from the bed, blowing out a sigh of resignation, but there was no argument he could offer when he knew she was right. He hiked up his boxers and pants, left crumpled together on the floor, and then clumsily buttoned his shirt.

Joey stood silent, arms wrapped around her body and head down. He paused to glance at her.

Im leaving today. I have a four-thirty flight back to Boston. Hesitating, he felt his throat tighten. With, um, Delta...so He let his voice trail off there, the pain starting to constrict his voice. He didnt know what he expected her to do with that information. He just wanted her to know.

Joey only nodded her head slightly in response and then he left, neither one ever managing to say the one thing they knew shouldthe only thing left to say.

Goodbye.





Pacey sat hunched, elbows resting on his knees and his head slightly bowed. His duffel lay on the grimy floor at his feet, and he tapped the boarding pass in his hand against the warped metal arm of his chair.

Every so often he would lift his dark eyes, his brow furrowing as he glanced around, peering through the teeming crowds of strangers for a glimpse of somethingof someonefamiliar.

He thought she might be here. He didnt know why. Granted, when he left her room this morning there didnt seem to be a shot in hell. Yet still, he kept looking.

Swiping his hand down his face in a weary gesture, his body as tired as his heart, Pacey felt himself turning into that guy againthe one with that futile and hopeless obsession, so desperate to be close that he only ended up scaring her away.

We are now boarding for Flight 609. Flight 609 to Bostonall passengers please come to the gate

Glancing down again, he blew out a heavy sigh. Apparently what happened in New York would stay in New York. He would get on that plane and return to his life in Capeside, and she would go back to Dawson. There was no other option, no alternative to consider.

Dudeare you coming?

Aidan was standing over him, travel bag slung over his back with his boarding pass in hand, and giving him a strange look.

Ah, yeah Pacey coughed to clear his throat on his evasive reply. I might, um, have to hit the head first. You go ahead.

Man Aidan laughed uncertainly, shaking his head as he moved with the flow of the crowd to board. Thats some hangover you got goin on, huh? If Andies pissed when we get home, Im telling her it wasnt me that did it to you.

Pacey only offered a weak imitation of a guilty smile, unable to meet his eyes. The mention of his wifes name shouldve had him up and out of that seat, getting on that plane to go home, but instead he lingered, waiting.

The one last hope to which he held was that he wouldnt just be some huge mistake, only something Joey would forever regret. Pacey wanted to believe she might have felt just a little of what he felt. That would be enough for him. But to hear her admit that she hated herself for being with himwell, suffice to say that pretty much should have torched, decimated and destroyed any shred of hope he had left. And yet still he clung.

Finally rising from his chair, he suddenly felt an even swifter rise inside his chest, catching a glimpse of a tall and willowy brunette hurrying his way through the throngs of airport travelers. For a moment, Paceys heart stopped, balanced on that precipice, ready to take off and soar. But then the crowd parted to provide a clearer view, and he felt only the crashing drop of disappointment to see it wasnt her.

Last call for passengers of Flight 609 to Boston

Reluctantly, he made his way to the boarding gate, walking stiffly as his gaze lingered, looking back, first over one shoulder and then the other. As the attendant checked his pass, he hoisted the duffel on his shoulder and let his gaze make one slow, final sweep of the terminal. But she wasnt coming, and it was time for him to leave.

Hope wasnt going to make this flight.





Outside the airport, sitting in the backseat of a city taxicab parked at the curb, Joey tilted her eyes upwards, watching a silvery glint of sunlight off the jet engine as it lifted high into the sky, a tiny speck gradually disappearing into the blue.

Only when it was completely out of sight did she turn to the driver

Im sorry.can you please take me back to my hotel?

The cabbie only gave her a skeptical glance in his rearview mirror and then pulled away from the airport curb with a weary snort of breath. He made no comment, however, probably because hed dealt with his fair share of crazy passengers in New York. It was her fare, after all.

In the backseat, Joey was silent as well, only staring out the window as she watched the city rush by in a teary blur, using what little strength she had left not to look back.





Paceys gaze drifted over the waitress schedule in his hand as he drummed the edge of his desk blotter with the tip of his pen. Making no changes, he passed it back to Courtney, his floor manager, without comment.

Thats all set? she asked, hesitating with a dubious frown. You dont think I should put one additional person on the dinner shift for Saturday? We already have reservations for two big parties that night.

Nah, thatll fine, he shook his head on a sigh, his eyes drifting away towards his computer screen. Ill be here, and if I think were going to need more help Ill just call around to see who can come in.

Youre working the weekend again? She seemed surprised. Nothat cant be right.

Pacey shifted his dark gaze back to her only briefly, just a slight dip of sarcasm in his tone. Im sorryare you now in charge of my schedule, too? Because I didnt get that memo.

No, she replied with a touch of sheepish laughter and turned to go. I just figured, you knowyou might want to spend at least one of these Saturdays nights taking your wife out to dinner instead of serving it here.

Pacey dropped his eyes back to the stack of invoices on his desk. Well, my wife works weekends, tooso there you go.

Okay. Courtney nodded her head once, but gave him another quick glance before she left. Im just gong to go post this, then.

You do that, Pacey sighed to himself once he was alone.

Involuntarily, his eyes were drawn back to the computer screen, checking his e-mail for the countless time since he arrived at work. He didnt really expect to see a message from her there, however. And, as often as he checked, he still hadnt worked up the courage to send one.

It had been over three weeks, and he couldnt get her out of his mind. He thought about her almost constantly when he was awake, and even dreamed about her when he was able to sleep. Yet everyday he went on with his life, business as usual, all the while hiding the terrible secret of his guilt from the one person he was supposed to be sharing his life with.

It had been one of Andies first questions when he got back to Capeside.

Did you get a chance to meet up with Joey?

Ah, yeah he mumbled, ducking past her in the doorway to place his duffel down in the front hall. We met for a drink.

And how is she?

Shes good, he said softly, already missing her so much it ached to say her name, and realizing in that moment that walking back into his house didnt feel the same as coming home.

Joey hadnt been a real part of his daily life in nearly ten years, so why after only one night together did he feel her absence like this giant hole? As much as the longing made him feel sick and ashamed, however, he couldnt stop it if he tried. It was something that lived inside him.

Screw this, he decided finally, in an emotional rush of impulsivity. He was driving himself crazy trying to figure out what Joey might be thinking, and if she was okay.

Blowing out a sigh, Pacey finally opened a new message in his inbox. Fingers poised above the keyboard, heart pounding, he swallowed audibly when his throat began to constrict with the stranglehold of fear. Usually when he was acting on impulse, he was able to throw himself into the rash action, consequences be damnedbut the ten seconds he needed to compose his thoughts to write a simple note were enough to partially paralyze.

Just then, Courtney poked her head back in with a singsong lilt to her voice. Paceyyou have a visitor!

He glanced over just as she disappeared and Andie appeared in her place in the doorway. He then swiveled so fast to get away from his keyboard that he knocked over his cup of coffee, spilling it onto his invoices.

Oh! she exclaimed softly, rushing forward to help.

Fuck, Pacey muttered, standing from his chair to try to sort out the mess. He picked up a few pages, sopping wet with running ink, watching as Andie jumped into action, grabbing wads of tissues to blot the rest of the desk dry.

Therethats it, she sighed and smiled, then glanced at the pages in his hand to joke. Those I think youll have to hang out to dry.

Yeah, he tried to chuckle with her as he turned to drop them in the trash, but the effort hurt his chest. I can request copies or something

I guess, based on that reaction, its been a while since I showed up unannounced to visit you at work, huh? she smiled wryly.

He only nodded his head as he returned the smile, but couldnt quite meet her eyes. Its still a nice surprise, he offered lamely, still keeping the barrier of his desk between them. And to what do I owe the pleasure?

Andie shrugged, her long blonde hair swept back off her face, looking trim and pretty in a pinstriped blouse and slim black pants. She still wore a tiny pin above her blouse pocket with the Falmouth Clinic emblem identifying her as Andrea Witter, MD. I was hoping to take you to lunchmy treat.

Lunch, huh? Well, I dont know if

Courtney just mentioned to me that its kind of slow here today, she jumped in to explain, wringing her hands slightly. So thats why I figured you might be able to get awayat least for like an hour?

Well, um, I still have this paperwork Pacey sighed, but he couldnt ignore the hint of a pleading edge in her voice. But yeah, he lifted his hands to gesture, how can I turn down an offer of free lunch, especially from a beautiful woman?

His response was forced at best, and he noticed Andie glance down at the floor with a sad smile.

Have I done this to us? she asked, her voice so soft he barely heard her.

Done what? he frowned, confused but on edge.

Turned us into this she explained on a miserable sigh, gesturing between them as the words tumbled out in an emotional fall. I mean, you havent wanted to even touch me in weeks, and I know its probably because I put pressure on you about having a baby, but now its like theres this constant weird tension and I

Andieno, Pacey rushed to assure her, quickly coming around his desk to shut his office door for privacy. Its not you, he insisted with a grimace as he turned back to face her and grasped her shoulder in a gentle hold. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her. Its meits just something Im going through.

She gazed up at him, tearful and beseeching. Well, maybe if you told me what it was, I could help, Pacey.

Im sorry. He dropped his head, the pain of guilt knifing through his gut. But I cantI cant because Im not even sure what it is, he finished on a sigh, hating that all he could do was lie to her now. It had to stop. But I will get through it, he promised her, because that was all he had to give. Ill bebetter.

Andie slid into his arms, locking around his waist, and Pacey pressed a weak kiss to the top of her head.

It had to get better, because he couldnt feel any worse.





It had been over two months. At first, Joey had been keeping track of the days, marking them down in her head with the black mark of her guilt, feeling like it was only a matter of time before her crime caught up with her. But Dawson still, as ever, remained oblivious.

He asked about Pacey and her trip to New York, of course, wearing that faintly amused smirk that always shadowed his expression when he spoke his name. Joey told him they were able to meet up for a drink. Dawson didnt bother to ask any moreJoey certainly didnt bother to tell him.

That same night, however, he remarked casually over dinner that it had been a really long while since they spent any quality time together. And then he apologized, taking the blame for being so wrapped up in work.

Joey said nothing. How could she, when anything that left her mouth would have to be some form of a lie?

The sad truth, however, was that their problems went far beyond any third party involvement. She knew Dawson would probably agree, if they ever even bothered to take the time to talk about their relationship (or lack thereof). Now she was only left to wonder who would be the first to say it.

When you work that hard to convince yourself that you want something, its equally as hard to admit it didnt turn out to be what you imagined once you finally have it.

So she wasnt really surprised when he decided he was too busy to take the time off for a trip back home with her for Bodies party. Despite his claims, rather than spend more time together it seemed both kept finding reasons to be apart.

Packing for her trip (and deciding which outfits wouldnt clash with that giant scarlet A emblazoned on her chest), Joey paused to recheck the time of her flight reservations. And, as she had done nearly every hour of every day these past few weeks, she checked her e-mail for his name.

If she had been lonely before in LA, it was nothing compared to now.

That night in New York, hidden away in her small hotel room, in a city full of millions of people, there was a moment where Joey felt like no one else existed but the two of them. Once again, the world came crashing in around them, the awful reality of their situations exposed in the blinding light of day.

She couldnt forget how Pacey looked the last time she saw him that morning. With his sleepy blue eyes and bed-tousled hair, he wore the sweet hurt and confusion of a boy in his expression yet had the undeniable body of a manlean muscled torso, the spattering of dark hair against tanned skin and those arms, so strong yet tender. Joey never wanted him more, craving his body, aching for his touch, even with the horrifying knowledge of what theyd done. At once both aroused and ashamed, she hated herself a little for itand was plagued by the awful fear that he might hate her for it, too.

Is that what usually happens? The guy goes back to his wife and the other woman gets branded the evil, scheming harlot and vixen who tried to steal him away. She becomes the criminal, in order that he may maintain his innocence and go on with his married life.

And what of DawsonDawson, with whom she was still technically involved, even if was only the outward appearance of a committed relationship? He wouldnt be spared from the hurt. After Jens death he was finally able to leave all those old animosities and hurt feelings behind, and he tried to renew a real friendship with Pacey. Once again, Joey had managed to come between them. This time, however, going back was out of the question. Lives would be ruined for good.

Needless to say, with these kinds of thoughts plaguing her the past few weeks, by now she was a complete nervous wreck, unable to think of anything but seeing Pacey again and how truly awkward and awful it would probably be.

It didnt help matters that shed been feeling a little under the weather. Between worried, sleepless nights and her stomach too tied up in knots to leave room for food, shed been dragging all week, late for work and missing appointmentswhich, of course, only added to her stress levels. In fact, she was probably making herself sick. She nearly had to throw up on the plane when the pilot announced their descent into Boston.

It was nearly ten oclock when the shuttle van finally pulled into the gravel driveway of the B&B, the house softly lit from within on the warm summer night as crickets chirped in the marsh and clear starlight sparkled overhead.

Bodie would still be at the restaurant on his usual Friday night shift, but Bessie was there. Through the paned glass windows, Joey could see her sister moving around the kitchen, wearing her powder blue robe as she heated up a pot of tea, and it suddenly brought back an unexpectedly bittersweet memory of her mother. As Joey stood outside in the dark, suitcase at her feet, the scene made something inside her throat ache.

When she stepped inside the house, easing the screen door open to carry in her bags, Bessie glanced over with a smile.

Joeyfinally! She came out from the kitchen, cinching the sash of her robe. We expected to see you much earlier.

I know, she sighed wearily. Im sorry. I missed my flight and had to take a later one. I wanted to be here to help you out with the party stuff.

Its all under control, Bessie assured her. I paid the band, ordered the cake, the balloons, Pacey went over the final menu with me yesterdaywere just going to throw up some decorations tomorrow afternoon and were good to go. She grabbed the suitcase to move it into the hallway; then headed back into the kitchen. So, we saved you a plate from dinner. Can I heat it up while you unpack and get settled?

Joey could detect the aromas still lingering in the kitchenroasted chicken and herbs. While only moments ago in the shuttle van she had been starving, now her stomach lurched with even the suggestion of food. Was her nausea induced by the mere mention of his name?

Honestly? Joey shook her head as she moved towards the hallway. I think I just want to go crash for the night. But thanks.

Well, okayif youre sure. Well see you in the morning.

Joey dragged her suitcase to her room and then dropped to the bed. She was so tired she actually ached. This had to be the fluor a pretty severe case of cheaters remorse.

She barely had the strength or energy to undress and get under the covers, but as soon as her eyes fell closed, forbidden thoughts of him rushed inhis soft, warm mouth on her skin, his incredible hands on her body, the gravelly murmur of his husky voice whispering her namea hundred guilty glimpses into those stolen moments of passion.

Pacey invaded her dreams, just as hed done every night since the one they shared in New York. But his presence was far too strong here in Capeside and Joey was far too exhausted to shut him out this time. So as she drifted off, she let the memory of his touch and every kiss wash over her, filling her completely.

Even knowing in the morning it would make the emptiness all the more acute.





It was times like this that made Joey remember there were specific reasons why she left this town.

Fingers fumbling with the thin ribbon of the balloon as she tiedor at least attempted to tieit to the chair, she was so nervous her hands were actually shaking.

Of course, she probably had good reason to be, seeing as they were at the Icehouse and at any given moment Pacey could be walking through that door. She was actually a little surprised he wasnt here. Apparently hed been present all morning and for the lunch shift, but now that the restaurant was closed and preparations were underway for the private party it would be hosting this evening, he was nowhere to be found.

It was strange enough, in fact, that she had actually overheard a couple of his wait staff question his whereaboutswhich only led Joey to worry that she might have the only answer.

Pacey wasnt here because of her.

Hey, Joey? Jack called over, half of an unfurled birthday banner in his hands. You have any idea where Bessie wanted this to go?

Um, yeah she sighed distractedly, trying to remember what it was her sister had told her before she left to pick up the cake. Im pretty sure she wants it draped right over the table for the buffet.

Which is going right here, one waitress offered pointing to the wall where the busboys were arranging the serving platters.

Joey nodded her head, noticing that there were two exposed ceiling beams in perfect position.

Here, Jack She dragged a chair over. You can hand it up to me.

Gripping the back of the chair for support as she balanced to stand, Joey realized it was more than just her hands that felt shaky. Once again, she hadnt eaten anything today, yet managed to suck down two large iced coffees from Dunkin Donuts to try to shake that tired, achy feeling. Now her stomach wasnt very happy with her.

Got it? Jack asked, lifting one end of the banner up to her hands.

Joey glanced down to take it from him, but suddenly the whole room seemed to spin around her at a crazy carnival ride tilt. Dizzy and disoriented, the loss of equilibrium made her feel sick again, and she felt a bitter rise of nausea burn the back of her throat. As a dark tunnel closed in on her vision, Joey was afraid she might throw up right then and there in front of everyone.

Then everything suddenly went black.

Joey? Joeyare you okay?

Gradually, she was aware of people and voices around her. She realized she was now sitting on the restaurant floor, Jack at her side to support her upright position with the cradle of his arm. Some wait staff milled around, looking dubious and concerned. And there, at her feet, was Andie.

Be careful, Joey she warned her softly. Im afraid you might have twisted this ankle.

Joey dropped her gaze, unable to even look her in the eye, ashamed and mortified to have ended up in this position. Gingerly, she tried to move her foot, but felt no painat least not in that particular spot.

Noits fine. Im okay.

Well, I dont think youre exactly okay, Andie smiled kindly. You just fainted and almost fell off a chair.

Joey glanced at Jack, realizing he must have caught her, the worried lines still etched in his forehead. She suddenly felt more than embarrassmentshe felt awful to have possibly reminded everyone of that terrible moment with Jen.

She moved to get up then against their protests, but almost immediately had to shed her light summer cardigan, feeling increasingly hot even though the day was unseasonably cool.

Hereat least take a seat for a minute, Jack sighed, bringing her to the closest chair.

Its okay, Joey assured them. Ive been sick with a touch the flu or something. Thats all.

How long have you been feeling like this? Andie asked, assuming a more professional tone.

Rubbing her forehead to shield her guilt-filled eyes, Joey took a moment to consider the question. There was no possible way she could give Andie the real, unedited versionoh, just the past two weeks since I booked my flight home, knowing Id have to come face-to-face your husband for the first time since that amazing, mind-blowing sex we had back in New York, when he spent the night in my hotel room.

Maybe a couple of weeks now? she replied with some reluctant uncertainty. It definitely comes and goes. Sometimes I feel fine, other times not. Ive been a lot more tired than usual, thoughbut work has been crazy, so theres not a lot of time in my schedule for rest and fluids. In fact, I was kind of hoping to catch up on some of that on this trip home, she added, and grabbed her sweater as she moved to stand again, so maybe I should just head back to the B&B and

Well, waitI just want to be sure youre okay. Andie stopped her with some firm insistence, and then glanced around at the assembled crowd. Hey guys? You maybe want to give us just a minute here?

They all smiled at Andie and then made themselves scarce, but even in that brief interaction Joey could tell how much they all probably liked and respected her here at the restaurantPaceys restaurant. And just when she didnt think she could feel worse, another wave of remorse and regret would hit her, forcing her to realize just what shed done.

Have there been any other symptoms? Andie asked once they were alone, even Jack leaving them with some privacy. Her fingers were on Joeys wrist, presumably checking the rate of her pulse, but to Joey it felt a little like being hooked to a polygraph machine. Is this the first time youve felt faint, or have there been other occasions?

Joey frowned, shifting nervously and avoiding direct eye contact. It was more than awkward to be in this kind of close proximity, but she realized under the heavy load of guilt, there was another feeling secretly lurking. In looking everywhere but directly at Andies face, Joey glimpsed the glint of a diamond earring, the slender slope of her neck, the fine silkiness of her blonde hair, the shadow of cleavage visible in her blouse.

Was she feeling more terrible about the fact she had Pacey in her bed for one nightor the fact that Andie had him every night?

Maybe one other time last week, she admitted with a frown, pushing her hair behind her ear, but I worked through lunch and I had skipped breakfast. I meant to grab something from the sandwich shop downstairs, but never made it down there. So I got up from my desk and it sort of hit me in a wave, and I felt kind of, um.woozy. But I didnt black completely out. Im sure its just some stomach bug.

Again, she moved to stand, every instinct crying out for her escape.

Thats possible, Andie agreed. Of course, its also possible that you could be pregnant.

Joey froze midway out of her chair. If thats supposed to a joke, she smirked darkly, you really need to work on your delivery.

Im serious, Andie insisted. Is that possible, Joey? When was the date of your last period?

She squirmed uncomfortably. Her bra was hurting her, feeling tight and ill-fitting, so she had to assume it would be coming any day now. As she gave the question some more consideration, thinking back, she remembered last month had been a very light monthbut at least it was something. Feeling so stressed by the weight of guilt, she wasnt surprised that it would affect her in a physical way. In fact, the same thing used to happen back in college from time to time, especially during exams.

It came on the first of the month, she replied with a touch of wry sarcasm. Just like the mortgage, right on schedulesort of.

Andie tilted her head. What do you mean, sort of?

I just had a very light month, thats all, Joey explained as delicately as possible. She didnt feel comfortable sharing even the tiniest personal detail with Andie right nownot when she was hiding such a huge and awful secret.

A lot of pregnant women have breakthrough bleeding. Andie seemed skeptical, as if she could tell Joey was holding something back. Spotting is common.

Well, we can safely rule out that possibility, okay? she offered in a rush of words, dismissive of her concerns as she lowered her voice to a furtive whisper. Im on the pill.

And a lot of women have gotten pregnant on the pill, Andie replied, the corner of her mouth curving up in a faint smirk. There is no method of birth control that is one hundred percent effective one hundred percent of the timewell, save abstinence.

Joey swallowed, feeling her chest tighten along with her throat. Her cheeks felt hot again. She and Dawson might as well have been practicing that method. In fact, in the last two months, she wasnt having any sex at all.

Well, except for that one night.

The night in New York she shared with Pacey.

Andie frowned, her eyes narrowing in scrutiny. Youre looking pale again. Are you going to be okay?

Joeys hand fluttered to her face, wondering how that was possible when she felt so flush.

Y-yeah, she replied hesitantly. Her heartbeat was beginning to race erratically and it was difficult to breath, the moment all too surreal. Here was Andie suggesting she might be in a family way, never knowing what that could mean to her own familyto her marriage. I think Im just going to head back to the B&B for a while before the party starts. Im sure a nap and a bite to eat is all I need to feel better.

Oh, why dont you let me give you a ride?

No! I mean, noIm fine. She shook her head, already on her way towards the door. I can walk. I think the fresh air will help.

Okay, well, hopefully well see you tonight.

Freedom in her reach, the restaurant doors wide open to the harbor breeze, Joey was just about to step outside when she almost ran smack into Pacey. Speechless, they both froze on the spot, expression registering equal shock and surprise. Yet Joey didnt miss the way his eyes briefly inched just past her shoulderthe guilty glimpse he gave in the general direction of his wife.

Hey, he murmured softly. I didnt know you were here.

I was just leaving, she mumbled, and brushed past him without another word.

She should have stayed gone.





Streaking her hand across the steam-fogged mirror, Joey gazed morosely at her reflection. Bessie and Alexander were already at the Icehouse by now, preparing for Bodies surprise. They had been reluctant to leave without her, especially after Bessie heard what happened that afternoon, but Joey swore she was fine and would be along just as soon as she showered and changed.

Wrapping a towel around her body, she tucked it under her arms. Then, casting a quick glance at the closed bathroom door, she bent her head over her bag on the sink counter, digging inside for the slim cardboard package.

She picked the test up at the drugstore downtown on her walk home. Head down, she walked through the small aisles, dumping a bunch of other unnecessary products into her shopping basket to cover up the evidence. She was grateful she didnt recognize the high school kid who rang up her order at the checkout counter, and grabbed her bag to hurry out before she did run into anyone she knew.

Joey understood it was probably best to wait until morning. She heard enough about these kinds of tests to know that was when one would get the most accurate result. But she couldnt wait even another second. Joey knew she wasnt pregnantthere was no possible way. She couldnt be. Still, she needed this official confirmation to completely ease her fears so she could get on with her life.

Removing the test stick from its wrapper, it occurred to Joey that they never even considered a condom. She vaguely recalled Pacey hesitating at one point, and remembered him looking to her for some kind of unspoken answerthe permission to proceed. So swept up in the moment of forbidden passion, she gave it willingly. She was more than willing.

Joey thought she was safe on the pill. And she figured Pacey was safe, maybe since he was so monogamous. She smirked darkly. Or used to be, anyway. And since when did practicing safe sex translate into choosing married men?

Taking the fact this was Pacey out of the equation, only the cold hard fact remained. She slept with a married man, a man married to her friend. And this was her punishment.

Retracting the flat plastic stick from between her legs, she placed it on the sink and swore this would never happen again. She would never even think about doing it again. And while she was at, she was going to start volunteering more, recycling on regular basis and go to church every Sunday. Okay, well, maybe not every Sunday, but at least as often as she could.

Joey closed her eyes, trying to remember even a single prayer, and then opened them. She picked up the test stick. Her heart dropped, the color draining from her face.

I take that back, she breathed through her sinking sense of dread. Every Sundayevery Sunday, I promise!

Since she obviously made some mistake in the process, Joey quickly tore open the foil from the second test stick, reading the directions more carefully this time. And she was sure to follow them to the letter, placing it down on the flat surface of the sink with expert precision.

She waited a full two minutes, 120 seconds of agonizing torture, and then she looked.

No, no, no, noit cant be.

Panicked, she dug through her bag again, finding her cell phone. Then she grabbed the box and narrowed her eyes to read the fine print, locating the telephone number for their consumer helpline.

Over 99% accurate, the box boasted with pride. Yeah, Joey muttered as she listened to dialed, feeling a little numb with the shock, on the brink of having her deepest fear realized, and my birth control pills claimed the same thing

When she finally got a representative on the line, she explained how she followed the directions as indicated, but there was obviously some problem on their end or perhaps the tests were defectiveseeing as she couldnt possibly be pregnant.

I mean, I know you claim this is an error proof test, but reallythere can always be some mistake right? I think I even read something here about a false-negative risk Slightly wild-eyed and desperate, she grabbed for the box and sheet of instructions.

Well, yes the representative agreed. There is that risk when a woman takes the test too early to detect the presence of the pregnancy hormone, but

See! Joey exclaimed.

What I was going to say is that the false-positive risk is when you might receive a result telling you that you are not pregnant when you actually are.

Oh.

But there are also rare circumstances where some women might receive a false-positive result.

She perked up. There are? Well, that has to be it then! What are these circumstances? Because Im pretty sure that would include me.

Women taking certain drugs, those which contain hCG, such as

Joey stopped bothering to listen, realizing at once she didnt fit that category. She only sat there, feeling like she was hearing the drone of the voice as if submerged underwater, and weakly attempted to calculate the dates in her head. Yet that, too, wasnt really necessary. Dawson had been away for a solid two months, and before that they werent exactly burning up the sheets. There was no need to bother.

What I would suggest, miss? the representative finally sighed, as if she also realized it was a lost cause. Is to see your doctor as soon as possible.

Yeahthanks, Joey managed to mumble before she dropped the phone.

And, with a sickening lurch of sharp clarity in her gut, she twisted around to the toilet bowl, crumpling over to vomit yet again.





Pacey skirted the dining room, pausing here or there to return a handshake or pat on the back as the guests thanked him for his hospitality or congratulated him on another great meal. He kept a smile fixed on his face at all times, even while he felt like he was dying a little on the inside, his eyes continually straying towards the door.

They got Bodie here without a hitch, pulling off a successful surprise. But it was nothing compared to the surprise Pacey got when he walked into the restaurant this afternoon to end up face-to-face with Joey.

Unsure of whether she would still make the trip, at first he was just happy to see her, so desperately happy to see her. But then he caught a glimpse of Andie inside and realized he was just plain desperate.

His heart sunk to the lowest depths of his guilt, and all he could do was let her walk away. But he still wanted the chance to talk, and felt like tonight might be his last chance.

As it turned out, he didnt have to wait much longer, spying her in the doorway of the restaurant from across the room a minute later. Even from this distance, their eyes met and locked. But Joey turned away, greeting her family members and immediately trying to hide in the crowd.

Still, he sought her out, biding his time and waiting on a chance. He finally caught up with her by the kitchen doors, in the hall near the restrooms.

Hey.

Joey ducked her head, avoiding eye contact. Hey.

Im glad you made it. His voice softened, disheartened by the fact she couldnt meet his eyes, but welcoming the opportunity to let his gaze linger. I, umI heard you might not be feeling too well from Bessie.

Im fine, she replied shortly, seemingly both defensive and dismissive all at once as she tried to edge away.

So this is it, huh? Paceys voice stopped her, the shadow of his wry smile doing nothing to cover the sadness and defeat in his tone. This is how its going to be between us from now on?

Pacey she sighed heavily, bringing a hand to her forehead. What happened was

I know, he cut in quietly, his somber gray eyes briefly shifting away and backneeding to determine who was in earshot of the conversation. I know what it was. You dont have to tell me. Tense yet tired, and paused to blow out a long sigh. But I have to tell you something, whether or not I should or whether you even want to hear it. He hesitated, his voice husky, throat feeling raw. I miss you, Jo. Okay? I just miss you.

She drew out the words through gritted teeth, as if he needed to be reminded. Youre married.

Im well aware, he replied darkly. And Ill take all the blame here, if thats what you need me to do. Im willing to accept full responsibility, but

Joey shook her head. You have no idea what youre saying

Oh, you dont think I do? He tried to keep his hushed volume in check as he touched a hand to his chest, leaning in to be heard, even though to be this close and not be able to touch her hurt so much he could barely breathe. You dont think it kills me every time I have to lie to herevery time I even look at her. I cant eat, I cant sleepand still youre all I think about.

Well, you should stop, Joey shot back bitterly and moved to leave.

Jo, wait

Pacey, justoh, hell.

As he went to reach for her arm, she shoved him off, but the rough movement caused her to spill some of her drink down the front of her sleeveless sweater, dark red blotches against cream cashmere.

He immediately grabbed a clean rag from a nearby bus bucket, tried to dab at the liquid before a stain set.

Here let me help He winced apologetically, glancing at her face. Red wine, huh?

No, its only cranberry juice, she admitted with a teary sniff.

Their eyes met just as his hand grazed the smooth, flat slope of her stomach through the soft sweater, and he felt such a surge of tender emotion carried on a strong electric current of connection that it nearly brought him to his knees.

Jo he whispered.

No, she shook her head, dark liquid eyes pleading desperately with him.

He dropped his eyes to the floor with a pained sigh. I dont mean to make this any harder on you, you know.

Joey almost seemed to laugh at this, glancing away with a wry, weepy smirk.

What is it?

Nothing. She glanced back. I justIm going back to California and I think its probably for the best that we dont She hesitated, seeming to rearrange the words in her head. We should probably maintain some distance.

The corner of his mouth quirked up sadly. Opposite sides of the country isnt enough?

You know what I mean.

Yeah, he sighed, balling the rag in his fist to toss it aside. I know.

She was watching his face now, waiting on a response. So you agree?

No, I didnt say that, he admitted, then held her gaze. But I guess I have no choice in this, huh?

Joey shook her head again, though her voice grew smaller.

Your life is with Andie. We both know that.

Pacey couldnt say anything. All he knew was how he felt right nowand how he was probably never going to feel this way about anything again in his whole life.

Joey dropped her gaze, taking a step away, and there was the briefest of pauses in her voice. I have to go.

Yeahsee ya, he mumbled, watching her walk away to disappear back into the crowd.

In that moment, even as the dull ache of pain ripped open all the old wounds inside his chest, Pacey realized in some strange way he felt even more connected to her than ever. But he knew he couldnt hold on to these feelings anymore. In the end, it would only lead to more painfor all of them.

Pacey honestly wanted to put something more of himself into his marriage, to try to make it work. He really did. Yet, watching Joey leave, he didnt know how he was ever supposed to do that.

Not when it felt like she took the most important part of him with her.





Her suitcase flung open on the bed, Joey was shoving her clothes back down inside, barely bothering to fold, when there was a knock on the door.

Come in, she muttered in weary annoyance, feeling like even that simple response exerted too much energy somehow.

Heyjust me. Bessie stepped into the room, closing the door partially behind her before she came to stand at the bed, watching her with a troubled frown. I cant believe youre really leaving this soon, she sighed. I mean, I realize youre not feeling well, but you barely lasted a full hour at Bodies party last night and we havent even had a chance to hang out. I just dont see why you cant at least

Im sorry, Joey cut in grimly. I just need to get back to LA.

You cant even stay another day or two? Bessie persisted. I thought this was supposed to be your vacation.

It was. Joey blew a strand of hair out of her eyes on a sigh as she walked away to the dresser, wishing shed just leave her alone. She was tired and sick and scared and confused and just trying her best not to have a complete breakdown. But something came up, and now I have to go.

Its that important that you have to leave todaythis morning? Her sister was scornfully skeptical.

Joey swung back to face her, her voice spiking with some emotion and irritation. Look, Bessie, I She stopped short, realizing even that simple, sudden movement had set off those churning waves in her stomach. Oh no she whimpered before clamping her hand over her mouth and running for the nearest bathroom.

After she emptied the meager contents of her stomach in a few dry heaves, Joey slumped to sit right on the floor, leaning back against the smooth, solid porcelain tub. She didnt know how long she had been sitting there, her hot, watery eyes burning with salt from her tears, when Bessie came in to close the door behind her.

Without a word, she took a washcloth and turned on the sink faucet to run it under some cold water. Then she wrung it out slightly to pass it down. Joey lifted her hand weakly, but closed her eyes on a grateful sigh when she pressed to cool compress to her forehead.

So Bessie folded her arms across her chest to lean against the sink, how far along are you?

Joeys eyes snapped open. What? How did you She stopped it there, at a loss, realizing to say anything further would only be an admission of truth.

The corner of her sisters mouth curved up in a wry, sympathetic smile. Because Ive been right where you are before, she explained softly.

Joey only swiped the cool washcloth down her face and neck, leaning back against the tub.

Have you at least seen a doctor?

No, she murmured miserably. But I took three tests. Two last night and one this morning.

Bessie took a moment to contemplate this. And what does Dawson think? she asked.

Joey only gazed in silence at the blue and white floor tiles.

An eyebrow went up. You havent told him yet?

No. She swallowed thickly, barely managing a whisper. I cant.

Joey, Bessie pursed her lips and sighed, whatever youre thinking of doing, he has a right to know. And Im not here to influence you in any way, because this is your life and your decision. But if you just talk to him you both might realize it isnt necessarily the end of the world.

Right, Joey sighed, her eyes going to the window. Just the world as we know it.

Thats not always a bad thing. Bessie offered.

A shadow fell across Joeys face on her dark smirk, realizing her sister assumed she meant life changes with childrenlike they were in the middle of some heartwarming Johnson & Johnson commercial.

In this case, she replied dully. Id have to disagree.

Some urgency entered her sisters plea. Joey, Dawson has always

It doesnt matter, Bess, she cut her off, not feeling the need to explain that Dawson really had nothing to do with it. Because I cant have this baby.

Her meaning hung there ominously between them with a quiet finality, even as cheery birdsong filled the summer breezes that lifted the bathroom curtains.

And it was true. Even of the circumstances werent so horrible, there was no way Joey was in the right time or place in life for a baby. In fact, shed made such a complete mess of her own life so far, she didnt know if there would ever be a right time and placeat least not for her. She didnt want this. She didnt plan for it. It was only an accident that should never have happened.

Whatever you decide, Im here for you, Bessie said. Just please be sure about it before you do anything that cant be undone.

Picking her self up off the bathroom floor, Joey scoffed in self-contempt as she walked away to leave.

Its a little too late for that, now isnt it?





Gazing up at the ceiling in the cramped exam room, hands folded on her chest in the worn and threadbare johnny, Joey was aware of the doctors movement out of the corner of her eye, but she didnt want to focus too much on what was happening.

Bessie had finally convinced her not to leave, insisting that she knew of a good and trusted doctor at the womens health clinic in Hyannis who would be willing to see her without waiting for an appointment. With her sister as her only confidante and source of support, Joey decided that would be her best course of action. Perhaps she could even take care of this now, rest a few days at the B&B and go back to California.

No one would ever have to know.

Dr. Walcott determined that she was almost eleven weeks along. Narrowing it down to that window of opportunity, there was no room for mistake or error. Dawson was awayin a completely different country, for that matterduring that entire stretch of time, before and after.

If there was even the hint of a question left before, it was gone now. This was without a doubt Paceys baby.

You can sit up now, Dr. Walcott instructed her.

She was still busy writing something in her chart, and as Joey waited for her to speak she realized there were probably other women here, in other exam rooms, rejoicing over the happy news, seeing their babies on ultrasound or hearing the heartbeat for the first time.

She remembered once hearing it described like the rush and recede of the ocean tideonly ten times faster, and about a million times more incredible.

Dr. Walcott turned to her finally, tucking her ballpoint pen into the breast pocket of her white coat before she ran her hand through her thick tangle of black curls.

Now, I understand you wanted to discuss possible options for termination? Because thats something were not going to want to wait too long on, you understand. Youre already approaching your second trimester and

The rest of what she said was lost on Joey, who really didnt want to know the details. She couldnt analyze all the moral or ethical dilemmas or search her belief system for answers. There were no answers, at least not for her, so she could only focus on this as a simple medical outpatient procedure and nothing else. She had to, in order to survive.

Youll need to read and sign these consent forms.

Joey took the pages clumsily into her lap but dropped the pen she was handed. She apologized as Dr. Walcott had to crouch down to retrieve it off the floor, placing her chart down next to Joey on the exam table as she did so

Joey couldnt resist sneaking a quick peek, imaging there might be some moral judgment passed on her within the clinical diagnosis, but her eyes were immediately drawn towards the date scribbled in the upper right hand corner of the page. She felt a tiny, unexpected flutter inside her heart.

The doctor stood to give her the pen, and Joey had to ask.

The date there? The one you wrote at the top of the page under the letters EDD? What is that exactly?

The estimated date of delivery, Dr. Walcott explained. Most babies are born between thirty-eight and forty-two weeks from the first day of the mothers last menstrual period. The estimated date we record falls on the fortieth week, right in the center of that window.

Joeys eyes welled slightly. You mean that would be my due date?

Well, only a small percentage of women actually deliver on that exact date, she pointed out

But some do? She had to know. Is that right?

Sure. Some. The doctor regarded her with a faint frown. Are you okay?

Yeah. Joey lifted her shoulder, releasing a shaky sigh. Its just that dayits the same as

My mothers birthday, she wanted to say.

The same as what? Dr. Walcott asked, tilting her head with a faintly quizzical expression.

Joey only smiled sadly and shook her head, rearranging the forms on her lap.

It doesnt matter.





Wandering the aisles of the local CVS, Joey only gazed blankly at all the rows of conditioners, shampoos, mascaras and creams, feeling a little tired and subdued. She experienced a couple of cramps after leaving the doctors office, but she mentioned that might be normal, and now they had subsided.

She found the refrigerated case near the front of the store and surveyed the contents before she grabbed a bottled water. Glancing at her wristwatch to check the time, she blew out a sigh, turning to head back in the opposite directionbut almost walked directly into Andie.

Her face fell, caught speechless.

Joey Andies eyes widened and she seemed almost equally as flustered as she let out a small laugh. What are you doing all the way over here in Hyannis?

Oh, I, umah Struggling to come up with an alibi, she fished out some lame excuse. Just running errands for the B&B. And, umyou?

I was just on my way to work.

Joey nodded her head, knowing that she worked as a physician at some clinic affiliated with the hospital in Falmouth.

So how are you feeling? Andies forehead knitted in concern

Joey smiled weakly. Better, thanks. She tucked her hair behind her ear. And I talked to someone at work, and it turns out a stomach bug is going around my office, so

What difference, she wondered, would one more little lie make now in the grand scheme of things?

Ahmystery solved, Andie nodded. Well, Im just glad youre feeling better. I know Doug and Jack were talking about maybe doing a dinner thing this weekendwill you still be in town?

No. She shook her head. Im actually booked on a flight back to LA tomorrow.

Andie pursed her lips into the imitation of a sad smile. Wow, so I guess this is it?

Yeah, Joey shrugged. Guess so.

She was mildly horrified when Andie then held her arms out. Joey wasnt sure how she was able to stand here and look her in the eye, so an affectionate gesture seemed to be going too far. But she had no choice, stepping into an awkward and brief embrace.

Bye, Joey! Have a safe trip.

Bye, she murmured, wondering if that meant the one she was taking straight to hell.

She stood there a moment, watching Andie walk out, and then turned away

When she returned to the pharmacy area at the back of store, they were just calling her name at the pickup counter. As she slid her credit card over, her eyes widened briefly at the unexpected size of the bag.

Youll see there that the dosage instructions indicate they should be taken on an empty stomach, the woman ringing up her prescription explained. But if you find that youre experiencing any stomach upset or nausea? It is okay to try taking them with a couple of crackers or a glass of milk.

Okay. Joey nodded her head in understanding, removing the bottle from the bag to check the label.

The woman then lowered her voice to a confidential whisper. And congratulations, by the way.

Joey glanced up from the three months supply of prenatal vitamins in her hand.

Thanks, she smiled slowly, and turned to go.