My second fic, my first one-parter, and probably the easiest thing I've ever written; this one I blamed on the Pretenders, for their song by the same
name, or the radio deejay for playing it late at night when I coudn't sleep.
When I posted it at PoTL, some people left comments that really meant a lot me then, and still do. So if anyone reading here was one of those who left their mark on that thread, thank you so much. I really owe ya.
The room was warm, the heat from the fire enveloping the gentle ebb and flow of people who were mingling, laughing and talking, a glass in one hand, a gesture to punctuate whatever they were saying in the other. Gale Leery was brushing off another compliment on the festivities with a chuckle and slight wave of her hand, her mind probably flicking to something in the oven, was it done yet, was it burnt to cinders, was it her turn to check or her husband's. Mitch was standing with a couple over near the window, chuckling at something the man had said, the woman swatting her spouse playfully as she took another sip of her champagne; he tugged at the collar of his shirt, thinking if the room got any warmer it would be like a damn oven.
A piece of gold tinsel was falling loose from the tack on the wall above the side table and it swung into the face of a young woman, a friend of Dawson's from college and she sputtered, swiping it away in surprise and then laughed before continuing the conversation she was having with another guest. The tinsel landed, skidding slightly on the polished floorboards until coming to rest at the toe of a black high-heeled boot and Jen was bending down to pick it up with a smile, the guy she was talking to taking the opportunity to throw a quick but appreciative glance at her ass.
As she straightened, she flicked it playfully in his direction, a drop of wine from her glass slipping over the rim as it sloshed dangerously. He flinched from it with a laugh and said something that made her join him. Then she was draping it around her neck, the blond waves that had escaped from her rose clip getting caught in the gold strands, and as she tossed one end over her shoulder like it were a scarf, her head turned slightly and her eyes caught Joey's and she paused.
She smiled, the corners of her mouth curving up gently, her eyes whispering a silent "Hey". Then she lifted her fingers to her lips and when she blew a little kiss to her, out through the doorway to where the dark-haired girl was sitting in the seat by the stairs, it seemed as if she were blowing the heady dust of holidays from her fingertips, the scent of the fir tree in the corner of the living room and the pungent taste of eggnog floating into the hall. And Joey smiled back at her.
The makeshift scarf caught the light as Jen turned back to answer something the man had said, and it glittered brightly, drops of golden light showering over the scene.
It was so familiar, the people, her friends, family, neighbors and strangers, their conversations and movements drifting under Joey's far away gaze, lulling her with the hazy feel of a dream.
She held her breath for a moment, struck by the irrational fear that it would all slip away on her soft exhale, but it didn't, the sound of Bing Crosby singing from the stereo not missing a beat over the clink of plates and loud murmur of voices.
Bing was dreaming of a white Christmas, and it was. The ground outside was blanketed in a layer of snow that had fallen that morning and Joey thought of how she had been coaxed out of bed by Bessie to join her and Alex in the yard where they made a man with one pebble eye and a coffee cup helmet.
She saw Alex now, her nephew all grown up at the age of seven, whispering in the ear of Dawson's baby sister by the sofa, and then they were running through the door, racing past her and up the stairs in a flurry of dark curls, blond pigtails, giggles and impatience at Lily's stumbles.
Joey turned, her eyes following them until they disappeared onto the landing and felt the faint traces of her smile tug at her lips.
As she shifted her gaze back to the party, another flash of gold snatched into view and she lifted her head to see the mistletoe tied above the doorway with a gold ribbon. So familiar.
It had been her second year at Worthington, a year she had thought shed it all figured out. She was sharing a place off campus with Audrey and a roommate they never saw, working a double shift on weekends at a store she hated; she had felt like she had it all going okay and had been reluctant to return to Capeside even for the short Christmas break. But Bessie had insisted and Dawson had been driving, so she had thrown her duffel in the backseat of his Jeep and hitched a ride with him back to their small town.
Jack and Jen had shown up for the party four days later, lingering a little wistfully outside the neighboring house they had called home before turning and heading up the steps of the Leery porch to meet their friends.
And they had brought Pacey with them.
He had left Boston at the end of the first summer.
She had returned to school to find Audrey single again and him gone and a reason hadn't been given for either, it just was. A postcard addressed to all of them had arrived at Grams' house a month later and it was from Texas. All it had said was that he was working in a restaurant there and that it was warmer than Boston. And that he missed them. But he hadn't come back.
Until then.
A gust of cold air blew in as the front door opened and Joey shivered, glancing over to see who had come in.
Jack was blowing on his cupped hands as he nudged the door closed behind him with an elbow and when he looked up, he caught her eye and smiled a little sheepishly.
"Sorry about that," he nodded toward the door, acknowledging her shiver, "I left Lily's present in the car."
The small gift was tucked under his arm and he rubbed his hands together again, the warmth returning and Joey remembered he had been doing the same thing on that afternoon she had opened the door to find them there.
He had been shifting his weight, rubbing his hands as Jen stamped the snow from her shoes onto the mat on the porch and behind them, had been Pacey. And when his blue eyes had met hers, she had realized that it was her second year at Worthington, she had a job, a place with Audrey, and absolutely nothing figured out.
She gave Jack a small lopsided smile now as he moved toward her, then a man with short blond curls and green eyes leaned out into the hall and called to him.
"Hey, did you find it?"
Jack lifted the present, waving it at his boyfriend who grinned, and- flashing Joey another apologetic smile- he allowed himself to be pulled back into the party. She watched him go, disappearing into the happy crowd that she had excused herself from only a few minutes ago, resting her glass of champagne on the hallstand as she had sat down in the chair where he had found her that Christmas three years ago.
The glasses then had been plastic cups, Dawson being unable to find any others that hadn't already been claimed. He had taken their coats and she had offered to get the three of them drinks. She had returned a few moments later, balancing the red plastic cups in her hands, and when she had handed him his, their hands had brushed and she had pretended not to notice the way his touch had felt like fire, the way her heart had frozen like ice.
The couple that Mitch had been talking to by the window stumbled into the hall, the woman's laughter high to the man's deep chuckle that echoed back to Joey as they moved toward the kitchen. They had told Gale they would check on the vol au vents in the oven.
She shifted in her seat, tugging at her long wine colored skirt and the gold ribbon caught her eye again.
Pacey had found her out here, swiping at the stain of wine on the black dress she had been wearing that night. He had leaned in the doorway, his gaze trailing over her with such warmth that she had blushed before she had even looked up and seen him. His smile had been the same one she had been seeing in the dark hours of the morning when dreams would snatch at her heart in her restless sleep, and she had been able to do nothing but smile back.
Taking his outstretched hand, she had risen from the chair and joined him in the doorway, the empty hall on one side, the living room crowded with dancing, laughing people on the other.
"Look up, Potter"
"Mistletoe"
She had smiled wryly, uncertainly and he had bent his lips to brush hers softly. The sensation had left her breathless, a flood of thoughts, desires, questions, memories washing it away. And her eyes which had fluttered closed at his touch opened to stare into his when he pulled away.
"What are you doing back here?"
"I came two thousand miles to see if Mr Leery was still playing the same Christmas CDs."
Pacey had held her gaze with a slight grin, the blue of his eyes intoxicating, as he reached up and pulled the sprig of mistletoe down, letting it drop to the floor. Then his lips had met hers again and this time he had kissed her properly, his hands cupping her face tenderly, his hot mouth begging entrance to hers and she had parted her lips with a sigh of pleasure, and let him in.
And for that moment, the living room on the other side of them had seemed empty too.
The couple was back, discussing whether or not charcoal could be considered edible and how to break the news to Gale; the husband nodded to Joey as they passed her, returning to the living room. Another woman came out calling goodbye to the guests as she shrugged into her coat. Joey recognized her as one of the waitresses from the Leery's restaurant and when the woman waved to her before heading out the door, she lifted her hand faintly in a return gesture.
Pacey had left that night.
He had gone back to Texas, back to his job; she had gone back to Boston, back to school, and for a year, all she had gotten was a postcard, addressed to just her. And all it had said was that he missed her. But he hadn't come back.
Then Christmas had arrived again and with it another Leery party, and Jen had gone to answer the knock at the door.
He had been standing there on the porch, the invitation Dawson had sent crumpled in the pocket of his brown coat.
Joey pulled lightly at a thread on her sweater, wondering idly if she tugged too hard would the whole thing unravel in her fingers. She looked up to see the man she had been talking to earlier craning his neck to see her over the crowd and she ducked her eyes, hoping to avoid his gaze. He was another one of Dawson's college friends, a stocky brown haired guy with a propensity for name-dropping; when she cautiously looked up again, she saw Jen had manoeuvred him over to the food table and reminded herself to thank her later.
She had been talking to a man, a guy in a pink shirt with a grey tie, when Jen had opened the door that Christmas.
He was standing a couple of feet away, speaking animatedly about something as she had sat there in the chair and her eyes had drifted, following Jen's movement toward the door. When it had opened, she had stood, drawn out of her seat by the blue eyes that gazed over Jen's blond curls, burning into hers with such intensity she wasn't sure she could feel the floor beneath her feet.
She had brushed past the man in the pink shirt without a word and taken Pacey's hand and let him lead her upstairs.
A shout of laughter followed by a thump and giggles floated down from the floor above.
Joey raised her eyes to the ceiling, a smile playing on her lips as she thought of Alex and Lily playing up there, probably causing havoc in Dawson's old room.
Returning her attention to her sweater, she pulled the ends of the sleeves down over her hands, hooking her thumb into the material to keep them there. A moment later, she let the right one spring back to her wrist as she reached for her glass of champagne. Another thud came from overhead and taking a sip of the bubbly liquid, she wondered if anyone had heard her and Pacey that Christmas two years ago.
There had been coats all over the bed in the guest room and she had slipped his brown one from his shoulders and added it to the pile.
His mouth melted under her searing kiss and he had buried his hands in the long waves of her dark hair, moaning softly as he drank her in. The taste of him, the utterly erotic feel of his tongue sliding over hers, had blinded her, sent a thrill of desire crashing through her body that scorched her nerves, burned away memory and left her wanting only more.
He had pulled her down with him to the rug, cradling her in his strong arms, and smiled up at her.
"It's going to be a long night, Potter."
"It was a long year, Pace."
He had closed his eyes tightly at her words, the passion with which he kissed her then voicing his fierce agreement, and she had pulled him on top of her, her breath ragged with desire. His eyes had snapped open at the feel of her beneath him, and she had let herself drown in their blue depths, so stormy with desire. With warm fingers, she had tugged his sweater over his head and tossed it behind where she lay and in the fading late afternoon light that seeped through the window, she had hesitated only a moment to memorize him there, the tan muscles of his arm taut as he held himself slightly away from her, tracing a rough finger gently over her parted lips. Then she had slid her own top up, over her head and pushed it aside.
"You came back for the party?"
"Yeah. I came two thousand miles to taste Mrs Leery's eggnog."
She had grinned up at him, feeling delirious at the way his gaze was soaking her in, then she had tilted her head back, allowing him access as he bent to trail his warm lips over her neck in a series of heated kisses. As he had slipped her black pants from her body, his hands dancing over her fiery skin, the feel of him was the same that had scarred her memory back in high school, yet the exquisite pain felt so fresh. And they had made love there, while downstairs the party had continued without them.
It was growing dark now, the soft light that spilled through the house seeming brighter in contrast and Joey closed her eyes briefly.
The glass in her hand shook slightly and she opened them again to set it back on the hallstand as Gale pushed past a woman in a lavender sweater, into the hall. She was headed to the kitchen, muttering something under her breath about her husband and turns, but when she saw Joey she stopped.
"Oh, hi honey, are you doing okay?"
Her smile was warm but distracted and when Joey gave her a reassuring nod, the corner of her mouth turning up slightly, she continued on with a wave.
He had gone again, at the end of that night.
They had come downstairs eventually, when guests were beginning to say their thank yous for a lovely evening and their goodbyes, and he had thanked her for a lovely evening and she had said goodbye. Then he had gone, back to Texas, and she had gone to school, back to Boston, and pretended not notice the cracks that were forming in her heart all over again.
There had been no postcard this time, no picture of the Lone Star State with his familiar scrawl on the back, and she had begun dating a nice guy from one of her classes, she had pretended not to notice that he had brown eyes instead of blue. And when he had invited her to join him at his parent's house in Boston for a Christmas party that fell on the same night as the Leery's, she had said yes.
Joey saw Mrs Pike, the woman who had moved into Grams's house, sitting on the sofa turned toward the man seated beside her, talking with her usual wild gestures. On her other side was Audrey, imitating the lady's movements with much exaggeration behind her back, for the benefit of her boyfriend. He was watching her pull faces over Mrs Pike's shoulder, a frown of concentration fixed on his face to cover for the grin that threatened to break and Joey felt herself smile a little at her friend's theatrics, glad Audrey had come this year.
She couldn't hear what her friend was saying now, as Mrs Pike turned to her, but she could hear her voice from the day of the party last year, when she had asked Audrey if she looked okay in the light blue dress.
"Do you really want to know what I think?"
She had stopped in the doorway then, confused at her friend's tone, distracted by the honk of the car that was waiting for her outside.
"Yeah."
And then Audrey had hadn't been referring to the dress anymore.
"He left because he was still in love with you. We broke up because I wasn't you, and he went so far away that he might forget you, and you might forget him."
She had smiled up at the brunette from her seat on the sofa, no bitterness souring her words, just honesty.
"And what I think is that it didn't work."
Audrey had ceased her movements now as she spoke to Mrs Pike, but as the woman turned back to her boyfriend, she caught Joey looking at them from out in the hall, and gave her a wink with a grin. She motioned with her hand for Joey to join them, but Joey shook her head slightly with a half-smile and remained seated.
She had gone to the party in Boston last year.
She had run out to the car, climbed inside and kissed the cheek of the man who had brown eyes instead of blue and pretended Audrey's words had dissolved into nothing with that gesture. But an hour later, she had been on a train headed for the Cape, her hasty apology to her hosts echoing through her mind, her tongue still tinged with her parting words to their son.
"There's somewhere else I have to be."
This time it had been her on the porch when Jen had opened the door.
She had slipped out of her jacket as she had stepped into the hall and this time it had been her eyes that had caught his gaze. Pacey had been sitting in the seat by the staircase, the same seat he had found her in each Christmas before, and when she had given him her hand to pull him to his feet, a tear had slipped down his cheek and his simple words were cut from his heart.
"I come back, I come two thousand miles every year, just to see you."
She had kissed him then, the touch of her lips saying everything she couldn't and when she drew apart, she had smiled.
And this time, he had stayed.
Now it was Christmastime again, and it seemed like so much more than a year had passed since that night. She had graduated from university, she had an apartment in Boston, a job she liked and a man she loved more than any other thing in this world.
And absolutely nothing figured out.
There was a crash from the kitchen and Joey jumped slightly, then Gale reappeared, moving back toward the living room, her hostess charm clouded by irritation. As she passed Joey, she gave her a rueful smile and Joey chuckled softly, the sound seeming far off, disconnected somehow.
She shifted in the chair, nudging one of the wooden legs with her foot.
Pacey had wanted to take the chair for their apartment and she had laughed and told him she didn't think the Leery's would be too impressed with that idea. He had pulled her close, so close, and whispered in her ear that maybe, just maybe, they would give it to them as a wedding present. And when he had gone back to Texas at the end of June to collect the last of his things and sell his apartment, she had still been able to feel his breath on her skin.
A clatter of feet on the stairs behind her jolted her again and she looked up to see Alex and Lily coming down. The little girl tripped slightly and grabbed a hold of the older boy who in turn lunged for the banister to steady them both. He saw Joey's upturned face and grinned.
"Hey Aunt Joey"
She smiled at him, turning to face them better where they had stopped on the stairs. Lily's round face peered at her through the rails with flushed cheeks and a smear of chocolate on her chin.
"Where's Uncle Pacey?" she asked with wide, questioning eyes, the same hazel as her brother's.
Pacey had gone in June and she had waited for him to return, the promise of his words hanging in the warm summer air. And when she had taken the call one day in July, she had known she would be waiting forever.
"Oh, sweetie," Joey told her gently, "He's not coming."
She felt her breath torn from her chest with her words and the stab of tears at her eyes left her dizzy as Alex hushed the little girl, pulling her on down the stairs with him. But before they snuck back into the party in the living room, Lily paused to regard Joey with troubled eyes and a firm lilt to her voice.
"Of course he'll come," she nodded reassuringly, the bow that had come loose in her hair swaying, "He always comes at Christmas."
Joey watched them go, her body suddenly feeling like it might crumble. She willed herself to stand, fighting the overwhelming need to cry that rocked her senses to the core. She forced herself to move, over to the front door, out onto the porch, not hearing the slam of the door behind her.
Outside, she was able to breathe again, gasping in the cold air that seemed to numb the searing pain inside of her.
She leaned against the porch frame, her gaze washing over the sky that had deepened to a rich purple with faint glints of diamond stars. Tugging the ends of her sleeves over her hands again, she sat down on the steps that led down to the snow covered yard, her knees bent up to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs, clasping her hands together over the long skirt, and laid her head on her knees and finally let the tears slip from her closed eyes.
It had been almost six months since the day a call from a man she had never met, in a place she had never been, had changed her world.
He had said it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do and she had believed him. She wanted to tell him now, wanted to tell the stranger that getting up every morning since that day, since what he had told her in that clinical manner where even "I'm sorry" was sanitized of emotion had stolen her dreams, that was the hardest thing she had ever had to do.
It had been six months to the day that she had felt his lips on hers, seen his smile in the early morning light, his voice whispering "See ya soon, Potter." And every night she had wished for his kiss again.
She didn't hear the crunch of the snow under his feet. She didn't see the white clouds of his breath in the cold night air, nor the way his mouth curved into a smile before he spoke.
"So, how come you're not waiting in the hall, or did you decide to steal the chair anyway?"
Joey's eyes flew open at the sound of his voice and she lifted her head, her heart pounding so hard as she met his gaze.
He was standing at the bottom of the steps in front of her, his hands in the pockets of the brown coat she had always loved, his blue eyes dancing with faint amusement at her shocked expression.
"Pacey?"
Her voice was barely more than a breath, floating out in a wisp of disbelief. Everything within her wanted to leap up from where she sat and throw herself into his arms, to bury her face into the warm skin of his neck and inhale the scent, the touch, and taste of him again.
But she couldn't move, frozen to the step; all she could do was stare.
His expression softened, the sparkle in his eyes fading to a wistful light, darkened by knowledge.
"Yeah"
Joey noticed the shift and her heart twisted, wringing tears from her soul that she blinked back for fear he would disappear with them, dissolve into the night as they would on her cheeks.
Her gaze traveled over him, covering every inch of his face, his body, with its desperate thirst, but still, she could not move.
"You're back?" she whispered and a half-smile of wonder slipped over her lips, crimson in the cold.
And he gazed at her, his blue eyes full of love, took a step towards her, and smiled, that slow, easy smile.
"I came two thousand miles, just to see you one more time."
Then he leaned in and kissed her and all she could taste was the salt of her tears.
But he was still there when she opened her eyes again and she drew a shaky breath as he pulled back, knowing what was coming.
Pacey glanced away for a moment. When he looked at her once more, his voice was gentle but his words crashed through her heart.
"I've gotta go now." He nodded slightly in the direction of the road and Joey cut her eyes there before lifting them to meet his again.
"Yeah," she agreed softly, and the pain from the jagged pieces of her heart was gone as she breathed the word, only the warmth of his love remaining.
He gave her a wry smile. "Merry Christmas, Potter."
And she smiled back.
Then he was moving away, his steps long and easy through the snow, and as he rounded the corner of the house, disappearing from her view, she noticed he had left no footprints.
The door behind her slammed, startling her.
Joey turned to find Lily standing there, wrapped in a huge coat that belonged to Mitch.
"Mommy told me to see if you were okay."
Joey smiled at the little girl who was dragging the bottom of the coat along the porch as she moved over to sit beside her on the step.
"I'm okay," she told her, taking the small hand in her own.
Lily tilted her face up to Joey's, her eyes curious.
"Who were you talking to?"
The faint trace of her smile was still on her lips as she turned away from the girl and looked up at the sky.
"I was just wishing on a star."
Lily shifted her hand, grasping tighter, and lifted her face to see the stars too. It had begun to snow now, light wisps of snow that floated down so slowly, so gracefully, like tiny white ballerinas twirling and dipping effortlessly. Lily stuck out her tongue to catch one and she laughed at the cold sensation.
Joey copied her, opening her mouth, her eyes closed. She caught one on the tip of her tongue, and it tasted like his kiss.
When I posted it at PoTL, some people left comments that really meant a lot me then, and still do. So if anyone reading here was one of those who left their mark on that thread, thank you so much. I really owe ya.
The room was warm, the heat from the fire enveloping the gentle ebb and flow of people who were mingling, laughing and talking, a glass in one hand, a gesture to punctuate whatever they were saying in the other. Gale Leery was brushing off another compliment on the festivities with a chuckle and slight wave of her hand, her mind probably flicking to something in the oven, was it done yet, was it burnt to cinders, was it her turn to check or her husband's. Mitch was standing with a couple over near the window, chuckling at something the man had said, the woman swatting her spouse playfully as she took another sip of her champagne; he tugged at the collar of his shirt, thinking if the room got any warmer it would be like a damn oven.
A piece of gold tinsel was falling loose from the tack on the wall above the side table and it swung into the face of a young woman, a friend of Dawson's from college and she sputtered, swiping it away in surprise and then laughed before continuing the conversation she was having with another guest. The tinsel landed, skidding slightly on the polished floorboards until coming to rest at the toe of a black high-heeled boot and Jen was bending down to pick it up with a smile, the guy she was talking to taking the opportunity to throw a quick but appreciative glance at her ass.
As she straightened, she flicked it playfully in his direction, a drop of wine from her glass slipping over the rim as it sloshed dangerously. He flinched from it with a laugh and said something that made her join him. Then she was draping it around her neck, the blond waves that had escaped from her rose clip getting caught in the gold strands, and as she tossed one end over her shoulder like it were a scarf, her head turned slightly and her eyes caught Joey's and she paused.
She smiled, the corners of her mouth curving up gently, her eyes whispering a silent "Hey". Then she lifted her fingers to her lips and when she blew a little kiss to her, out through the doorway to where the dark-haired girl was sitting in the seat by the stairs, it seemed as if she were blowing the heady dust of holidays from her fingertips, the scent of the fir tree in the corner of the living room and the pungent taste of eggnog floating into the hall. And Joey smiled back at her.
The makeshift scarf caught the light as Jen turned back to answer something the man had said, and it glittered brightly, drops of golden light showering over the scene.
It was so familiar, the people, her friends, family, neighbors and strangers, their conversations and movements drifting under Joey's far away gaze, lulling her with the hazy feel of a dream.
She held her breath for a moment, struck by the irrational fear that it would all slip away on her soft exhale, but it didn't, the sound of Bing Crosby singing from the stereo not missing a beat over the clink of plates and loud murmur of voices.
Bing was dreaming of a white Christmas, and it was. The ground outside was blanketed in a layer of snow that had fallen that morning and Joey thought of how she had been coaxed out of bed by Bessie to join her and Alex in the yard where they made a man with one pebble eye and a coffee cup helmet.
She saw Alex now, her nephew all grown up at the age of seven, whispering in the ear of Dawson's baby sister by the sofa, and then they were running through the door, racing past her and up the stairs in a flurry of dark curls, blond pigtails, giggles and impatience at Lily's stumbles.
Joey turned, her eyes following them until they disappeared onto the landing and felt the faint traces of her smile tug at her lips.
As she shifted her gaze back to the party, another flash of gold snatched into view and she lifted her head to see the mistletoe tied above the doorway with a gold ribbon. So familiar.
It had been her second year at Worthington, a year she had thought shed it all figured out. She was sharing a place off campus with Audrey and a roommate they never saw, working a double shift on weekends at a store she hated; she had felt like she had it all going okay and had been reluctant to return to Capeside even for the short Christmas break. But Bessie had insisted and Dawson had been driving, so she had thrown her duffel in the backseat of his Jeep and hitched a ride with him back to their small town.
Jack and Jen had shown up for the party four days later, lingering a little wistfully outside the neighboring house they had called home before turning and heading up the steps of the Leery porch to meet their friends.
And they had brought Pacey with them.
He had left Boston at the end of the first summer.
She had returned to school to find Audrey single again and him gone and a reason hadn't been given for either, it just was. A postcard addressed to all of them had arrived at Grams' house a month later and it was from Texas. All it had said was that he was working in a restaurant there and that it was warmer than Boston. And that he missed them. But he hadn't come back.
Until then.
A gust of cold air blew in as the front door opened and Joey shivered, glancing over to see who had come in.
Jack was blowing on his cupped hands as he nudged the door closed behind him with an elbow and when he looked up, he caught her eye and smiled a little sheepishly.
"Sorry about that," he nodded toward the door, acknowledging her shiver, "I left Lily's present in the car."
The small gift was tucked under his arm and he rubbed his hands together again, the warmth returning and Joey remembered he had been doing the same thing on that afternoon she had opened the door to find them there.
He had been shifting his weight, rubbing his hands as Jen stamped the snow from her shoes onto the mat on the porch and behind them, had been Pacey. And when his blue eyes had met hers, she had realized that it was her second year at Worthington, she had a job, a place with Audrey, and absolutely nothing figured out.
She gave Jack a small lopsided smile now as he moved toward her, then a man with short blond curls and green eyes leaned out into the hall and called to him.
"Hey, did you find it?"
Jack lifted the present, waving it at his boyfriend who grinned, and- flashing Joey another apologetic smile- he allowed himself to be pulled back into the party. She watched him go, disappearing into the happy crowd that she had excused herself from only a few minutes ago, resting her glass of champagne on the hallstand as she had sat down in the chair where he had found her that Christmas three years ago.
The glasses then had been plastic cups, Dawson being unable to find any others that hadn't already been claimed. He had taken their coats and she had offered to get the three of them drinks. She had returned a few moments later, balancing the red plastic cups in her hands, and when she had handed him his, their hands had brushed and she had pretended not to notice the way his touch had felt like fire, the way her heart had frozen like ice.
The couple that Mitch had been talking to by the window stumbled into the hall, the woman's laughter high to the man's deep chuckle that echoed back to Joey as they moved toward the kitchen. They had told Gale they would check on the vol au vents in the oven.
She shifted in her seat, tugging at her long wine colored skirt and the gold ribbon caught her eye again.
Pacey had found her out here, swiping at the stain of wine on the black dress she had been wearing that night. He had leaned in the doorway, his gaze trailing over her with such warmth that she had blushed before she had even looked up and seen him. His smile had been the same one she had been seeing in the dark hours of the morning when dreams would snatch at her heart in her restless sleep, and she had been able to do nothing but smile back.
Taking his outstretched hand, she had risen from the chair and joined him in the doorway, the empty hall on one side, the living room crowded with dancing, laughing people on the other.
"Look up, Potter"
"Mistletoe"
She had smiled wryly, uncertainly and he had bent his lips to brush hers softly. The sensation had left her breathless, a flood of thoughts, desires, questions, memories washing it away. And her eyes which had fluttered closed at his touch opened to stare into his when he pulled away.
"What are you doing back here?"
"I came two thousand miles to see if Mr Leery was still playing the same Christmas CDs."
Pacey had held her gaze with a slight grin, the blue of his eyes intoxicating, as he reached up and pulled the sprig of mistletoe down, letting it drop to the floor. Then his lips had met hers again and this time he had kissed her properly, his hands cupping her face tenderly, his hot mouth begging entrance to hers and she had parted her lips with a sigh of pleasure, and let him in.
And for that moment, the living room on the other side of them had seemed empty too.
The couple was back, discussing whether or not charcoal could be considered edible and how to break the news to Gale; the husband nodded to Joey as they passed her, returning to the living room. Another woman came out calling goodbye to the guests as she shrugged into her coat. Joey recognized her as one of the waitresses from the Leery's restaurant and when the woman waved to her before heading out the door, she lifted her hand faintly in a return gesture.
Pacey had left that night.
He had gone back to Texas, back to his job; she had gone back to Boston, back to school, and for a year, all she had gotten was a postcard, addressed to just her. And all it had said was that he missed her. But he hadn't come back.
Then Christmas had arrived again and with it another Leery party, and Jen had gone to answer the knock at the door.
He had been standing there on the porch, the invitation Dawson had sent crumpled in the pocket of his brown coat.
Joey pulled lightly at a thread on her sweater, wondering idly if she tugged too hard would the whole thing unravel in her fingers. She looked up to see the man she had been talking to earlier craning his neck to see her over the crowd and she ducked her eyes, hoping to avoid his gaze. He was another one of Dawson's college friends, a stocky brown haired guy with a propensity for name-dropping; when she cautiously looked up again, she saw Jen had manoeuvred him over to the food table and reminded herself to thank her later.
She had been talking to a man, a guy in a pink shirt with a grey tie, when Jen had opened the door that Christmas.
He was standing a couple of feet away, speaking animatedly about something as she had sat there in the chair and her eyes had drifted, following Jen's movement toward the door. When it had opened, she had stood, drawn out of her seat by the blue eyes that gazed over Jen's blond curls, burning into hers with such intensity she wasn't sure she could feel the floor beneath her feet.
She had brushed past the man in the pink shirt without a word and taken Pacey's hand and let him lead her upstairs.
A shout of laughter followed by a thump and giggles floated down from the floor above.
Joey raised her eyes to the ceiling, a smile playing on her lips as she thought of Alex and Lily playing up there, probably causing havoc in Dawson's old room.
Returning her attention to her sweater, she pulled the ends of the sleeves down over her hands, hooking her thumb into the material to keep them there. A moment later, she let the right one spring back to her wrist as she reached for her glass of champagne. Another thud came from overhead and taking a sip of the bubbly liquid, she wondered if anyone had heard her and Pacey that Christmas two years ago.
There had been coats all over the bed in the guest room and she had slipped his brown one from his shoulders and added it to the pile.
His mouth melted under her searing kiss and he had buried his hands in the long waves of her dark hair, moaning softly as he drank her in. The taste of him, the utterly erotic feel of his tongue sliding over hers, had blinded her, sent a thrill of desire crashing through her body that scorched her nerves, burned away memory and left her wanting only more.
He had pulled her down with him to the rug, cradling her in his strong arms, and smiled up at her.
"It's going to be a long night, Potter."
"It was a long year, Pace."
He had closed his eyes tightly at her words, the passion with which he kissed her then voicing his fierce agreement, and she had pulled him on top of her, her breath ragged with desire. His eyes had snapped open at the feel of her beneath him, and she had let herself drown in their blue depths, so stormy with desire. With warm fingers, she had tugged his sweater over his head and tossed it behind where she lay and in the fading late afternoon light that seeped through the window, she had hesitated only a moment to memorize him there, the tan muscles of his arm taut as he held himself slightly away from her, tracing a rough finger gently over her parted lips. Then she had slid her own top up, over her head and pushed it aside.
"You came back for the party?"
"Yeah. I came two thousand miles to taste Mrs Leery's eggnog."
She had grinned up at him, feeling delirious at the way his gaze was soaking her in, then she had tilted her head back, allowing him access as he bent to trail his warm lips over her neck in a series of heated kisses. As he had slipped her black pants from her body, his hands dancing over her fiery skin, the feel of him was the same that had scarred her memory back in high school, yet the exquisite pain felt so fresh. And they had made love there, while downstairs the party had continued without them.
It was growing dark now, the soft light that spilled through the house seeming brighter in contrast and Joey closed her eyes briefly.
The glass in her hand shook slightly and she opened them again to set it back on the hallstand as Gale pushed past a woman in a lavender sweater, into the hall. She was headed to the kitchen, muttering something under her breath about her husband and turns, but when she saw Joey she stopped.
"Oh, hi honey, are you doing okay?"
Her smile was warm but distracted and when Joey gave her a reassuring nod, the corner of her mouth turning up slightly, she continued on with a wave.
He had gone again, at the end of that night.
They had come downstairs eventually, when guests were beginning to say their thank yous for a lovely evening and their goodbyes, and he had thanked her for a lovely evening and she had said goodbye. Then he had gone, back to Texas, and she had gone to school, back to Boston, and pretended not notice the cracks that were forming in her heart all over again.
There had been no postcard this time, no picture of the Lone Star State with his familiar scrawl on the back, and she had begun dating a nice guy from one of her classes, she had pretended not to notice that he had brown eyes instead of blue. And when he had invited her to join him at his parent's house in Boston for a Christmas party that fell on the same night as the Leery's, she had said yes.
Joey saw Mrs Pike, the woman who had moved into Grams's house, sitting on the sofa turned toward the man seated beside her, talking with her usual wild gestures. On her other side was Audrey, imitating the lady's movements with much exaggeration behind her back, for the benefit of her boyfriend. He was watching her pull faces over Mrs Pike's shoulder, a frown of concentration fixed on his face to cover for the grin that threatened to break and Joey felt herself smile a little at her friend's theatrics, glad Audrey had come this year.
She couldn't hear what her friend was saying now, as Mrs Pike turned to her, but she could hear her voice from the day of the party last year, when she had asked Audrey if she looked okay in the light blue dress.
"Do you really want to know what I think?"
She had stopped in the doorway then, confused at her friend's tone, distracted by the honk of the car that was waiting for her outside.
"Yeah."
And then Audrey had hadn't been referring to the dress anymore.
"He left because he was still in love with you. We broke up because I wasn't you, and he went so far away that he might forget you, and you might forget him."
She had smiled up at the brunette from her seat on the sofa, no bitterness souring her words, just honesty.
"And what I think is that it didn't work."
Audrey had ceased her movements now as she spoke to Mrs Pike, but as the woman turned back to her boyfriend, she caught Joey looking at them from out in the hall, and gave her a wink with a grin. She motioned with her hand for Joey to join them, but Joey shook her head slightly with a half-smile and remained seated.
She had gone to the party in Boston last year.
She had run out to the car, climbed inside and kissed the cheek of the man who had brown eyes instead of blue and pretended Audrey's words had dissolved into nothing with that gesture. But an hour later, she had been on a train headed for the Cape, her hasty apology to her hosts echoing through her mind, her tongue still tinged with her parting words to their son.
"There's somewhere else I have to be."
This time it had been her on the porch when Jen had opened the door.
She had slipped out of her jacket as she had stepped into the hall and this time it had been her eyes that had caught his gaze. Pacey had been sitting in the seat by the staircase, the same seat he had found her in each Christmas before, and when she had given him her hand to pull him to his feet, a tear had slipped down his cheek and his simple words were cut from his heart.
"I come back, I come two thousand miles every year, just to see you."
She had kissed him then, the touch of her lips saying everything she couldn't and when she drew apart, she had smiled.
And this time, he had stayed.
Now it was Christmastime again, and it seemed like so much more than a year had passed since that night. She had graduated from university, she had an apartment in Boston, a job she liked and a man she loved more than any other thing in this world.
And absolutely nothing figured out.
There was a crash from the kitchen and Joey jumped slightly, then Gale reappeared, moving back toward the living room, her hostess charm clouded by irritation. As she passed Joey, she gave her a rueful smile and Joey chuckled softly, the sound seeming far off, disconnected somehow.
She shifted in the chair, nudging one of the wooden legs with her foot.
Pacey had wanted to take the chair for their apartment and she had laughed and told him she didn't think the Leery's would be too impressed with that idea. He had pulled her close, so close, and whispered in her ear that maybe, just maybe, they would give it to them as a wedding present. And when he had gone back to Texas at the end of June to collect the last of his things and sell his apartment, she had still been able to feel his breath on her skin.
A clatter of feet on the stairs behind her jolted her again and she looked up to see Alex and Lily coming down. The little girl tripped slightly and grabbed a hold of the older boy who in turn lunged for the banister to steady them both. He saw Joey's upturned face and grinned.
"Hey Aunt Joey"
She smiled at him, turning to face them better where they had stopped on the stairs. Lily's round face peered at her through the rails with flushed cheeks and a smear of chocolate on her chin.
"Where's Uncle Pacey?" she asked with wide, questioning eyes, the same hazel as her brother's.
Pacey had gone in June and she had waited for him to return, the promise of his words hanging in the warm summer air. And when she had taken the call one day in July, she had known she would be waiting forever.
"Oh, sweetie," Joey told her gently, "He's not coming."
She felt her breath torn from her chest with her words and the stab of tears at her eyes left her dizzy as Alex hushed the little girl, pulling her on down the stairs with him. But before they snuck back into the party in the living room, Lily paused to regard Joey with troubled eyes and a firm lilt to her voice.
"Of course he'll come," she nodded reassuringly, the bow that had come loose in her hair swaying, "He always comes at Christmas."
Joey watched them go, her body suddenly feeling like it might crumble. She willed herself to stand, fighting the overwhelming need to cry that rocked her senses to the core. She forced herself to move, over to the front door, out onto the porch, not hearing the slam of the door behind her.
Outside, she was able to breathe again, gasping in the cold air that seemed to numb the searing pain inside of her.
She leaned against the porch frame, her gaze washing over the sky that had deepened to a rich purple with faint glints of diamond stars. Tugging the ends of her sleeves over her hands again, she sat down on the steps that led down to the snow covered yard, her knees bent up to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs, clasping her hands together over the long skirt, and laid her head on her knees and finally let the tears slip from her closed eyes.
It had been almost six months since the day a call from a man she had never met, in a place she had never been, had changed her world.
He had said it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do and she had believed him. She wanted to tell him now, wanted to tell the stranger that getting up every morning since that day, since what he had told her in that clinical manner where even "I'm sorry" was sanitized of emotion had stolen her dreams, that was the hardest thing she had ever had to do.
It had been six months to the day that she had felt his lips on hers, seen his smile in the early morning light, his voice whispering "See ya soon, Potter." And every night she had wished for his kiss again.
She didn't hear the crunch of the snow under his feet. She didn't see the white clouds of his breath in the cold night air, nor the way his mouth curved into a smile before he spoke.
"So, how come you're not waiting in the hall, or did you decide to steal the chair anyway?"
Joey's eyes flew open at the sound of his voice and she lifted her head, her heart pounding so hard as she met his gaze.
He was standing at the bottom of the steps in front of her, his hands in the pockets of the brown coat she had always loved, his blue eyes dancing with faint amusement at her shocked expression.
"Pacey?"
Her voice was barely more than a breath, floating out in a wisp of disbelief. Everything within her wanted to leap up from where she sat and throw herself into his arms, to bury her face into the warm skin of his neck and inhale the scent, the touch, and taste of him again.
But she couldn't move, frozen to the step; all she could do was stare.
His expression softened, the sparkle in his eyes fading to a wistful light, darkened by knowledge.
"Yeah"
Joey noticed the shift and her heart twisted, wringing tears from her soul that she blinked back for fear he would disappear with them, dissolve into the night as they would on her cheeks.
Her gaze traveled over him, covering every inch of his face, his body, with its desperate thirst, but still, she could not move.
"You're back?" she whispered and a half-smile of wonder slipped over her lips, crimson in the cold.
And he gazed at her, his blue eyes full of love, took a step towards her, and smiled, that slow, easy smile.
"I came two thousand miles, just to see you one more time."
Then he leaned in and kissed her and all she could taste was the salt of her tears.
But he was still there when she opened her eyes again and she drew a shaky breath as he pulled back, knowing what was coming.
Pacey glanced away for a moment. When he looked at her once more, his voice was gentle but his words crashed through her heart.
"I've gotta go now." He nodded slightly in the direction of the road and Joey cut her eyes there before lifting them to meet his again.
"Yeah," she agreed softly, and the pain from the jagged pieces of her heart was gone as she breathed the word, only the warmth of his love remaining.
He gave her a wry smile. "Merry Christmas, Potter."
And she smiled back.
Then he was moving away, his steps long and easy through the snow, and as he rounded the corner of the house, disappearing from her view, she noticed he had left no footprints.
The door behind her slammed, startling her.
Joey turned to find Lily standing there, wrapped in a huge coat that belonged to Mitch.
"Mommy told me to see if you were okay."
Joey smiled at the little girl who was dragging the bottom of the coat along the porch as she moved over to sit beside her on the step.
"I'm okay," she told her, taking the small hand in her own.
Lily tilted her face up to Joey's, her eyes curious.
"Who were you talking to?"
The faint trace of her smile was still on her lips as she turned away from the girl and looked up at the sky.
"I was just wishing on a star."
Lily shifted her hand, grasping tighter, and lifted her face to see the stars too. It had begun to snow now, light wisps of snow that floated down so slowly, so gracefully, like tiny white ballerinas twirling and dipping effortlessly. Lily stuck out her tongue to catch one and she laughed at the cold sensation.
Joey copied her, opening her mouth, her eyes closed. She caught one on the tip of her tongue, and it tasted like his kiss.
